Struggling to define relationship

[Biscuitsgalore18]

Hello,
I am 40, my partner is 56. We have been together for 7 years. Live together, I live in his house. He said after we had been together a year that he never wanted to get married. It’s always been difficult for me to accept this, but I decided to go with it as I love him and we have a good relationship. My childhood was quite abusive and as a young adult I went on to have my own abusive relationships. My partner treats me incredibly well, respects me, accepts me for who i am and we have some wonderful times together. He has never been married before (neither have I) it’s just something he has never wanted. Part of the problem I think is that we vary financially, he owns his own house and has substantial savings. Whereas I don’t, however I choose to spend my money on school fees, which I know is my choice and one I make as my daughter has autism and benefits hugely from the small class sizes. Anyway… I am really struggling to define our relationship. I think I am also on the spectrum which makes it challenging for me not to categorise things such as seeing a committed relationship as a married couple. I know a wedge is developing between us. If we aren’t a married couple and are not leading to that.. are we therefore in a casual relationship. But we live together and have family holidays, go to family events together so we are more than causal. But what?! Arrggh my head! I just need a label for it, which sounds ridiculous I know. How have others defined a committed but unmarried relationship? I don’t mean to offend anyone. I am not suggesting people that choose not to marry are uncommitted. I just need a way for it to make sense for me. Thank you.

I'm a believer that marriage is just a piece of paper. You should still treat your partner with the same values.

What is happiness and commitment to you?

To me it would be

Faithfulness
Loyalty
Support
Honesty
Helping and meeting eachother half way.
Team work
Communication
Laugher
Sharing.
Intimacy

Life is full of challenges. Marriage ofcourse means something. But it really doesn't change what human beings feel or can offer. Marriage doesn't stop affairs. It doesn't stop fights. It gets boring and unhappy for many. It ends in divorce. People can marry more than once. People's lives are affected by so much stuff that what really matters is if this person I'd commited to you anyway and if he's making you happy. Are you balanced?

Nothing else matters.

I've just got out of an abusive relationship. I'm 33 years old and I have never felt so sad and alone. I would give anything to be loved properly. To have someone to go out places with. Someone to talk to and laugh with. I've just wasted 18 months of my life on someone unwilling to give ne a real relationship.

He swore at me. He kicked me out. He took advantage and took me for granted. He was dishonest. In touch with an ex.

Believe me you are lucky if you are happy.

You are quite simply partners.

Life partners. Just the same as married folk. Except you have full control of your finances.

Is your daughter your only child and does he have children?

It's often mentioned on here that men are the main benefactor of marriage which I understand but they usually aren't when it comes to divorce. I can understand why he's reluctant given he seems to bring all the assets to the relationship

Thank you for comments. I have tried thinking of life partners, but can’t get my head around it. We are not next of kin, wouldn’t be able to arrange his funeral. I hate the idea I would have to wait to be invited, rather than do the inviting. Silly things maybe but they are important to me, and I know I can nominate him to do those things but I just have a barrier there.. I don’t want my ‘boyfriend’ to have those roles. He doesn’t have any children. We did try a few years ago however it didn’t happen.
I guess it’s just something I need to try and put out my mind. We generally have a good relationship. When my daughter finishes school I will save for my own house that I can live in if he dies before me.
Financially though and maybe it’s the wrong way to look at it, but I contribute to the house, we moved in together. Yes the mortgage is in his name and he contributed the deposit. But it’s gone up a lot in value and I have contributed to looking after it. But then I guess it’s the same as renting, if the house went up in value the tenant would never see that. His elderly mum lives with us and I am her carer. I have and am fully invested in this relationship. But then he is too, he is absolutely awesome with my daughter and my older adult child that doesn’t live with us.
Talking about divorce though, I have offered to sign a pre-nup just in case. He doesn’t believe they work though.
It sounds silly but it’s this idea that by getting married you become family.
I guess I romanticise the idea of being married when I need to accept what we are.

If marriage is the only acceptable solution to this, and he won't marry, then there is no solution.

The question is, is this a deal breaker for you?

OP
I'm in a similar situation as you, though a more turbulent relationship.
I've given myself a deadline in my head - in case the relationship becomes less turbulent (if it doesn't that's its own answer) - if things don't change then it's because he doesn't care enough to make me happy. In which case I will leave, to try to make myself happy.
Fortunately I have a life adventure that could make me happy alternatively.

Have you done anything, other than move in together? I mean things like, write wills that include each other. I would look at the legal stuff that marriage gives you a short cut to, and see which bits I felt were important enough to get covered, like life insurance, and so on. If he dies intestate (or with an old will,) you could be totally screwed, and any of us could be knocked down by a bus tomorrow.

He's got it made , a live in carer for his mum.
Do you work ? Not being rude , you're old to start saving and getting a first mortgage.
Has he made any provision for you if he dies first ?

You're paying towards his mortgage and looking after his mum 😲. He's got a great deal hasn't he.

This man is 16 years older than you and holds all the cards in your relationship. You have hardly any power and control within this relationship and that is very concerning. Your boundaries, already skewed here by previous abuse in both your childhood and relationships, are being further messed with by this man now. He likely feels he has been honest with you from a year in he does not want to get married. You also accepted this from him at the time, wrongly in my opinion if marriage was and remains important to you. You will not be able to change his mind and the developing wedge between you will further widen. If you still want marriage it will not be to him and he does not care enough to make this happen for you. Your choices re him are stay or leave. Is this indeed a deal breaker for you?.

