Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How long to be completely over breakup?

19 replies

EL2022 · 15/05/2022 11:14

So my five-year relationship ended 15 months ago. I was heartbroken for months, took me a good year to see the light again, have resumed an activity I'd stopped doing, so am really trying, yet I still have a lingering flatness/ still think about him/ don't feel completely back to myself. I feel after 15 months I should be over it completely, so am wondering is this normal?

OP posts:

TheFairyNamedMary · 15/05/2022 12:23

That seems like a long time. But I had one break up and took years and affected my MH, didn’t realise how badly until I eventually went to the docs.

Chopsticks22 · 15/05/2022 12:31

@EL2022 I am a month out of a 3 year relationship. I think about him everyday. I think this will take me a while to let go. When my previous 5 year relationship ended I think it probably took me about a year to feel I had fully moved on. Sometimes I think it depends on how much you loved them, how you broke up, and the reason for the split. I think if it also wasn’t your decision then it hits you hardest. Was it his decision? X

LadyLolaRuben · 15/05/2022 12:39

It took me 3 years to recover from a 12.5 year relationship. 5 years after the break up I had a great day and felt I had my mojo back. It was then I realised how down I had been. Looking back I wished I'd gone to counselling. I wasted 5 years of the best part of my life

fluffycereal · 15/05/2022 12:39

I think it vey much depends on why the break up happened

Original poster

EL2022 · 15/05/2022 12:42

His decision. He wasn't in love with me.

OP posts:

Hoolahulahoop · 15/05/2022 12:42

I was in a 7 year relationship that I was messed about a bit emotionally in. We broke up a few times and I never got over it. I met my husband 8 weeks after out last split and I was healed very quickly.

Have you tried dating again

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/05/2022 12:43

I broke up with my husband in 2019 and I'm still nowhere near over it or ready to date again.

Everyone is different. Personally I'd say 15 months isn't that long...

Original poster

EL2022 · 15/05/2022 12:47

No, I've actually no interest in dating and haven't dated at all, but maybe that'll come in time.

OP posts:

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/05/2022 12:49

Well in my case I'm not sure if I'll ever date again. Every relationship I've had has ended in disaster. Don't think I'll ever trust a man again.

Strawberrydelight55 · 15/05/2022 13:22

I'd really does depend on what was going on. Every relationship will affect you different. I'm 5 weeks single and still feeling lost. That's because he was abusive but also I tried to hard and got so little. I had plenty of highs and lows with him. Probably more lows. Never felt fully content.

What happened?

I can't wait for more time to pass. I'm excited to be months ahead and done. But right now it's rough and I'm still healing and educating myself

Perhaps you need a therapist

Perhaps you are still feeling lonely In the evenings etc. I find mornings hard

Chopsticks22 · 15/05/2022 13:48

@EL2022 I think it will be hitting you harder because of the reason you split and that it wasn’t your choice. I know from my own experiences though that sometimes when relationships end we start to focus on all the good times and the what ifs rather than the reality of the relationship. I miss my ex a lot but I’m trying to remember all the reasons I was not happy. I think we also miss the familiarity and the comfort of having that person there after a break up. But there were a lot of times in my last relationship I felt lonely too. Don’t try and force yourself to be over something but do start to open your mind to a new future. Why not browse through some dating apps even just anonymously. Remind yourself there are others and new possibilities out there x

IstayedForTheFeminism · 15/05/2022 13:50

I was always told roughly half the length of the relationship which seems roughly true for me.

AbsoluteShambles · 15/05/2022 14:10

I think it depends on lots of factors. The main one being, how it ended - not just why.

I’m 10 months out from the breakup with my ex and still affected. It’s not that I still love him or want him back - I just can’t quite believe how he behaved during and after the breakup, how that didn’t fit with him talking about marriage right up until the day before things ended, and how all of his terribleness felt so at odds with the man I thought I knew.

It was all so jarring - and as someone who doesn’t trust easily, it did a real number on me.

Not to hijack but just to illustrate that I think you can be over the person faster than being over what happened.

You’ll get there. We all do in the end. 🙂

Original poster

EL2022 · 15/05/2022 14:12

I'm the same, I don't want him back, but it's how cold he was when we broke up, but I know all his other relationships ended similarly. I foolishly thought I was different.

OP posts:

AbsoluteShambles · 15/05/2022 14:29

I hear you on that. My ex had spun the ending of his previous relationships a particular way that didn’t raise any alarm bells but I now see that with very little effort, they can be reframed as him actually being an immature/narcissistic prick. Like he was with me.

Hang in there. If I can get over another of my exes - who I loved madly and for whom I cannot rustle up a bad word - then we can both get over these tossers.

👊🏻

Strawberrydelight55 · 15/05/2022 15:24

Mine also was leaning on me financially. In.love with me. Wanted me..until we split.

Then.he magically cut me off and used words like crazy and stroppy to describe me. He blocked me everywhere and wouldn't answer about his important stuff still at mine.

He'd magically forget I'd bought all his food for 8 months. Supported him with his housing issues and financial stresses. I paid for all his dog food. Walked his dog when he was in too much pain..I massaged his back for hours. I left my kids on and off over Christmas and weekends so he had company. Bought him stuff when he had nothing. But that was all magically forgotten when I questioned him on his sneaky contact with his jealous ex.

DeskInUse · 15/05/2022 15:26

To be completely over a long relationship I usually give myself 3 years. I know that seems a long time, but this usually the time I no longer have any emotional connect with that person

hells1234 · 15/05/2022 15:55

I don't think you can put a time on it, I've been with someone else almost 2 years now and in the best place I've ever been in but I'm still bitter about my ex and the break up, like you I would never get back with him but before the split he made me feel like I was going crazy after arguments of what I knew he was going to do!then lo and behold a few months later he ended it and did exactly what I knew he would, I know you say you don't want to date but maybe that's what you need, just go on a couple to take your mind off him! It might give you a boost and get him out of your head for a while. Good luck! X

Original poster

EL2022 · 15/05/2022 16:39

@AbsoluteShambles they can be reframed as him actually being an immature/narcissistic prick. Like he was with me."

I've had a few sessions with a counsellor and from different things I told her, she suggested narcissist, but who knows.

OP posts:

Flip