He's been in therapy for 8 months....

[fortysome8]

I left H last year due to him basically not treating me well. I was walking on egg shells all of the time and I was drowning. He didn't see it coming but when I tried to open up to him, he wasn't interested and the next day I was gone and I still haven't returned and don't plan too.

The first 3 months after I left was hell. He was absolutely lost and was doing everything to get me back but all in the wrong way. He pushed me further and further away. He then ended up having a fling with another woman and I end no contact for 2 months.

We do have a DS together and eventually I felt ready to contact him again not knowing what to expect. However what I did find shocked me. He started therapy, got himself on medication from the gp and ended the fling with the woman.

Ever since I've seen a complete change in him. 8 months on hes still in therapy. Typical case of childhood trauma and he did lose a parent to suicide.

Now I don't know what to do, I have been speaking to him more, we've had the odd family day out and a few coffee dates. He has been excellent in some ways which sadly are probably pretty standard but I'm just not used to it. But for the last 8 months he seems to have made and continue to make a huge effort to make amends without pressuring me to come home. He takes full responsibility for why I left and his actions afterwards.

He wants us to be a family again in our own time and swears it would be different. I heard this constantly for 3 months when I left him but at that point, there was absolutely no change. Now there is....or seems to be.

I also have the fling to deal with. I know I left him but it hurts so very much.

Like I said, I don't plan on going back. Nor do I plan on him moving in. I have my own house now. I just really thought if this we're all on 'act' then he would do caved by now.

I feel it's genuine and I'm happy yet scared! My plan is to carry on as we are for as long as possible and see if he continues to be serious? Make him probe himself?

Or shall I just run? I can't help but feel very proud of him also.

I would strongly suggest marriage counselling, both of you together, before any changes are made.

Yes he's got his shit together, but you still need him to hear why you left.

Personally I found couples counselling very helpful for exactly that.

Good luck x

Yup, counselling together even if it's for moving forward apart

There's no rush ,is there? You don't have to decide now. See how things pan out naturally and yes I agree with PP about marriage counseling.

Yes I forgot to add that I have told him I want marriage counselling and he agrees.

Right now we are actually both in individual counselling so we have to wait until we finish are own counselling before going to marriage counselling which is advised by my therapist.

I didn't even mention myself and that I'm on therapy too - that's been my issue in this. Putting everyone else above myself and he just took complete advantage of that.

After all the counselling, you don't have to move in together, see how it goes in separate houses at first then progression living together in the future if you want to.

Keep all your options open- don't decide anything, or tie yourself into anything.

Firstly to give your DC stability and not to give them false hopes of a reunion.

Secondly because I don't think he sounds great tbh and you could do a lot better.

I think it's just taken me by surprise as I never thought I'd be in this situation. I wanted him to get help for so long - there's absolutely no way you can go through what he has and it not affect your life. But saying that, I'm not making excuses for him either.

There's just part of me creeping in saying I need to give him a chance now we're at this point. It's just a shame that I had to leave and he had to sleep with someone else to get here....that's the part I just don't know if I can live with

So he made no effort to change for years when it was only you being hurt by it? But then did as soon as he stood to benefit?

If you take him back, he doesn't have to make an effort every few days anymore.

I get what you're saying 100% and that's just something I have to accept. Wether we try again or not. I just try look at it at how far I've come also. So regardless of his changes after I've left, my changes I've made to myself are far more important

If you trusted him, you wouldn't be posting here. Don't even try to have a relationship with someone who has hurt you, who you don't trust.

There's just part of me creeping in saying I need to give him a chance now we're at this point.

Why now, though? There is no rush. It's all about what he wants here, not what you want.

You keep doing your counselling. He keeps doing his. You might both decide you want something else. But if, after therapy and couples counselling and consistent behaviour change from him you want to dip a toe in then you can do that.

As PP said, do not rush into moving back in together - that would not be fair on Dc.