Is it me?

[Iaminvisibletoo]

I hope you will help me and offer your opinions. I've been in a relationship for a year with a man who was previously married but has been divorced for about 15 yrs. He has grown up children with this woman. The initial story I got (from him) was they were great friends. I thought this was healthy and said it was nice they have managed to get on for the children's sake. I didn't have an issue with this, was happy to meet her etc etc. I was in love with him and he with me. I'm a slow burner. Like to watch and wait but I think I'm by that now and need your help. Here are some things that have happened this past year in no particular order.
*He periodically calls her his Mrs/wife when he's actually speaking about her to me - his girlfriend
*Caught him several times looking at photos of her (he has millions in his phone) and then claiming it was pics of his children.
*For the first 4 or 5 months we were together, he compared me to her a lot (and the ex-gf too).
*Asked him one night if he was still in love with her - he responded immediately yes. When I repeated in shock what he had said, he backtracked and said no, not 'in love' with her, just love her in my own way
*He went to her house to fix....her headboard of all things and actually switched his phone off. Said it conked out. No it didn't - it was fully charged in the morning.
*Started an argument on our first Xmas Eve together - then spent Xmas Day with her and his in-laws and children.
*Used to constantly phone/text/send pics to her until I said I'm not comfortable with it
*Called her at midnight to chat when I went to bed. When I questioned it next day he lied. So I called her. She said he did try and call her but she was sleeping. He then started deleting things from his phone - in front of me.
*Didn't like me kissing him or being affectionate to him in front of his grown up kid
*Started an argument before another 'family' gathering until I said I wasn't going - then he spent all day with her and his in-laws and children.

These are just some things. Is it me? Am I being paranoid (as he told me)?

No you’re not. He’s using you.
Dump him and walk away.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. He seems to think he has a huge connection to her. He also lies and gaslights you. Personally I wouldn't put up with it.

I had 11 years of this sort of stuff. Every social event with my ex DP was also with her and their mutual friends. He spent every Xmas Day at her house with the adult children as it would 'upset' them if they weren't all together. Last year he spent her birthday with her and their kids. We never lived together in all that time as I think he couldn't let go. It ended last year and I still feel broken, self esteem and self worth are rock bottom and I'm waiting for counselling.

End it. He still wants to be with her. You deserve someone who puts you first.

It doesn't matter if it's 'just you', unless 'you' is something you don't think you need to respect and are happy to dismiss.

Thank you for responding, I appreciate it.

The relationship is over as of this morning. I'm angry and I'm hurting a lot right now. Feel heartbroken. I have a lot of love to give and I gave it to him but it wasn't enough clearly. I know in my own heart I'm better than this and I will get over it. Hope you all enjoy your day today wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Thank you.

Oh op I'm so sorry. It sucks doesn't it.

OP I hope you're okay. In a way I think these types of men don't even realise what they're doing, they're hurt by the loss of the one they love and to deal with that they move onto other women. I had gaslighting as well, but more in the sense that I was constantly being called unreasonable/ridiculous, then at the end had tons of criticism thrown at me to justify finishing things, silly things like my not enjoying long car journeys, that a kind and decent man would've accepted and worked around. I went from a confident person to having a total breakdown from years of feeling not as good as the ex wife.

Well done - you've done the right thing. He was untrustworthy, dishonest, possibly cheating (or wanting to), treating you like you're way down his list.

You deserve so much better than him. Stay strong and be happy!