Please help, I think I need to get out of this....

[TheSnootiestFox]

So, I've posted a couple of times before, and possibly should have listened 😁but of course I knew best. Well I don't. To summarise, my marriage was pretty much sexless for 15 years, the wedding night took 3 months to happen, no honeymoon, blue pills needed to conceive and then literally nothing for 9 years until I left , not even a kiss or a hand hold. Before anyone asks, I married him because I'd been desperate to be a wife and mother since leaving school and I was facing 30 and panicked. He was and still can be a nice lad with a good job and I thought he'd be an ace dad.

I've had a couple of relationships since, nothing great, didn't last long as I have stage 3 lipoedema and once they see me naked I'm usually gone within 48 hours. Anyway, met a great bloke online who is everything I'd ever want and more. But has diabetes and has always struggled with his erections as long as I've known him. Apparently had a fab sex life with his ex wife and I hate her.

Anyway, I posted on here after six months and was told to get out. I didn't because I had feelings for him and I knew noone else would look twice at me. Now after two years, its no better and now he's been diagnosed with cardiac problems and needs a bypass so it proper never will improve. But I love him so much, he's kind, funny, sexy and everything I could ever want. I torture myself thinking about what it could have been like if we met when we were young. I've never been happy since I was 24 and I could have been with him.

Anyway, I dont think I can deal with this. If we'd been married and I'd had the fun part with him I'd just shrug and think about the good times, but I've never had any good times. Do I just accept that a sex life just isn't for me? I'm 50 now and quite badly disfigured but horny as hell. I just don't know how to get out of this without it looking like I'm abandoning him when he needs me but I just can't face another sexless relationship. He's more than willing to satisfy me other ways, but its not the same, and he's more than willing to throw money at a private urologist but I think it'll be another year before he has his bypass and we can even think about it. What on earth do I do? And I promise I will listen this time!

I was all ready to tell you to leave if you aren't happy until the bit where you describe him as sexy and the fact that he satisfies you in other ways. He is also willing to get treatment when he can. You clearly love each other very much so you are just yearning for the virile younger him that could have given you PV satisfaction.

I wouldn't run away from a good relationship like this. Try to focus on what you have rather than what you think you are missing. Continue developing your intimacy, use toys and experiment. If PV and his performance is a deal breaker then I guess you have to leave.

@Bemoreatticus it is a deal breaker. Sadly only because I've never been able to enjoy it. I was single for 5 years pre marriage and had shit short term relationships before that. I just want what everyone else has without any effort. Thanks for your reply though x

Then I think you know the answer. If it is a dealbreaker and the relationship makes you this unhappy, you need to walk away.

However, be prepared this time to remain single until you find a man who can fulfil all your needs. It sounds like you have settled a few times and this has in fact made you more unhappy. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I know I need to walk away, I'm asking how to do it without looking like the complete hopeless shallow bitch that I clearly am :(

And I've had no choice but to settle, I wouldn't have had kids if I hadn't. I wasn't in a position to self fund fertility treatment and the NHS wouldn't treat me for my PCOS and absent periods without me trying for 2 years. That's not possible without a partner.

Some women don't get much from penetrative sex, so you might get a fair few women saying if he's good at other stuff you should live with it.

But I'm with you @TheSnootiestFox . Penetrative sex is real sex to me and I get a lot of pleasure from it.

You're not shallow for wanting decent sex.

I know I need to walk away, I'm asking how to do it without looking like the complete hopeless shallow bitch that I clearly am

If I were you I would give some other excuse/reason. Say you've realized you still have a lot of healing to do from your previous relationships, or something like that.

What makes you think you are going to meet someone who can satisfy you sexually as well as being a good partner? Genuinely curious as you seem to be chasing something unobtainable judging by the OP

Obviously end this relationship if it's not for you, but it seems you are looking for something you may never find

So I'm never going to find someone that loves me but with a hard erection? Wow :( I might as well give up then.......

I’m thinking that he sounds like a decent man and deserves better.

Not sure why you’re asking on here for permission to dump him.

It’s a shame that you are willing to throw away a good man and a good relationship who is making every effort to address the issue but who has health concerns. But that choice is yours and yours alone. So are the consequences of that choice. I don’t think there’s any way of softening the blow. You need to be honest that you need something that he is unable to provide. I would be cautious of the grass being greener though. As men age many do experience problems in this area so it may be you find similar problems with new potential partners.

Just remember you may never meet someone willing and able to provide what you want. Will you put up with a shit personality, mean spirited guy just because he's good in bed? It's great that you're 'horny as hell' but that might change too, will you stay in a relationship you started because you wanted a shag when the last thing you want is sex? Are you craving something you never had and building a fantasy around it? Sex can be great, it can also be rubbish, boring and even a chore, there is so much more to a good relationship. Have you hand any therapy or counselling regarding how you feel about your past, it might help you clarify if you want to leave this basically good relationship and take the chance of being alone, there's nothing wrong with being alone, many people are very happy alone but you don't sound like one. If you do decide to leave it is not necessary to go into details, just say you're unhappy, it's not going to change and it would be unfair to string him along. Best of luck, hope you're happy whatever the outcome

@CiderJolly he is and he absolutely does. But I'd just like one decent shag before I die. I'm not asking for permission, I'm asking for help on what to say as he is just so so so so fucking lovely. I'm just so shallow I can't live without sex. God knows I had this conversation with myself when I got married and tried to live without it then. Thanks for your help.

If you want to leave this relationship then you just need to be honest with him and tell him that you two aren't compatible as you aren't getting what you need from this relationship

However just make sure you really consider the fact that you are happy with other aspects of your relationship and may not find anything better elsewhere, so is it worth leaving or could you try other things to help with the bedroom issues, therapy, medication, toys etc. I saw you said you are 50 so if you are dating men of a similar age/older theres no guarantee they are going to be able to perform in the bedroom the way you want them too either

You are asking for a way to do this that doesn't make you look bad? The truth is that you want to give up a great relationship on a gamble that you will find someone who is able to perform in the bedroom to your satisfaction. And you are doing this at a time when your partner has health problems.

The truth is that your reasons for leaving are selfish. You absolutely have the right to be selfish. You only live once and all that. But own your decision and live with the consequences. If this was a guy asking for the same advice we would all be telling him to support his wife and go and have a wank.

What makes you think you are going to meet someone who can satisfy you sexually as well as being a good partner?

@cottagegardenflower That's what most people aim for in a partner.

But chances are that guy would have had some good times with his wife. I've never seen my partner hard in over two years, and my husband and I had sex about 10 times in our quite long marriage. I kept telling myself there was more to life then and the few people I confided in said similar and they'd rather have a good cup of tea anyway. But I think I'm due more than a wank and I've done my bit for stoically putting up with things. Ok, noted, I'm a bitch and stupid for leaving a decent man. Yes I am. But I'd just like a sex life before I'm too old!

There is no magical answer to this unfortunately. You want something he can't give you, he's a good man and it seems as though you have a good loving relationship outside of this.

I think you need to accept that it will hurt him for you to end this relationship. That doesn't mean it isn't the right choice for you only that the outcome you want can't be achieved without going through the discomfort it will cause you (and him) to end things.

I'd agree with pp that the relationship seems worth trying whatever you can to see if this hurdle can be overcome but if you don't see that as a way forward for you then it is what it is. You will have to bite the bullet and tell him.

I hope you find what you are looking for OP.

Oh you aren't a bitch or stupid OP. But there isn't an easy solution. I think if sex is an area you no longer want to compromise on then you must be honest (and kind) and leave. Sadly, I don't think you can avoid heartbreak for either of you.