Ask him to stay or let him go? Help

[Thisisnothowitwasmeanttogo]

I’m not sure where to start with this. My husband is autistic, he has self diagnosed in the past couple of years.

I am not and our son (9) is not either. We got together in our early twenties and are now late thirties (me) and early forties (him).

My husband has been struggling with anxiety and it is getting worse. He needs solitude, calm, time, to process or his anxiety builds up and is unmanageable
for him and is very bad for his mental health. The reality of being a parent, the way life revolves around our boy’s routine, the constant on-the-go nature of life right now is very stressful and hard for him to manage.

Our marriage hadn’t been very much like a marriage for a few years, without much love and kisses and we rarely have sex these days.

We moved to my home country five months ago, I have friends here but no family here anymore.

He told me today that he would like for him to move back to the Uk and spend time alone, work on his art and either he’ll visit us or we’ll visit him. We talked it through and started planning to make this happen.

I’m in two minds, on one hand I want him to go if he can’t cope here, it’s not fair to force him to remain in a situation that is making him feel so anxious and depressed. But in the other hand I’m terrified, I don’t want to be without him. I don’t want to be my son’s only parent here. I’m so sad that this is how my life is turning out.

If I asked him to stay and showed him how scared I am I think he would stay but that‘s not fair on him. But moving here has been something I’ve wanted to do for years and I have a really good job and my son has settled well.

We sold everything to leave the Uk and come here, we can’t even return to our old lives. I’m so scared and so sad.

Can anyone offer any thoughts, advice, help on what to do? I’m in such a state.

Also worth adding, there is no other woman, he barely has head space for me and my son and all of his personal worries and anxiety, there’s no room for another woman.

Let him go. Going home will help his MH.
You don’t love him, so having him stay will be using him.

Let him go- but end the marriage. It isn’t fair on either of you sadly. In cases of difficult times in a relationship i always think is this a can’t or a wont- if someone won’t change then that tells you what they think you’re worth. If they can’t tell you, then you need to know your own worth and decide if this is the life you want. He can’t change his autism but he could get help with his anxiety if it’s new… and learn coping mechanisms etc. But it might not be enough if his autism is causing it all. Are you going to hang about to check? That’s up to you. But i can guarantee you will be fine on your own as a single mum with a job and friends, you will make your own life together with your son. 💪💪

He is leaving to work on his art? Is he going to work?

Honestly, I would let him go/ I suspect your life will be a lot easier once he does.

Sounds like he self diagnosed so he could opt out of parenting.

I am also wondering if he has used this self diagnosis actually as further a means of completely opting out of family life. Let him go and end the marriage.

Coming from a point of actual diagnosis, to quote DS (diagnosed) in a rough translation:
"Self diagnosis without going on to official diagnosis very often is only an exercise in attention seeking, navel-gazing and opting out of the unfun and boring stuff."

Thank you, I wrote that in the early hours of the morning (here) unable to sleep and panicking. I really appreciate the responses.

@KangarooKenny i do love him. And I know he loves me. But he doesn’t show love, he isn’t physically affectionate and I think that eats away at a person after a while.

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @Andromachehadabadday The point about choosing to opt out is not true yet though, he does all the school runs, he cooks dinner most nights and does bedtimes two nights a week. I suppose going back to the Uk is opting out but he hasn’t done that so far.

maybe this is just something he needs for now?

but then I didn’t imagine living and being married to someone who can’t show affection or doesn’t need affection

@Andromachehadabadday yes he will work on his art, he’s very talented, but needs space and peace to be effective.
I genuinely believe he’ll make money from it in the future but he hasn’t so far. I have a good job and we have savings in the Uk as well that can tide him over: he will also get a part time job to sustain him

@Prokupatuscrakedatus weve talked about therapy for him and also therapy for us as a couple but we havent actually done anything about it 🤦‍♀️

He may be a product of his own upbringing, that often gives clues in any case.

He doing the school run along with cooking dinner and bedtimes two nights a week does not make him father of the year either. All this too are time limited activities so what does he do the rest of the time?. You do all the rest of it and carry him to boot. What is the point of you and he being together at all?. What are you getting out of this?.

Many artists struggle and few can make a long term career out of it. He has not done so to date and likely will not either draining your savings in the meantime. And if he was that serious about his art why did he apparently agree to move abroad?. I would also not rely on his self diagnosis to be at all a correct one.

Why do you think that has happened re not booking any therapy sessions?. It may well be because he is not that bothered about the relationship and just wants to return to the UK.

So he doesn’t work? Apart from his art?

and you work? And you are going to finance this move?

when I say opt out, I don’t mean completely. I mean telling you, he has to have solitude because he is autistic and has to have it as and when he wants it.

and moving away, he is opting out completely. I can believe you are going finance this.

Perhaps he just wants to go back to the UK.

My friend was in this marriage. They even had a move trying to improve things.

Sadly it didn't work and they are now divorcing. Pre kids, his needs regarding his autism were fine for her as well. When their kids were babies he could cope with the physical acts of parenting fine. As the kids reached 9/10 he started to really struggle to parent and be the emotional partner my friend needed.

Tbh, I'd let him go and end the marriage. Sad as it is, I think you'll all be happier.

There seems to be a huge amount here about what he wants and what he needs... what about you and your son? What do you want and need?