In the event he has not made a will my concern is what happens to you and your DD if he dies intestate. You as his unmarried partner could not open Letters of Administration for his estate nor choose his headstone. You could also become dependent on his parents or his siblings goodwill; they could well put your DD and you out of the house you reside in. Are you named as his beneficiary on his pension or life insurance?. All this and more besides needs to be looked at now by both of you.

Re your comment:
"When my daughter finishes school I will save for my own house that I can live in if he dies before me".

How is that going to happen at all?. Are you in employment now?. How old will you be by then?. How many years will it be also until your DD finishes school?.

I think a chat with a Solicitor about Pre nups (not usually binding in the UK) and your legal position would be very helpful to you because as it stands you are very vulnerable indeed. Basically what is his is his and what is yours is yours. You are not named on the mortgage (why is that?) and it may be that this is the case because your man does not want to share anything more of his own with you. Contributing to the upkeep of his house as you have done is just that and no more than this. The law sees you and he as two people who are unrelated to each other living together and you will be treated as such by him.

And how did you end up also being his mother's carer in his house?. He indeed has his nest well feathered here and at your overall expense.

What do you yourself get out of this relationship?. What needs of your own is he meeting here?.

Do you have a job?
How did you end up becoming his mother's carer? Are you paid for this?

It's clear he doesn't want to marry because he is concerned about losing assets in a divorce. But he's actually taking the piss - you are contributing towards the upkeep of the house. (How much are you paying per month?) And you are caring for his mother. But if he died or if he decided to end the relationship you'd be up shit creek.

There's much more to this than defining this as life partners or whatever.

You are in a committed relationship as partners, that much is clear, though I agree with PP that you would be wise to discuss wills and what roles you expect to have towards each other in extreme illness or after death.
"Casual" relationships are those where there is no commitment to the future so you definitely wouldn't be cohabiting in a casual relationship. In a casual relationship you don't make plans for the future because you have no expectation that you'll be together in the future. It might happen might not. Typically, in a casual relationship, you could both see other people because it's "no commitment". I think it's crystal clear that you are not in a "casual" relationship. And many couples who cohabit as partners are not married; they usually just refer to each other as "partners".
It doesn't sound like it's the terminology that's really bothering th here though.
If your partner is opposed to marriage on principle, could you maybe list what things bother you and then ask him how the pair of you can address these issues?

Thank you for all comments. I will try and answer all the questions. Yes I work full time, B6 NHS. He has made me the beneficiary for his death in service and pension - neither of which would be enough to purchase a property though, but would be a good deposit. He does not have a will. We have had lots of arguments about it, not as I want to benefit, just because it is ridiculous and he needs to make sure his money goes where he wants it too not potentially leave it for his 96 year old Mum to sort out. However he puts off doing a will as ‘doesn’t like thinking about death’. His life insurance goes to next of kin to pay off the mortgage.
one of my biggest worries is that he could die at anytime and we would be homeless.
I need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker.
his mum ended up moving in with us as she had a fall and we tried to get carers in but nowhere had capacity unless she got out of bed at 10am and went back to bed at 6pm. But yes, the reality is him and his siblings will get an inheritance as she came to live with us rather than going into a home.
but then in all fairness I do have some benefit financially as the bulk of my money goes on school fees, rather than rent and paying bills on my own.
if I were to die, my partner wants my daughter to stay and would use my life insurance to continue her school fees.

Has he got family other than mom. He could do an interest in possession for her to protect her in unlikely event she survives him.

At 56 he is relatively young. I would say around 65 retirement I'd want to look at a will

At 56 he is relatively young. I would say around 65 retirement I'd want to look at a will

Neither of my parents made it past 62. It's never too young to make a will.

His life insurance goes to next of kin to pay off the mortgage
one of my biggest worries is that he could die at anytime and we would be homeless

I think this is what you should focus on, rather than on trying to find a label for the relationship or trying to persuade him to marry you as it doesn't look as if he is going to.
Try to have a discussion with it about him - say you don't want this to descend into an argument BUT you do need to discuss what happens in the event of his sudden death because you are concerned that you could end up homeless.

If he doesn't want to discuss this, or escalates it into an argument I would suggest you come up with a plan B to protect yourself. Can you move out into a small place of your own (rather than paying into his and not seeing benefit from it). I think it's got to the stage now where you absolutely have to have security and if he is not prepared to offer this by marrying you or by putting something in place in the event of his death, then you should leave and ensure your own security.
(And I'll probably get screamed at by some Mumsnetters now claiming that I'm suggesting women can simply rely on a man to provide for their needs - that's not what I'm suggesting at all. If a couple are in a LTR with each other and live together then they are a partnership and should be behaving like that, and not two completely separate entities one of whom contributes to the household and acts a carer for the other one's parent while the other merrily continues saving and makes no provision for the other)

At 56 he is relatively young. I would say around 65 retirement I'd want to look at a will

Never too young. I made my first will at 25 and updated it two years ago at 43.
Anybody could die at any moment - in an accident, a sudden heart attack or stroke etc.
If you have people relying on you, then you should make one. Everyone with kids should have one, what happens if you die before the children are 18? No one wants to talk about or think about their own demise but it's important. My solicitor said to me, "It's good you've done this now. And now you don't have to think about it again unless your circumstances change"
Writing a will is dealt with in a few hours.