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Original poster

A 'closure' message. Is it always a bad idea?

53 replies

Kitten2 · 15/05/2022 18:38

Have been seeing someone for almost 6 months. It has been casual. A few dates, some walks, phone conversations and sleeping together 6 times. We message every couple of days if not more and have done throughout.

I like him and was incredibly attracted to him but it's just fizzled. He is always too busy to meet up and It's lost momentum.

I want to almost-daily messages to end now. But I don't want to be so blunt as to block him. I've tried to keep my responses short / no questions. How can I just draw a line under this without making it in to a big deal.

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 16/05/2022 13:00

You’ve lost interest and it sounds like he’s keeping you on the back burner so a quick thanks for some nice times but it’s not working out for either of us so let’s leave it there, is totally fine!!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/05/2022 20:29

I realLy like that first message too ! It’s nice and clear
I like closure too

Zemw · 16/05/2022 21:06

Hey Mark,
Not really feeling this anymore but it's been fun getting to know you. Good luck Kitten

Original poster
Kitten2 · 16/05/2022 22:54

I seem to have stalled. Not quite sure why but I haven't sent anything yet. He sent another message this evening. Not opened it.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 16/05/2022 23:03

I think you owe it to him to reply now as it seems a little like ghosting. Are you worried about upsetting him?
id reply to his message and then say you’re sorry but you don’t feel this going anywhere and you don’t want to string him along.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 23:37

Kitten2 · 16/05/2022 22:54

I seem to have stalled. Not quite sure why but I haven't sent anything yet. He sent another message this evening. Not opened it.

There are no rules. Do what you feel. If you don't feel like opening his message, that's a direct representation of how your connection with him is making you feel, and that's fine. Make sure you are respecting yourself. Can you respect yourself if you follow your instinct not to open his messages?

Iamthewombat · 16/05/2022 23:52

‘Do what you feel’ is terrible advice! That’s how people end up sending embarrassing drunk texts. Are you avoiding reading his messages in case he has given you the elbow first? Why do you care? Just ignore.

Watchkeys · 17/05/2022 00:14

Iamthewombat · 16/05/2022 23:52

‘Do what you feel’ is terrible advice! That’s how people end up sending embarrassing drunk texts. Are you avoiding reading his messages in case he has given you the elbow first? Why do you care? Just ignore.

If you're the kind of person who drinks enough to send 'embarrassing drunk texts', then your potential partner needs to know that, unless you want to conceal part of yourself. They need to know what sort of things you say when you're drunk, because they're going to see you that way. 'Embarrassing drunk texts' may be a part of who you are, and that's fine.

What is better advice? 'Do what you were taught to do'? 'Do what you think you should do'? 'Do what the queen would do'? 'Do what a ferret would do'?

If you don't do what you feel, you don't get what your feelings want. And 'what your feelings want' is all we have.

pixie5121 · 17/05/2022 00:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenClock · 17/05/2022 00:40

If he’s messaged a couple of times I’d be inclined to send a polite closure text. Keep it short and unambiguous.

Iamthewombat · 17/05/2022 07:54

Watchkeys · 17/05/2022 00:14

If you're the kind of person who drinks enough to send 'embarrassing drunk texts', then your potential partner needs to know that, unless you want to conceal part of yourself. They need to know what sort of things you say when you're drunk, because they're going to see you that way. 'Embarrassing drunk texts' may be a part of who you are, and that's fine.

What is better advice? 'Do what you were taught to do'? 'Do what you think you should do'? 'Do what the queen would do'? 'Do what a ferret would do'?

If you don't do what you feel, you don't get what your feelings want. And 'what your feelings want' is all we have.

Show quote history

“Better advice” is being dignified. This bloke doesn’t “need to know” anything further about the OP because he has effectively binned her already. She doesn’t need to embarrass herself by ‘doing what she feels’.

I realise that this is disappointing for you.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/05/2022 10:31

Ghosting really doesn't sit well with me, and personally I'd feel I'd embarrassed myself if I didn't send a closure message, because my dignity resides partly in treating people how I'd like to be treated. But it's so individual, and it sounds like you'd feel much happier @Iamthewombat in this sort of situation to walk away without engaging further. I understand where you're coming from, but don't think OP would be embarrassing herself in any way. He's still messaging her - he hasn't dumped her, just not prioritised her enough. Anyway, there isn't a right or wrong here, and I think @Watchkeys makes good points about showing who you are.

Lovemusic33 · 17/05/2022 11:56

Ah, it’s hard isn’t it? I think you need to open his messages, write back saying “sorry I have been a bit distant, I just feel like what ever this is has fizzled out” wish him well and then don’t reply to anything else or block him. Ghosting him isn’t good, it just leaves him guessing.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/05/2022 08:24

Yes I hate ghosting
it’s just shite and lacks honesty
send a message , many examples here are excellent

treat others as you’d like to be treated I always say

MexTP · 18/05/2022 09:43

sorry I have been a bit distant, I just feel like what ever this was has “fizzled out” wish him well

^ this

Interesting, the debate about doing what you feel versus what is socially appropriate. I can see both sides actually. Both sides have their good points. I have ghosted a friend, interestingly. But I am pretty sure she knew why. There was nothing to say - she didn’t contact me and say ‘I haven’t heard for a while and am a bit worried’ to open up the discussion. So my feelings were confirmed in a way (her lack of caring).

Perhaps sometimes you can do both? Respecting, validating your own feelings. That includes not responding till YOU are ready. After all he does what he wants in terms of effort, which is low. Sometimes (not always) a quick nod to closing things can be helpful - for the OP too. Ghosting in general isn’t v respectful of the other person unless they have done something to deserve it.

MexTP · 18/05/2022 09:44

UNLESS - maybe I should have put that in capitals.

Thistooshallpass. · 18/05/2022 22:23

Did you send anything in the end ?
Do you think your stalling was because you actually wanted him to want more ?

Original poster
Kitten2 · 19/05/2022 11:30

Do you think your stalling was because you actually wanted him to want more ?

Yeah I think that was it.
I have wanted him to want more / be more available this whole time.

Then at the last minute he sent quite nice, long messages.

However I had made my mind up. And he still wasn't suggesting actually meeting up in either of his long texts.

So I just said
'Take care lovely, no point talking anymore is there.'

I also noticed he had changed his profile picture on one of his social media (he doesn't know I've looked at any of his SM) to one with a woman and him. His sister!? Doubt it!

He didn't reply.

Feel quite low. But no worse than I have done anxiously waiting on his messages previously so I will be ok.

OP posts:
Thistooshallpass. · 19/05/2022 11:52

I think you've done the right thing . He's not able to give you what you want and would seem to have other women on the go ..
Don't let yourself be an option for him - you can do better than his half arsed efforts .
Beware he probably will try and worm his way back in as won't like being rejected and will still want you as an option .

Original poster
Kitten2 · 24/05/2022 18:42

It was last Wednesday I sent the so called 'closure' message, drawing a line under it.
He opened it immediately but didn't reply.
I did feel a bit sad for a day or so afterwards. Then alright over the weekend.
Monday he messaged me, ignoring mine, just a picture of him (not naked) saying 'thinking about you today, hope you're well x'

And I've been feeling lousy since then.
I haven't responded and I won't. But why leave it several days and then pipe up. Just as I was getting my bearings.

OP posts:
Scabbyknackers · 24/05/2022 19:12

If he was a genuine bloke then to be brutally honest (with kindness!) That wasn't the clearest message to say you wanted to end contact for good. But he's not genuine if he is posting pics with someone else who as you say, is unlikely to be his Aunty Maureen. He's therefore ignoring your wishes and trying to keep hold of you as an ego boost/ pastime to chat to. Screw him. How would you feel about blocking?

5128gap · 24/05/2022 19:25

If you want to send a closure message be clear in your head what you hope to achieve from it. Your message didn't sound like you want to draw a line under things, it sounded like you hope it would shake him into meeting up more.
If you have decided its best to cut contact, don't send a message that leaves a door open and your hopes up. Just stop replying.

GreenClock · 24/05/2022 22:44

I don’t think that your message was clear OP but if you ignore him now, he’ll understand soon enough.

Thistooshallpass. · 25/05/2022 09:36

The problem with your closure message was probably that you didn't actually mean it ? I think you yourself admitted you wanted more and really were just trying to provoke him to respond with more .
Ignore his messages and don't engage - you'll only get sucked back into the same situation which is not want you want .
It will be hard for abit - sadness that it didn't work out . But it didn't work for a reason and that won't change . Keep busy and no contact and it will fade and know something better will always turn up .

coffeeisthebest · 25/05/2022 09:48

Hope you're doing ok, this is slightly painful reading as you seem like you are interested and he seems like he is potentially quite happy to opt in or out. I wouldn't be happy that he has ignored your message, that isn't respectful to your feelings. Use that as a sign to walk away, sorry, but I don't think this one's for you.