I'm posting here mainly as there are a variety of relationship and other issues contributing to this.
I always wanted to be a mum, I love being a mum and I love my children dearly. Everything I do/have done is for them. But, I've only ever had one night away from them at a timr and my eldest is now 8!
She is currently going through an autism diagnosis- although many of the other symptoms are mild, she has tics which are quite difficult to live with. She's is often habit coughing or sniffing, or repeating a line from a film over and over again. The line she repeats can go on for days or weeks before she loves on to a different one. Watching TV together, or doing a craft or playing a game just feels completely unenjoyable. I feel quietly irritated and can't relax the whole time we're at home together. She doesn't do this when we're outside exploring so try to take the children out as much as possible, but the younger one- who is 3, wants picking up all the time so we can never walk far. The younger one has allergies so I have to deal with that on a day to day basis and the constant worry that he'll eat something he shouldn't. He's been ill constantly for the last few weeks- croop, sickness bug and now an ear infection. It never ends.
My husband and I haven't had an intimate relationship since he was born and we sleep separately and pretty much exist as housemates. He has recently received a diagnosis of autism (type formerly known as Aspergers). And although I'm desperate for a long break-( I think I need a few days to recover from the parenting roller coaster of the last few years) I am concerned to leave the children with him for long periods.
He struggles with empathy and picking up on subtle cues, has very little danger awareness, doesn't notice if they're ill, will give allergy foods mindlessly without checking packaging because a certain brand was once ok, he thinks they're all ok etc. He's completely unreliable and a concern.
He cared for our little one for 3 hours last week when he was poorly as I'd promised DD I'd take her out just the two of us.When I returned, he had v high temperature and DH hadn't even noticed or checked his temperature the whole time, despite his flushed cheeks and vacant behaviour. He was sitting with a thick duvet over him and easily would have cooled down if DH had thought to have taken it off him! He was then sick due to his high temperature and became more unwell as I couldn't get any fluids down him.
It just wasn't worth me going out.
But I'm exhausted and fed up and in need of a proper break! I know I need to leave the children for a few days because parenting has really draining me. Also, a husband with autism is causing me and has caused me a lot of distress over the years. I am planning to leave him eventually. My parents are unreliable alcoholics so absolutely no chance of any help there.
How can I feel better about parenting? I want to enjoy my children again. But honestly, I'm not enjoying much at all at the moment. It feels heavy.
Any ideas?