I'm not trying to make him out to be a horrible person - from what you have said he is obviously struggling - but you do seem to have allowed a situation to have developed where his needs very much take priority.

Let him go. Prioritise yourself and your son. You will be fine.

Surely he was never physically affectionate right form the start of your relationship, so you knew what you were getting in to when you married him?
Was it a case you thought you were prepared to live like that but consequently decided you needed more affection?
I agree if he has not made a success with his art so far he is unlikely to in the future. Good luck with whatever happens.

Let him go. I am in a similar circumstance, but we are apart for different reasons and there is a likely date when DH will move here, if all goes reasonably according to plan. Maybe that would help? How long do you/he think he wants to be in the UK? Could you cope with it being indefinite? I know people who can and are happy with this kind of marriage.

I have a good job and we have savings in the Uk as well that can tide him over: he will also get a part time job to sustain him

So ... he gets to opt out of family life, live abroad from you & DC, spend his time on his hobby pretending he can make money from his art ... while YOU suck it up & allow him to drain your savings paying for his separate household?
When the savings are gone, what then? You take on even more work to continue to fund him, or borrow money to keep paying for him?

All this on the back of a self-diagnosis & a refusal to seek professional help.

No no no no no OP. You are being taken for a ride. If he wants to leave you & his child & live in the UK - HE GETS TO PAY HIS WAY LIKE AN ADULT.
He also needs to find a way to continue paying 50% of his child's costs.

Thank you everyone for your supportive words, I felt much better this morning after reading them. I spoke to my husband this morning and said that I was scared and I needed to know if he wanted to end our marriage. He said he woke up this morning and didn’t want to go, he doesn’t want to leave us or lose us.

we talked a lot (and both cried a lot) and it does seem that this move hasn’t / isn’t working for him. I do understand that as the country were in now is small and feels quite different from the Uk.

I said that I think we should do a couple of years here then move back to the Uk. Putting a time limit on it has helped us both with this. Moving here was my dream but it’s not as idyllic as I thought it would be and I can imagine a happy life back in the Uk too.

I have asked him to get some therapy and for us to try some too.

We’ve talked about ways for him to get time and space here in the short term.

re. The affection thing. I’m sure he used to be more affectionate but I wonder how much of that was me being affectionate and him going along with it. I didn’t know he had autism either so I assumed he liked hugs and holding hands and snuggling etc. it does hurt to think that he didn’t and was just putting up with it for me.

but we do love each other and want to be together.

im going to push the therapy point hard with him, he doesn’t really want to do it, is scared of doing it, but I agree with those of you who have said that he’s not trying hard enough if he doesn’t try to get help to manage his condition.

Thank you all so much for your support when I was panicking, I really appreciate it

I'd be packing up his "art" and the rest of his shit in bin bags, and then I would escort him through the door. How lovely for him that he can choose not to be a father and a husband because it doesn't suit him.

Get a divorce and move on. You've wasted enough time and emotional energy already.

Even if he doesn’t feel like he needs to show love, if you do that should be enough for him to try

if his autism is making like so difficult for him it seems strange to me that it’s only self diagnosed. Is he at least seeking formal diagnosis

is leaving his first solution to the problem? Or has he sought therapy or anything else

im not sure how you’re worrying about what’s fair to him, when his solution is for you to not have a husband, and your DS to have no father, but just someone that does some art and pops over to see you when he feels like it every few months.

id have no time for this, Let him go, he’s wasting your time.

I am glad you feel happy with the outcome so far. But since you refuse to confirm wether he works. I would guess he doesn’t.

He is currently the sahp. You child goes to school and you work so he has time to himself everyday. Doing the school runs and cooking is a usual part of a sahp job. Especially when their kids are older and don’t need hands parenting every moment and you get a good potion of the day to yourself.

Everything seems ventured around him and getting him more of what he wants based on this self diagnosis. A marriage can’t be only about meeting one persons needs. That just leads to misery.

We’ve talked about ways for him to get time and space here in the short term.

Jeeze. You have a VERY dysfunctional marriage.
He doesn't even work, he won't even seek a formal diagnosis for his oddly convenient condition, yet you are both weeping about finding him even MORE "time & space"?

Surprise us all OP - in your tearful discussions of his problems, did he once reference YOUR need for time & space?

Did you?

I think you are so worn out & ground down by being your H's emotional & financial crutch that you have forgotten that marriage is meant to be a two-way street. Meanwhile - he is rinsing you. Everything is ALL ABOUT HIM & how he is so special he can't possibly be expected to earn a living, or parent his child, or ... well what DOES he do all day?

My husband is autistic, he has self diagnosed

That can mean people are right and proceed to an official diagnosis, but it doesn't have much validity on its own.

He could just have depression and anxiety or something.

Either way @Thisisnothowitwasmeanttogo , he needs to see a consultant and get his MH problems treated rather than letting them mean he can treat you any which way. Even if they decide he's autistic, they can still do stuff for his anxiety etc.

Apologies @Andromachehadabadday i thought I had said, he doesn’t work at the moment, he worked in the Uk but until very recently he hasn’t had permission to work in my country ( needed various government permissions as a non - local) he had those now so he is applying for jobs. But I have a big job so him being able to do school drop off and pick up has been a big advantage while we’ve been settling in.

Yeah, I have a big job. Someone to do those things helps. But when you have a big job, you have a lot of money. I did it as a single parent. You would be able to, as well.