End of a long marriage, but no clue how to tackle the practicalities

[lonelynfrustrated]

I’ve name changed for what will quickly become obvious reasons, but have been here for many years.

Been married for coming up 20 years, two teens, one of whom will hopefully be off to uni next year, the other one coming up to GCSE year. It’s been a very tough 20 years – maybe the first 4 were truly happy but then he left the armed forces and everything just slowly fell apart. I couldn’t do anything about it for several years as we lived in his home country and not only was I there on a spouse visa sponsored by him, but if I had left then I would not have been allowed to take the kids with me. We finally moved to my home country (as I was breadwinner and got a job here) a few years ago.

DH is massively depressed (though won’t seek help), has piled on several stone in weight and now suffers from what the GP reckons is GERD, adult-onset asthma, and sleep apnoea. The sleep apnoea is currently under investigation but is bad enough that I often sleep on the sofa at the other end of the house and he still keeps me awake with the racket.

He also has developed total ED over the last 5 years (and frequent ED for the 4 years before that) though refuses to seek any help over this; on one occasion I convinced him to try OTC Viagra but it had zero effect and he was mortified so it was never mentioned again.

He is loud and shouty and has no patience, frequently gets in our child’s face to scream. There are frequent complaints at work about him being ‘intimidating’ and I live in perpetual fear of him being fired for it.

When he has time off work he sits and plays on the PS4, or sleeps. Over the years I’ve tried asking if he wants to do stuff together, go out, find a shared interest, and he simply says ‘my plan is just to get through tomorrow’. He’s financially irresponsible and a liability, I am forever finding bills he hasn’t paid (I pay all household bills for this reason but he opens store cards without me knowing and doesn’t pay them, or doesn’t pass along the mobile phone bill to be paid etc).

We now live as affable housemates and co-parent as well as we can. There is precisely zero intimacy or physical affection (there might be a kiss on top of the head as he goes to bed but that’s it) and I haven’t had sex for at least 7 years (possibly longer but that’s when I started ‘counting’). I have a decent sex drive and this is driving me to distraction. I feel unloved, unattractive, lonely, and increasingly desperate. I see sex scenes on the telly and get tearful! I’m in the middle of the menopause and always hoped this would kill my libido so I could ‘match’ his, but my drive is increasing, not decreasing!

We have no spare room for me to move into, otherwise I would have been there years ago. I am the main breadwinner and always have been, he is on a zero hours contract and not interested in trying to get onto a more stable footing at work (which concerns me as his health is taking a massive nosedive and I can foresee a time when he will be out of work with no sick leave etc and totally dependent on me). There is no way he could take on the house mortgage on his income; I could, and could buy him out (just!), but he’ll never agree to leave.

I just want him to be gone. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, not least as it would devastate the kids, but I want to be able to rebuild a life for myself without living under the huge black cloud he drags around with him. I could take on the house and all costs at a stretch, I don’t even want maintenance etc from him. But I also want the kids to have some security and not have to move home during exam years, and in any case couldn’t afford to move me and the kids somewhere else yet still pay towards the house mortgage so he can stay here. I certainly don’t want to leave him and the kids in the house and go myself as a) he is way too aggressive and shouty towards them and b) I couldn’t afford to rent a home that could accommodate visits from the kids AND pay my share of the mortgage AND pay him maintenance, I don’t earn anywhere near enough.

I’m so stuck, and so miserable. I just turned 50 and it feels as though my life should just be beginning. Instead, I just see years of drudge and misery until one of us gives up and dies! For years I promised myself I’d sort this out when both kids were in school and didn’t need childcare / when I got us out of his home country / when both kids were at secondary school / when eldest had done their GCSE’s…… and here we are. The big milestone for me was ‘when he has a decent job of his own so he can support himself’ and that has never happened, and is highly unlike to now. If he does end up living on his own, he will end up living in squalor and povery, I'm sure of it. There’s simply never been a ‘good’ time.

Two years ago we paid for marriage counselling, went every 2 weeks for 6 months and he would not only not do the exercises we were set, but would lie about it and say he’d done them. I would be sat next to him whilst he 'looked' at a blank page in an empty notebook and ‘read out’ his responses to the questionnaire or whatever we had been set. I eventually said to him, that to show me he was committed he could arrange the next appointment. That was 18 months ago and I’m still waiting.

Day to day we struggle on, are friendly to one another and do things for one another (he mows the lawn, I do his laundry, etc). We’ll even have ‘good’ days where we get along just fine as ‘friends’, kids are happy, there are no arguments, and then I’ll think I’m exaggerating to myself how bad things are. But I want a ‘partner’ in life, someone to go out and go places, shared interests, and I most definitely want a love life.

What do I do? Where do I start?

I would see a solicitor, OP, to see what your next move should be.

My God I feel suicidal just reading this. How horrific to see your life wasted like this, and by your husband no less.

You seem to be coming up with endless reasons why you can't leave, but they are weak. Aren't you worried that you are showing your dc why staying in a bad relationship shows a lack of self respect on your part. Why haven't you told him you want a trial separation?

