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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

41 replies

Kit7 · 16/05/2022 11:54

My wife (together 22 years) has started Facebook messaging a friend / colleague from her work quite a lot a few months ago. They talk most days in the evening and she become cagey round her phone. She can chat for hours and becomes more distant from me.

A few months ago I said I think it’s getting out of hand and she should review it. I said that there’s some redlines like going to his house or going out on their own. Since then she’s been to his house twice once I knew in advance and it was to help her prep for an interview. I wasn’t comfortable with this but didn’t have a choice.

last week she went to the cinema with him just those two I told her I wasn’t comfortable and it was crossing the boundary I’d already said I wasn’t happy with but she’s disregarded it and insists they are just friends. she initially said it was a group, which I thought was ok. Then it was a case of she’s not sure who is going, then it was just him and her and she’d offered to go so he wasn’t alone.

i have previously seen some of her messages (yes I snooped and not good) and some were too personal in my opinion for a chat with a casual friend, some were flirty and some she’s discussed sex toys(!). Now she just deletes messages and keeps her phone glued to her.

I know she’s lonely, she doesn’t have many friends. Neither do I but it all just seems too much for me.

I really don’t think this is fair but I feel powerless to do anything. She would just say I’m controlling if I asked her to stop.
i appreciate any advice you can offer.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 12:14

She would just say I’m controlling if I asked her to stop

This isn't how to state your boundaries in a relationship. You don't ask anything of the other person. You tell them what's happening for you. So you say that when they do x/y/z, it makes you feel uncomfortable. If they keep doing it, you know that that activity means more to them than you feeling comfortable. So, you know they're disrespecting your feelings, and you leave the relationship. If they throw in an insult/blame you, they disrespect you even more.

KirstenBlest · 16/05/2022 12:22

Since then she’s been to his house twice once I knew in advance and it was to help her prep for an interview.
Yeah, right

she’s disregarded it and insists they are just friends. she initially said it was a group, which I thought was ok. Then it was a case of she’s not sure who is going, then it was just him and her and she’d offered to go so he wasn’t alone.

disregarding y, lying...

It sounds like an affair or emotional affair

MarvellousMay · 16/05/2022 12:27

last week she went to the cinema with him just those two
YANBU. When someone invests more time/energy/money in a friendship rather then their relationship it’s inappropriate. Do you want to save the relationship?

Original poster
Kit7 · 16/05/2022 12:34

Yes I do. I just don’t know how to make her realise this is wrong without it sounding like I’m being unreasonable.
I think it would have been easier if she just slept with him at least I would know for definite that this is wrong and I’m not just reading more into it than I should.

Sometimes she doesn’t talk to him for a day or two (as far as I can tell) other days it’s intense and you can see from her body language that there’s a level of discomfort or shock at something I guess she can feel my general awareness of a conversation I can’t see but knows is wrong - if that makes sense.

other days she’s totally fine with me and it’s like he’s gone away or is busy.

m this all really hurts and it’s only recently I’ve realised how much this has drained me and is causing stress.

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 16/05/2022 12:34

I'd say it was a full on affair. Sack her off, your worth more than that!

splishsplashsploshsplish · 16/05/2022 12:38

Yeah... this would not fly with me. The sex toy talk... what was that? I mean, we can all chat with our friends (and do!) but it's all about context.

She is more invested in this than your marriage and that is not healthy.

Original poster
Kit7 · 16/05/2022 12:59

Regarding sex toys. I only saw snippets of a later conversation which indicated they had spoke of it before in a conversation I’d not seen. I asked her she said it was nothing sexual and he’s just asked her if she has any and it’s normal for friends to talk about this. Apparently women do with each other all the time. I said that might be so but texting your single male friend in an evening and discussing it isn’t right.

the conversation I saw was something like ‘why don’t you go and spend time with your BOB’ I had to look the term up to understand it’s meaning.

