Not sure where to begin but just feeling low. I have always suffered from very low self esteem, arising from a childhood where I was in the shadow of a sibling and other dysfunctional behaviours from parents. Had lots of therapy and understand it more now. Relationship with sibling always been good and relationship with parents has been tricky but got better as time as gone on and they genuinely do seem to recognise some of the stuff that went wrong, (although not all of it).
Obviously romantic relationships have been a struggle. I didn’t meet a genuinely decent man until I was 30. He was very kind and loving and present and wanted to know all about me and loved me completely. I found it overwhelming, having been used to emotionally distant men etc. By 33 I had ended things, he was devastated. A year after I was in a relationship verging on abusive which only lasted a few months. I seemed to wake up to the fact I had lost someone great. I looked up nice man online before getting in contact and he had fully moved on. He seemed very happy so I left it.
I then met current man, when I was 35. We were together a year and I was pregnant. Sloppy use of contraception really, but we had talked about kids. He’s a few years older. For the first three months I didn’t know what to do. While the relationship was good, it was lacking in a lot of areas…he’s not keen on holidays, he’s quite reserved and rarely gushing with feelings, takes me out for dinner and things like that but there’s no real effort with my family, it’s all a big conversation/argument if I want him to come to a family lunch etc. He has no parents still here so hasn’t had that family unit. I find all this really hard and it’s made me think about the ‘nice man’ over and over.
What’s worse is that the nice man lives doors away from my family where I grew up. My memories of the relationship are very much there whenever I go back there. I find myself comparing all the time.
I did fall in love with current man. I do know that’s true. But in time i have realised that he will never be the person nice man was to me. He’s never going to go the extra mile to make me happy because he’s just not that sort of man. He’s quite dependable and hard working and there’s lots of attributes in him that are lovely. He’s not abusive, he’s not had loads of relationship experience.
But here I am, pregnant, knowing that I could have been with someone who loved me in ways that were better for me. Just wanted to get it out there really and untangle my feelings a bit.