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Original poster

Newly weds - drug problem

49 replies

Confused146 · 15/05/2022 19:03

this is my first ever post and hoping for advice and guidance 🙂
i have been with my partner for 8 years. When we first met there were a couple of issues/arguments around him using coke at a weekend, all night parties etc. thankfully things settled down and 1year ago we got married.

Since getting hitched he has had 3x 24hour drug sessions, has taken loans out without telling me, lied about where is he, come home with lipstick on his neck, spent the night at a female friends house in the same bed. the arguments can be quite nasty and he mimics me when I’m upset. He thinks everything is a big joke. He resents that I now earn more and can never be happy for me.

he has had help from his gp for low mood but only stuck at the tablets for a few weeks. He isn’t interested in getting any help.

im exhausted and feel that everything is broken. I can’t see any way back from the lies and don’t think he will ever change.

BUT …. He’s my best friend and I love him.

what do I do?

OP posts:
Sapphirensteel · 15/05/2022 20:36

You are wasting your time and emotions on this man child.
He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you. He lies and cheats and spends what should be your joint money on drugs.
Don’t get pregnant, worst thing you could do for yourself and a child.
Dump him now, you can do better.

HollowTalk · 15/05/2022 20:41

Do you know that feeling that you are interpreting as love? It's not love. There is nothing to love about the way he behaves. If you have any sense you will get out ASAP before he does some real damage.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2022 20:41

Confused146 · 15/05/2022 19:03

this is my first ever post and hoping for advice and guidance 🙂
i have been with my partner for 8 years. When we first met there were a couple of issues/arguments around him using coke at a weekend, all night parties etc. thankfully things settled down and 1year ago we got married.

Since getting hitched he has had 3x 24hour drug sessions, has taken loans out without telling me, lied about where is he, come home with lipstick on his neck, spent the night at a female friends house in the same bed. the arguments can be quite nasty and he mimics me when I’m upset. He thinks everything is a big joke. He resents that I now earn more and can never be happy for me.

he has had help from his gp for low mood but only stuck at the tablets for a few weeks. He isn’t interested in getting any help.

im exhausted and feel that everything is broken. I can’t see any way back from the lies and don’t think he will ever change.

BUT …. He’s my best friend and I love him.

what do I do?

what do I do?
Well you could stop being so fucking wet for a start! Why do you love a druggie who is cheating on you financially and sexually? Really, why?

Since getting hitched ...
Do you not see the big clue there? You married him, and he has taken that as carte blanche to do as he damn well pleases. Before, he had to step a bit more carefully in case you left him. Now, he think he's got you, for good. That you'll put up with this shit, swallow his disrespect and finance his coke binges; forever and ever until death we do part.

So what I would do is dump his abusive arse and get the ball rolling on the divorce. He isn't saveable, so put your big girl pants on and stop whining that he's your best friend and you love him. This man has no friends and he doesn't love you. Do not waste your time trying to get back what you think you've lost. There's a good chance he's been behaving like this for the whole of your relationship; he just doesn't feel he has to hide it any more.

Sorry for being so brutal but sometimes being kind is unkind in the long term IYSWIM.

Indigoo03 · 15/05/2022 20:41

Sounds awful

DogsAndGin · 15/05/2022 20:44

“He thinks it’s all a big joke”

OP sorry, but you are treating his behaviour like a big joke, too. You’ve listed several completely unacceptable behaviours which independently are grounds for divorce - let alone all of them together! Get on with the divorce proceedings or have your life ruined by this waster.

DogsAndGin · 15/05/2022 20:45

And he’s not your best friend. He is someone who has zero respect for you.

Piglet80 · 15/05/2022 20:47

Oh no.. coke heads are nasty pieces of work, you cant help or fix hi., leave him

Fizzyfish · 15/05/2022 20:49

He doesn't love you, time to end this op

Thenorthwoman · 15/05/2022 20:52

He doesn't need help. He's not using coke because he's a poor unfortunate addict, this is just the line to get you to feel sorry for him.

Every time he's snorted a line, run up a debt, put his dick in another woman, he did it because he enjoyed it. Because he wanted to.

You deserve so much more. Do not stay. He won't change - he doesn't want to. He likes cocaine, spending money and sleeping with women. That is the extent of his goals in life and his meaningless existence.

Whatever best friend you thought you had is a figment of your imagination. This man is nothing at all. History will not remember anything he has done. He is a blot on the world.

Get out and do something with your life you can feel proud of. Travel. Pursue a career you've always wanted. Settle down with a loving, stable man with no drug history and have a baby. Grow a garden full of flowers. Watch a meteor shower in a desert.

Do whatever makes you happy and do not give one more moment of your life to this idiot.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2022 20:52

If you love him, you must despise yourself.

Work out why and get rid.

AxolotlEars · 15/05/2022 20:55

I think if you love him, it's the him that is the man without the drugs etc unfortunately wishful thinking and all your wanting aren't going to change the reality you are actually in. I am sorry. I think that even if you aren't willing to leave at the moment you could pursue counselling

Yellowhase · 15/05/2022 20:56

You deserve better. You will be glad you found out now rather than in years time. Maybe he was keeping up a pretence but now is using more drugs so is out of control. Sounds like addiction issues judging from his behaviour. Only you can decide what to do but it doesn’t sound like he cares about you.

jammyrose · 15/05/2022 21:21

Get out now would be my advice, sadly. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear but you deserve better than this and it’ll only get worse. Do you want kids, if you don’t mind me asking? Could you imagine bringing them into this? Leave and don’t look back, heal from this and look forward the future you want with someone who isn’t coked up.

feelingfree17 · 15/05/2022 21:37

Why do you think someone like this is all you deserve?
Please end this marriage, it will never get any better.

LooseGoose22 · 15/05/2022 22:30

You need to get the fl away from him before you get pregnant.

If you think that would change him or settle him down etc, you are so far wrong, there's no word for it.

If that's what he's like before all thevstrsss and pressure and shit that comes with babies & kids, i wouldn't like to see him after.

You're gong to fk up you (and upur potential kids) life if you stay with this specimen.

You will meet someone else. There's a world full of ppl.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 15/05/2022 22:49

MrsBertBibby · 15/05/2022 19:09

Get out now, and for God's sake don't pregnant.

He doesn't love, respect, or give a shot about you.

Exactly and why on earth did you marry him in the first place? You knew he was trouble before
Some people just lack common sense

allboysherebutme · 15/05/2022 23:08

I'd be saying goodbye to him today, asking him to leave and not looking back x

Begrateful · 15/05/2022 23:39

Maybe you need to do some deep reflection to figure out why you allow so much garbage from him?
Is he worth all that hassle?
Does your current life with him, represent the version of happiness you deserve?

Doesn't sound like he's much of a keeper. Maybe you deserve better OP.

Bananalanacake · 16/05/2022 06:52

Can you live separately, try to separate finances so he can't use your money

JorisBonson · 16/05/2022 07:09

Best friends don't so stuff like that.

Itstimetoquit · 16/05/2022 07:30

Been going through this for nearly 4 years,he's moved out got clean moved back in,1st it was all night parties then he would go to work on a Friday and come home Sunday would spend all his wages then get loans,2 weeks ago it all came out! Every party there's been another women(he can't remember how many).he's admitted he now does coke all day everyday,he's estimated in the last 4 years it's cost him around 70k all the time I've been struggling to feed my kids(the youngest one is his).so I packed his shit and kicked him out.....the day after he moved in with a women he's been seeing for months ( she's his coke dealer ),get rid of your partner he will never change,the only thing there good at is lying.

5128gap · 16/05/2022 10:56

I'm not sure it's helpful to ask why you love him or to assume that a person who does awful things can't also be charming, fun, engaging, caring and lovable, because they can.
The thing is, all relationships are a balance of good and bad traits and when the scales tip too far to the bad, that's when it's guaranteed to bring you more misery than happiness. Some things are so bad, that nothing can be good enough to compensate for them. Not in a long term partnership where trust, honesty and reliability really matter. There are men out there you will find lovable and a good friend who don't bring all this bad stuff with it. You won't find one unless you set yourself free.

me4real · 16/05/2022 11:14

He's not acting like your best friend at all @Confused146 .

The loans/money taken out suggest he has a more regular habit to pay for than just a few times in a year.

DFOD · 16/05/2022 14:48

Itstimetoquit · 16/05/2022 07:30

Been going through this for nearly 4 years,he's moved out got clean moved back in,1st it was all night parties then he would go to work on a Friday and come home Sunday would spend all his wages then get loans,2 weeks ago it all came out! Every party there's been another women(he can't remember how many).he's admitted he now does coke all day everyday,he's estimated in the last 4 years it's cost him around 70k all the time I've been struggling to feed my kids(the youngest one is his).so I packed his shit and kicked him out.....the day after he moved in with a women he's been seeing for months ( she's his coke dealer ),get rid of your partner he will never change,the only thing there good at is lying.

I am really sorry to hear your story and I hope it will be enough to save the OP jumping through all of those exhausting and humiliating futile hoops - because it only ever goes round in declining loops. Like most of us I suspect that you conclude that you tried too hard for too long?

I hope that you are still reading OP and can take on board the experience of others ahead of you. There is no need to suffer a life of abuse, debt, cheating, chaos and pain - just get well away right now.

Do you have anyone IRL who you can talk to? Or can you seek professional emotional support to see you through these very difficult decisions?

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