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Relationships

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Should i train or what should i do with my brother?

11 replies

Zwamper · 15/05/2022 13:45

Do you think I should train with my brother? I am 19m and have 7 siblings, 4 younger and 3 big brothers on my mother's side. Because we have different mothers and my parents have been arguing a lot since I was 5 years old, my older brothers have distanced themselves and only lived with their father since I was 10 years old.
My big brothers are 26m.27m, and 28m years old.
Younger sibblings 10m,13g,18m,19m,19m
Both the large age difference and the fact that they have distanced themselves has meant that we have had a very bad contact. Type again contact at all between 10 years and 18.I have always seen them as my brothers and missed them incredibly much during my upbringing. It has taken a toll on me not to meet them. But it has always felt like they do not want to meet us younger siblings.
But last fall, my mother contacted the older brother and we met and had dinner together. We talked and promised to keep meeting.
So we met twice after that on both initiatives. But since then I have had a lot of work and other things along the way, so have not contacted him since Christmas. Which he has not done either.
But last Sunday I asked if he wanted to meet and maybe train or do something else this week. he replied that "Yes! We speak more in the week" but then he did not write anything so last Friday I wrote to him and asked if he still wanted to meet, and if Sunday worked well and I gave him suggestions on what we could do. He replied that we could do that, but did not respond to my suggestions. so I asked again but got no answer. Today, Sunday, he answers at 1 o'clock and asks if I still want to meet and train.
I think it's weird not to answer, especially since we have such a fragile relationship. If he does not want to meet, it's better for say so.
I'm still eager to train with him, but I feel that he should have an excuse not to have answered me until now, even though he was completely free during the weekend. I'm so damn tired of being treated like shit, and always feel like I need to take the initiative. I think that he and the other big brothers should be the ones who take the initiative.
I have also had some contact with the youngest big brother since 3 years back but it has also started to run out in the sand now.
The problem I have is that I want a relationship with them but never feel that they take the initiative (if very rarely). Because I and my younger siblings have not met my older siblings, we ar almost like strangers, we have missed the important time to grow up with each other. I want to try to build a relationship but it feels especially difficult when you are treated like this.
What do you think I should do? train with him or ignore and see if he makes any contact in the future?
If you have other things to say you can write that too.

OP posts:
easyday · 15/05/2022 14:07

You're not being 'treated like shut'. Your brother has rather dropped the ball a bit, but more in that he has been too casual and probably doesn't realise how much meeting up means to you. If it's more important to you than him, then it will fall to you to make the contact.
Your older brothers have their own lives and may not realise how you feel.
My son is 18 and has two half brothers 31 and 33. Their father died when he was 6, snd when they were teens the older boys lived with us, so I always hoped they'd step up a bit and be there for my son when he got in to the tricky teen phase, and the transition to adulthood, especially as one of them told me he resents how his uncles didn't reach out to him when his father died (he was 19 at the time). But they haven't. In fact I was really dismayed to find out that both had travelled very near to where my son lives (about 75 miles from where they do) and did not call him and suggest they all meet up.
So it is sad your older brothers do not seem to want to get to know you more. But hard as it is you have to realise they are at a different life stage and are happy to keep things very casual, and for all the 'yea let's meet up' talk, it's not a top priority.

Zwamper · 15/05/2022 14:15

Thanks you! Should i message him that I have other plans or should i still train with him! Feel like if he wants to meet in the future he needs to tell so!

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 15/05/2022 14:17

Aw, it's hard to be knocked back when you so want a relationship. But it takes two to make a relationship happen, and it looks like you want one kind of relationship and he wants another.

I would say go this once. Ask him if you two could make it regular thing. Tell him you'd like to know him better, spend more time with him. He may need time to get used to the idea. And he may not be interested at all.

All you can do is tell him what you want and give him the opportunity. You can't make him do it. So, give him opportunities but don't put yourself on hold. (Eg if you suggest doing something give him time to reply - but if he doesn't, then you make other plans and live your life.)

DisplayPurposesOnly · 15/05/2022 14:21

Should i message him that I have other plans or should i still train with him!

Do you actually have other plans? If you do, then just say 'Sorry, you didn't get back to me so I've made other plans. How about [next week]?'

If you don't have other plans, then go. Don't play silly games.

Zwamper · 15/05/2022 14:31

I think I should write to him that I do not want this time but that we may take it another time

OP posts:
Zwamper · 15/05/2022 14:34

The think is that we both already have had that talk and we both would like to train like once a week or atleast twice a month and meet eachother. But when he does like this I feel like I just should drop him and if he likes to meet me in the future he will need to take some initiative

OP posts:
ThatAnnoysMeToo · 15/05/2022 14:57

I'm going to be blunt.

You sound very immature, stop playing games. If you want to go, then go.

They have their own lives, probably children. You are an adult, do you have your own life?

Grow up a bit. Focus on your job/uni.... Work on yourself. Do not base your world around theirs. You're both free? Great. If not, another time then. Youre acting like a 12 year old trying to play games and hard to get for their first boyfriend/girlfriend, not like a grown man bonding with his brother. It sounds exhausting to your brothers to be perfectly honest.

If you mature and grow up a bit, your relationship may improve.

Zwamper · 15/05/2022 15:11

im not inmature I told him that we can meet another time but not this time! not one of my brothers have familes or children! they work and I work.

I asked him to meet one week ago and he said yes. Then he said that we should speak more in the week so I waited until friday and the i asked him again if he would like to meet and train on sunday, he said yes. But did not answer until today on my questions about what he would like to do.

That what I call inmature to not answer when you say you want to meet. I you dont have time or dont want to meet say so. I have a life to and if we plan something! I need answers too. I havent contacted him because i havent felt i have had time before this week. But now I had time so I asked him. He even told that he dont do anything on sundays so very weird he dont answer the day before or before 1 o clock today

OP posts:
Zwamper · 15/05/2022 15:35

I wrote my brother that "I no longer want and we can do it another time!" He answered that we maybe can meet something next week! I said "yes! sounds good"

But this time and next time he will need to ask me and come up with a plan on what we should do. I will need to see some initiatives from his side in the future or I wont contact him.

OP posts:
Zwamper · 15/05/2022 16:17

Last sunday -
(Hey! do you want to meet next week?
from me),
(Hey, Yes sound good) (We should speak more in the week about plans, From him)
(Sound like a plan, from me)
This friday - (what do you do on sunday?) (Hi! nothing much, I have to clean some clothes and prepare for the week) (Do you want to do anything? like train or anything else? do you have a gymcard somewhere)
(Yes, i think we should) (We can go to a outdoor gym or if you have another idea)

Sunday 1 o clock-
(Hey! do you still want to train?) (no, we can do it another time!)
(we maybe can meet something next week!) ( "yes! sounds good" )

OP posts:
Zwamper · 15/05/2022 16:20

The whole conversation went like this
I am the bold text
Last sunday -
(Hey! do you want to meet next week?
from me),
(Hey, Yes sound good) (We should speak more in the week about plans, From him)
(Sound like a plan, from me)
This friday - (what do you do on sunday?) (Hi! nothing much, I have to clean some clothes and prepare for the week) (Do you want to do anything? like train or anything else? do you have a gymcard somewhere)
(Yes, i think we should) (We can go to a outdoor gym or if you have another idea)

Sunday 1 o clock-
(Hey! do you still want to train?) (no, we can do it another time!)
(we maybe can meet something next week!) ( "yes! sounds good" )

OP posts:
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