Go and see a solicitor, get legal advice and start the ball rolling. You can't afford to ignore this situation any longer, it will destroy your own mental and physical health.

You’re definitely not too young to start over. Do you want the next 20 years to be like this? My parents got divorced in their early 60s and my Mum is so much happier without my Dad bringing her down. She’s had to downsize but the house is all hers and she doesn’t have to deal with my Dad’s life admin.

Watching the replies as this has echos of my life.

It's not awful, most of the time. But I try not to think about it too

In order to move forward, but in a cooperative way, I would set about finding a flat for him.

Given you're the main earner and he is inadequate at sorting things out anyway, I'd call this that last bit of "wife work" you do. And you're doing it so he leaves, goes quickly, and you can all move forward and separate.

I'd not tell him about looking. Find a decent ish 2 bed flat (so the kids can come over). I'd even pay the deposit, just to get rid of him.

With that sorted, when he's out one say, literally move him out. Pack his bags, change the locks, leave his stuff outside along with flat keys and address. Have mentally divided up some of the furniture for him, tell him he can organise collection himself.

It will cost you a bit of money, but gives you the control to move forward and make him move out.

Marriage is always about compromises - only you can say when it is a compromise too far. Now that point is reached you need to see a solicitor.

When there is clear abuse of any kind, there is a simply decision.

Has your husband been diagnosed with depression? I’d say that he definitely is depressed from what you’ve described. I think the issue for many, especially men, is that depression is a dirty and shameful word that means it often goes undiagnosed.
Depression in men often presents differently than it does in women, so the anger and the irritability etc are sure signs that he is not mentally well.
Taking medication could be the help that he needs to get better - even if it’s without you as his partner.

Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be all about him, when you are the one that has asked for support, but if he gets better then it may make your separation etc easier to deal with.
You need to look after yourself and do what’s best for your children. I think you’ve suffered enough and you deserve to be happy so I hope you can find the strength to end the relationship.

It's hard isn't it op, i was in similar situation and separated from 30 year marriage at a similar age, three kids all over 18 but he had become another dependent with mental health issues, he hadn't worked for 18 years at that point and was making my life miserable with his mood swings and total lack of appreciation for what I did or show any concern, love or consideration towards me. The main problem though was he wouldn't do anything to make himself get better and lied about it!

One step at a time is my advice, don't worry about a solicitor at this stage, i didn't for another 5 years actually, just get him out of the house and you will relax and be able to think clearer. I don't know how old he is but mine was a fair bit older than me and went into housing association flat for over 60s after staying with a relative for a while. I did far too much for him even at this stage, drove him to view flats and did his washing😕 old habits die hard, was only after I'd had some thinking space that I really thought what a fool I'd been and yes, I worried that he would do himself harm, he didn't of course, too selfish! Start straight away, you'll feel much better for it I promise, we only get one short life, we deserve to enjoy it and at the very least be able to relax in our own home💐

As you live separately in the same house can’t you start a no blame divorce? Surely that would then initiate a house sale and division of assets? You could then offer to buy him out. I think legal advice is your first step.
You can’t help a man who won’t help himself and do you want to waste any more of your life by staying with him?

I think selling the house is your best option, then its all clear and done and no bad memories around you. A fresh start. See a lawyer start the divorce process and put the house on the market. Look at it like a side project you are working on with that glorious goal at the end of having your own place with no black cloud parasite clinging on to you.

He will be as obstructive as possible, bet on it. Even if you get him somewhere else to go he wont, or he'll leave then come back and what then. You cant stop him until its all formal. So lawyer, file for divorce, put together a fair settlement offer, get it signed, sell the house, halve the money, and get out. And any whiff of violence from him, you call the police and get him thrown out, then get an occupation and non-molestation order.

Your main worry is your child going into GCSEs, just try to keep it all hidden and then be very positive about the move, get it all done before A levels if you can. A happy peaceful home is where people thrive, which is not what you have or have had for a very long time.

Thank you so much for the replies and everyone's kindness. That whole essay just came pouring out of me today and then i wondered if people would just tell me to get a grip and that i was being unreasonable. I'm so touched by everyone's input.

To answer some questions....

No, this isn't at all the model of marriage i want my kids to see. My own parents have been married over 50 years and i vividly remember as a kid seeing how utterly miserable they made one another. I certainly do not want to live what's left of my life like this.

Yes, he was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago. He tried antidepressants for a fortnight and then refused to take them as they made him tired. He has no interest in seeking further help.

It's interesting a couple of you have talked about taking it step by step, sorting out a physical separation first and then worrying about divorce later. I wonder why I've never really thought about it that way, I've always been mentally trying to figure everything out in one go and then getting overwhelmed and ending up doing nothing because i can't figure it all out.

The no fault divorce is of particular interest. He's massively angry at the best of times and i can't imagine deliberately creating acrimony as it would be a nightmare. But a practical conversation about how we can go our separate ways might work.