OP posts:
wonderw · 16/05/2022 13:23

If this was the other way round and the op was female everyone would be saying 'get rid ASAP'

Funny how society works

Original poster
Kit7 · 16/05/2022 13:27

All the comments generally say that tbf. I came here to get a female perspective as I want a female view on if I’m being unreasonable and it sounds like I’m not and I want some advice on how to deal with it from a female perspective.

my wife is my absolute world and I want to address this in the best way possible that doesn’t make me seem unreasonable and that we can hopefully fix things from.

thanks though everyone for their advice and comments so far.

OP posts:
Zemw · 16/05/2022 13:27

Get rid of her OP. She doesn't care about you or how you feel.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/05/2022 13:29

wonderw · 16/05/2022 13:23

If this was the other way round and the op was female everyone would be saying 'get rid ASAP'

Funny how society works

Eh? Literally everyone so far has said this is an affair and unacceptable in their opinion. I agree.

KirstenBlest · 16/05/2022 13:31

Women do not discuss sex toys with each other all the time.

I've only had two female friends discuss them with me, one in context of a ttv programme and the other when she described how sheand her XP used them.

Strawberrydelight55 · 16/05/2022 13:41

It's time to walk away I'm afraid. She is bored of you and enjoy another man. She hasn't stopped to consider your feelings and she's being unfair.

If she wanted to do the right thing she'd be sorting things out.

altmember · 16/05/2022 13:43

Contact the other bloke and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay the fuck away from your wife. That's about your only hope, but even then it's probably only 50/50 at best. Really, this sounds more like a full blown affair rather than just an emotional one, and you wanting to keep the relationship going is likely futile anyway. If your wife is forced to chose, she'll probably chose him. She's already lost all respect for you, and if you have any for yourself, you'll leave her.

girlmom21 · 16/05/2022 13:48

I've never, ever discussed sex toys with my friends.

This is absolutely an affair of some description, although I certainly wouldn't be surprised if it had already got physical.

SophiaLarsen · 16/05/2022 13:57

Speaking from experience I would advise you properly confront her. Get it all out in the open. She will lie and squirm at first. It doesn't mean she's totally lost respect for you and that you should end it. She has no doubt completely compartmentalised this and is making loads of excuses in her own head.

Confrontation and agreement on complete openness is the way forward. She has to agree though and she has to completely stop the relationship. This will be really hard and she will grieve it and you will have to cope through that too. She will also have to know you are grieving the loss of trust from your perspective too.

All is not lost though. It's a rather large pothole in the road but you can both absolutely come out of it better and stronger. I completely recommend reading about emotional affairs on the Relate website where there is great info on boundary setting in order to move on.

I would also encourage you not to lose heart if one conversation doesn't stop things. It can take a while and it's really hard for both sides. You might also get some home truths that you will be shocked by too. The idea is you both take these on the chin in order to move on.

Also, have a house rule of something like phones put away at 5pm etc.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 16/05/2022 14:02

SophiaLarsen · 16/05/2022 13:57

Speaking from experience I would advise you properly confront her. Get it all out in the open. She will lie and squirm at first. It doesn't mean she's totally lost respect for you and that you should end it. She has no doubt completely compartmentalised this and is making loads of excuses in her own head.

Confrontation and agreement on complete openness is the way forward. She has to agree though and she has to completely stop the relationship. This will be really hard and she will grieve it and you will have to cope through that too. She will also have to know you are grieving the loss of trust from your perspective too.

All is not lost though. It's a rather large pothole in the road but you can both absolutely come out of it better and stronger. I completely recommend reading about emotional affairs on the Relate website where there is great info on boundary setting in order to move on.

I would also encourage you not to lose heart if one conversation doesn't stop things. It can take a while and it's really hard for both sides. You might also get some home truths that you will be shocked by too. The idea is you both take these on the chin in order to move on.

Also, have a house rule of something like phones put away at 5pm etc.

I think this is good advice OP. Good luck and sorry this is happening.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 14:49

I just don’t know how to make her realise this is wrong without it sounding like I’m being unreasonable

Unless you have proof that she's being faithful, you don't have proof that she's wrong. You're not dealing with someone 'breaking the rules', here, you're dealing with someone crossing your boundaries.

How do the two of you generally deal with conflict? Are you usually able to sit down together, and talk things through to reach a mutually beneficial conclusion?

Contact the other bloke and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay the fuck away from your wife

Don't do this. It's the Eastenders-style, drama-inducing solution, and it leave 'the other bloke' as the person who is responsible for the outcome of your relationship. You don't want the reason your wife's faithful to you to be 'Because my affair partner dumped me.'

Original poster
Kit7 · 16/05/2022 15:02

Thanks. I like to talk things through and reach agreement and compromise. She clams up and doesn’t like to talk about feelings. It’s very difficult at times. In general we get on. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs due to other stresses in life but these days they all seem to be my problem and she’s buried into her phone with her friendship. I honestly can’t see what she would find so interesting to talk through with some overgrown man child who’s been single for the last 15 years. There’s a reason he is single I imagine - other women clearly see they have some flaws, that’s my theory anyway I think he’s manipulated her and I’m somehow now a possessive husband who stops her having friends. I’m not btw and when she kind of suggested I’m the reason she doesn’t have many friends I’ve asked her for examples and she has not no think he’s feeding on anything negative she can say about me and I’ve got no voice. Some of this is theory of course but I’ve seen how these things can play out. I’m happy for her to have healthy friendships but this doesn’t look like one from my side when I can see she’s on messenger a lot and so is he and they go offline and online together a lot.

OP posts:
EurovisionTragic · 16/05/2022 15:05

She’s lying and gaslighting you. She has you confused and thinking that you are the unreasonable one whilst bending the truth so she can be with him on his own.

What does she say if you offer to tag along to the cinema etc?

Don’t ask her, just tell her. You are gaslighting me, being disrespectful and I’m no longer willing to put up with it.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2022 15:10

She knows she is wrong, stop trying to make her understand

she doesn’t want to stop. So you have a decision to make. Tolerate it or leave.

Original poster
Kit7 · 16/05/2022 15:14

I never thought of offering to tag along. Though I don’t really like Marvel films and she knows this. She’s not a massive fan either though so didn’t really expect her to make a particular point of going but she had previously offered to take our 15yo son and he was surprised and was told to see it with his friends when he realised. i found myself lying to him and saying she’d gone with her work friends (plural) how stupid am I, I sometimes wonder.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 15:22

I honestly can’t see what she would find so interesting to talk through with some overgrown man child who’s been single for the last 15 years. There’s a reason he is single I imagine - other women clearly see they have some flaws, that’s my theory anyway I think he’s manipulated her and I’m somehow now a possessive husband who stops her having friends

I think you need to be able to see that your own approach is fairly immature too. You're not happy; she's not nice to you. Your response is to criticise the silly little boy she's spending her time on, rather than taking responsibility for yourself and getting away from her.

A good tip is to stay away from people who make you feel bad. That's the only lesson you need in boundaries, and it'll protect you from ill treatment and abuse in the future. It really is that simple. You don't need to analyse the lifestyles of the friends of the people who make you feel bad. Grow up a bit. The 'He's a loser' mentality is just your ego making him shitter than you so that even though he's potentially having an affair with your wife, you're still 'better' than him. Stop competing: Your wife is treating you badly, consistently, and when you try to talk to her about it, she won't respect your views. If you want to be happy, you're going to need to be away from her. Deal with that, rather than criticising a stranger.

Original poster
Kit7 · 16/05/2022 15:27

Ok that’s hard to hear but fair a point I guess.

OP posts:
HelpMeGetThrough · 16/05/2022 15:48

Having been through the same thing as you (and I'm male too), my advice to you is to accept no more of this and deliver an ultimatum to your wife, it stops immediately or the marriage is over, no ifs no buts. Also tell her that if you can't move on, you are completely free to end the marriage at any point.

I personally would confront him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he'd be sensible to fuck off back to where he came from.

We are working through what happened, but I will not carry on if there is even a sniff of this happening again. The best I could do was confront the individual electronically, but I have not ruled out finding him and confronting face to face.

This has hurt me to the absolute core, but towards the other individual involved, I have found anger like I've never had before, so I will find him and face to face confrontation is looking more likely each day.