Is my wife lying to me? What to do?

[DS333]

Hi,

first time posting as I am not sure what to do. Been with my wife for 13 years married for 5. Have 2 children one of which is only a few months old. It’s been a happy marriage with no issues.
A few weeks ago she went out with some friends and her ex boyfriend went (I think they broke up when she was 20 so along time ago). I didn’t think much oh this. Then a few days ago she said she was meeting her friend again, which I thought was strange as they weren’t local or live local. Her story also changed about where they were going, who was going etc. I had a gut feeling something was off. I then randomly for the first time ever checked her phone. I know this is completely wrong and breaking trust and privacy. I hate my self for doing it.
Anyway I saw no messages from the friends she said she was meeting, only messages from this ex. There were a lot of messages. Turns out he was getting a train in to meet her and he was staying in a hotel that night. I just let it go thinking I’m paranoid. But I checked again the day after and my wife messages him after to say sorry for bringing old things up and it was good to talk. He then messages saying that his hotel bed is nice but not as good as a bed with you.
I feel I need to bring this up with her as it’s eating me up inside. But how do I bring it up? As I know I’m in the wrong

You do need to bring it up,she's lied to you,just be straight to the point,any chance u can get copies of the messages in case she denies it xx

You aren't in the wrong though, she is, she's already lying to you. Ask her where she actually went the other day. Ask her why she feels the need to lie to you about it.

Yes it was wrong to check her phone, but I wouldn't judge you for checking it because you thought something was off, and you were proven right.

Yes your wife is lying to you. You know that much. And she is lying about meeting up with an ex and exchanging meaningful conversation / flirty messages.

I'm sure some people will say you shouldn't say anything yet, just wait for more evidence etc, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself bringing it up. 'I know you met ex bf the other night, on your own, and you've lied to me about it - you need to tell me why you met him and why you lied'.

Be very wary of gaslighting and deflection.

Trust your gut this is completely wrong. The fact she's lying to cover her tracks. Probably conflicted in some way. I think your best to confront and get her to make a decision. Might sound a bit OTT but honestly if this continues it will kill the relationship anyway.

She's cheated on you what are you waiting for? Probably met her ex at a hotel, clearly wasn't for a game of snakes & ladders for old time sake.

Has she continued to lie about the night? I'd be tempted to wait a little longer and get ducks in a row.

She’s lied. You’ve snooped. This isn’t a happy respectful relationship between equals.

You need to speak to her, but be aware she’ll probably try to deflect - not entirely unreasonably, TBF - to focus on you looking at her phone, especially if she’s feeling defensive. But hopefully you can have a conversation about why she felt the need to lie.

How did she reply to his “I’d rather be in bed with you” text, incidentally?

Thanks everyone I’m going to talk to her about this later when the children are asleep. So I did check again and the chat was deleted, but then restarted so all the old messages are gone. I’m stuck with why she would keep messaging someone who sent her flirty/sexual messages.
I this has hit me hard, this is not like us at all. In fact we normally joke about how drama free our relationship is.