You've given me lots to think about, thank you.

A very depressing read OP. You are not restricted by poor health or lack of finances. You are the main bread winner and clearly a capable and intelligent woman. I have no idea why you have put up with all this - and for so many years. Or what’s holding you back from getting out. The financial irresponsibility, the aggression, the lack of sex, ignoring you, shouting at your children - it’s hard to see any positives. Maybe some women feel the need to be in a relationship and the reasons are all different? Maybe you need permission to leave op? Anyway, I think solicitor is first stop. Find a good one if you can. It may really help you clarify your options and this can be energising too. Good luck.

If I were you I would speak to a solicitor first. See where you stand. Trying to discuss practicalities with “someone who is massively angry at the best of times” seems to me pointless at best or counter productive at worst. He sounds a massive bully to me - to you and your children.

Focus on the practicalities.
Gather all financial documentation. Savings and investment statements, salary slips, pensions, mortgage...,.... everything.
See an experienced family solicitor.
And go from there.

Don't imagine that the first solicitor is your only option. My 4th was great!

Start by deciding what you want. In terms of kids, house etc. Two lists - what you want and what you can live with.

You will need a list of assets and liabilities, house, mortgage, savings, pensions. Get the house valued. Get a credit report on yourself to check for hidden debt.

See a solicitor with as much information as possible. Decide if you like them. Point out that he is scary.

Then you tell him you are divorcing him and serve papers. I would recommend aiming for a clean break. If you can afford no child maintenance that is probably best for you emotionally. I took this option and it served me very well. Not an option for most though.

similar position.
mine just seems to ignore it - how do you make the break? what is they won't go?
we have a younger child.

I agree that legal advice is your first step. I know it's overwhelming but once you find the right solicitor, they take a lot of the burden away from you.

It sounds as though you need to buy him out of the house. The solicitor will advise you on this. You need to put yourself and your children first. he is an adult and can look after himself - he isn't your responsibility. Perhaps this will be the impetus he needs to sort his own health out, but you need to focus on yourself.

I am in a similar position - coming to the end of a 25 year marriage. What has helped me enormously has been to see a therapist who has helped me clear the mental blocks that are stopping me from moving on (and out). I feel enormously guilty towards my children for bringing them up in such a negative relationship and it is taking time to work out why I never left when things were so bad for so long.

At the moment things probably seem so overwhelming that it easier to do nothing. But you deserve happiness and you CAN do this!

The practicalities will fall into place when you are mentally equipped to deal with them. So getting help from a counsellor/therapist/life coach who specialises in separation or divorce would be a great place to start.

Good luck and sending you positive vibes!!

I could have written your post OP. I now joke that my 50th birthday present to myself was a divorce. My husband was angry and abusive, and had been forced out of work because of his bad behaviour. He had poor mental and physical health and various events had made me feel there was never a right time to leave.

Eventually I realised that that time would never come, so it had to be 'now'. After yet another row, I simply told him I wanted a divorce. He couldn't believe it, tried to persuade me he'd change (he lasted one whole day as the new improved version of himself), and got angrier and angrier at me, but I ploughed on. I told all our friends and family I was getting a divorce, and was cheered on and supported - not one person said I was making a mistake.

It took 18 months to sell the house, because he rejected all offers. I moved into the spare room, carried on with all housework etc as I didn't want the house to deteriorate if he lived there alone, and I lived my life. We even had some nice days, but I knew they never lasted. I waited two years to apply for divorce, because there was no no-fault then, but it meant no expensive legal fees.

I am only telling you this because you can do it too. You need to tell,
him it's happening and set the wheels in motion. Get the support of those who care for you, and move on.

10 years on now, I'm with a man I love; I have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren; I have a peaceful home, the dog I always wanted and I'm happy. He is still angry, but he's not my problem now.

Aargh, no paragraphs!

Just remembered, I also went for counselling, on my own. My therapist told me, after about six sessions, that I could keep coming to see her and pay a lot of money to complain about my husband OR I could use my friends for that, and use my sessions to either decide how to cope with him, or decide how to leave him. It was the kick up the bum I needed - that was the day I told him I was divorcing him.

Your DH sounds like my ex . I eventually had to leave when he became so angry he attacked our son . It’s been hard but we are so much happier and I feel guilty I didn’t leave sooner. My solicitor was poor and I am still fighting for my share of the house . Try and get recommendations for a good solicitor. Good luck OP it will be worth it x

Yeah.
My sister did the same...
Planned to leave "when the kids finish primary/secondary/gcses...."
In the end she became suicidal so that was that.
Her youngest was 15 so not quite at gcses. 20 years of her life wasted.
She asked for a divorce, eventually got one (once he'd found another idiot to take him on) and she is now renting a house and having to work ft (after not working for 20 years...) at 49.
Obviously as you are the main earner a lot of that ^ won't apply to you, but there will never be a "good" time.
You deserve to be happy.
He has shown you how much effort you are worth (none)
Go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling.