How would you handle this- meeting estranged father at wedding

[EmilyBolton]

i have not seen my father in over 14 years. My DD have not seen him in 18 plus years (they’re now mid/late twenties). He cut contact with me after my mother died 20 plus years ago. I met him 14 years ago when I asked to try to reconcile, only for him to cut me off again. The reasons for his cutting me off are complex, and I don’t really get it. I’m a firm believer that most issues can be resolved, and think it is a ridiculous thing to do to cut someone off. I thin k it all boils down to because he cannot handle and deal with any issue that causes him to have emotions that are uncomfortable. He had an unhappy marriage with my mother, even as a teenager he’d talk to me about divorce but that he was afraid of being on his own. Not good for a teenager to have to deal with. I am not angry with him, never have been,. But his rejection of me twice was a significant contributor to mental health issue in the past. I am obviously very cautious about any further attempts to reconcile. He is now an “old”man ( I’m in 50’s) so he is not going to change now.

so, it is a close relatives wedding later this year. . My father will be there along with rest of my family.The bride has been very accommodating to an issue she known about for years, and is not seating me on same table as him . But inevitably I will be mingling and “bump” into him. I do not want to be rude to him. I don’t want to ignore him or silent treatment- I’m not that sort of person, I certainly don’t want to start any sort of conversation about what lies between us on the day as I’m going for the wedding and to see the bride on her happy day. It’s about her.

what tactics can I employ to be not rude, but not encouraging conversation? There are only going to be portal loos so excusing myself to “powder my nose” isn’t going to work 🤣🤦‍♀️Anyone have experience of this and what worked, didn’t work on the day?

Also, and perhaps as big an issue, my DSs do not really remember him and know the backstory. I never stopped my father having contact with them but he never made any effort to have relationship with them. They were too young to do this of their own accord. He sent No birthday cards or Xmas cards let alone anything else. DS have stated they are “curious” . Fair enough, but I’m finding it difficult that my eldest DS, who is very articulate, more recently stated that he will want to chat with him to “get to know him”and see what happens. I know what happened. His grandfather ignored him form the age of 8 as if he didn’t exist. I’m weirdly and unreasonably thinking that DS is being potentially “disloyal “ to me and ignoring the pain the issue causes me still. I know that is probably not reasonable at all on my part and haven’t said this to him. So, I’m anxious that if I see them chatting together I’m going to respond badly to it. As far as I’m concerned he is not their grandfather (or my father come to that). He choose to have no relationship with any of us, despite everything I could do to resolve the issues.

any advice or experience?

Sorry DD =DS

I've had similar.
Keep him at a breezy distance if you can, it's just a day. But try and step back from your ADULT children's interactions with him, they really have to make their own way with this now and policing it will only add to your stress. Your children are not being disloyal to you by wanting to explore this!
Weddings create a whole atmosphere of their own - you might find it easier than you think, especially if you can get to a point of only feeling responsible for yourself.

How big's the wedding? I think it'll be easier to 'skirt round' him than you think (in my experience of awkward encounters in group situations). Even if you're not powdering your nose, it'll be easy to drift/ wander off to another group of people. I think your understandable anxieties are magnifying this.

Or are you concerned that he will seek you out? Or that well-meaning but misguided people will try to bring you together?

As for your sons, that is hard. I can understand being hurt and angry that they might want to engage with someone who's hurt you. I think all you can do is detach as best you can. He doesn't seem very nice so probably they'll discover that for themselves quite quickly.

If reach out to him in advance to set the boundaries.

i am attending x’s wedding and aware you will be too.

I want to make it clear that this is not an opportunity for us to rekindle our relationship nor for you to play the role of granddad to children who don’t know you. Please do not introduce yourself to them and confuse them.

I will you well and will be polite but do not want any contact other than keeping things civil and nice for the bride and groom

It’s not appropriate for your son to approach him at this wedding. If he wants to get to know him he should contact him at a different time.

If you chat to him, just do polite small talk.
How have things been? Have you been on any nice holidays recently? Etc.

Your boys aren't being disloyal to you. Let them chat to him.

Hi, he expressly and clearly said on both occasions that he rejected me that I was never to contact him again! I haven’t. Ironically every year he sends me a Xmas card though. I think he does it to pretend to himself he was not the one that instigated and enforced a “never contact me again” rule. I hate receiving them as always makes me feel sick. They go in bin without opening- I know his handwriting on envelope. It’s odd isn’t it that he has never sent my sons cards!

I appreciate the suggestion but I don’t want to “break his rules” . Also this sort of letter is type I sent to raise issues that led to him telling me not to contact him again. It will probably have the same impact on him and he could well lash out back with a response letter of “ don’t you dare write something like that…how dare you..disrespectful..disappointed in you…never contact me agian” type shit he has dished out twice before. I really don’t want to go through more outright rejection again.

That’s my issue. I feel like saying this..BUT, like most of other posters here I know it is controlling And totally unreasonable. They are adults and can have relationships or talk to whoever they like whenever they like
it is about me managing my emotions and feelings when and if I see them doing that and potentially looking like they’re enjoying that conversation. 😢😳

I think with your children this might be about the human need to know our roots, to see where we come from, to 'place' ourselves. They won't be bonding with a grandfather - there comes a point where it's too late to form an emotional bond because they haven't been present for all the occasions where bonds are formed and nurtured.
So try not to see your dc as being disloyal, I really do think it is just natural human curiosity.

You could say that it's not appropriate to approach him at the wedding because that day is about the b&g. I think that would be reasonable for you to ask.If they do it anyway, prep them for the possibility that he will be rude. Again, that's a reason not to approach because this is someone else's wedding. Your kids should do as you ask really.

I also think that you could write to your father as suggested. It doesn't matter that he told you not to - his opinions aren't more important than yours and you have every right to say what you want to him! If you do, I'd include that the dc are curious and may wish to say hello.

I think I'd just try to avoid him. You don't have to make polite conversation - your only obligation is to not cause a scene for the b&g, but it's perfectly acceptable to just excuse yourself and not speak to him at all.

I suggest having a non-rude, ‘exit line’ you can say anytime you end up mingling with him or in the same circle as him. So he joins your conversation circle, and says a general hello to the group or to you specifically, you smile, say hello back, then say:

• My glass is empty, I’m going to the bar. Can I get one for anyone else?


• Excuse me, need to powder my nose/go to the bathroom


• Oh! There is the bride/old Aunt Sally, excuse me, I have been trying to get a chance to speak with her all day


• excuse me, that’s my phone ringing. I thought it was off! Just excuse me to answer it and turn it off.

Say them all in a really friendly tone and with a big smile. From what you say he is unlikely to follow or stalk you around the wedding, so you probably
only need a few of these.

in ration to your children, I’d gently remind them that the day is about your cousin, and nothing they should do should take away from that. So if they have any big plans to ‘get into it’ with him, they should say hello and arrange to meet him elsewhere to do it on another occasion (if he will do so, or even turns up). I’d be firm about this part and say they have no right to spoil the wedding, and even if they think the conversation they have in mind won’t, you as the voice of experience are telling them that it might be, and they must not be rude to your cousin.

Yes your DSs have every right to speak to your F if they want, and you shouldn't try to stop them. But you also have every right to tell them your feelings.

They're adults and they need to make their own decisions by having the full facts. The FULL facts include how you would feel if they buddy up with grandad at the wedding and seemingly forgive him.

Thank you for the suggestions…more useful lines instead of powdering my nose…and the comments about kids wanting to know their roots….my younger dc already knows detailed history as he asked some years back and he says he doesn’t have much urge to get to know him..but he was very small child when last he saw GF and can’t remember him. The elder dc is one who wants to chat but knows less detail on background so I will speak to him before wedding and talk him through and why it’s so painful for me. I like the idea of asking dc to “go off line “ if he does want lengthy get to know you with his GC .

@EmilyBolton
Do you have siblings or half siblings - same father ?

I had the same. I was polite but kept my distance it was fine (really weird) but fine

If you do bump into him don't be afraid to let the awkward silences happen. A brief 'hi, how are you? I'm fine thanks' and if you can't excuse yourself with 'oh I see aunti Mable, excuse me' just stand and smile at him, let him make conversation. If he's as you say he won't want to get into anything deep.

Siblings. They’re not estranged…I’m close to them but they don’t really “get” the issues. One will be way to distracted on day to do anything- or jolly well should be!

This is a good point…I do tend to speak to fill gaps and silence ! But yes, you’re right…he told me not to contact him..so let him do the talking and I don’t need to fill in gaps…you’re right.