Is being overweight and dating difficult?

[Iheartcolacubes]

Are people as focused on looks dating in middle age as they are when young?

I have been vaguely considering dating after a long time and I am overweight. I don't worry about it so much day to day, if anything I like the anonymity of not being fanciable.

I don't judge other people on weight, people can look lovely regardless. But I know dating is different and unlike friendships people are generally attracted based on looks.

I suppose it's motivation to try lose weight.

I suppose it depends what dating apps/sites you're on, some will focus on looks more than others.

But there is the perfect man out there for you at whatever weight you are so just be yourself and have fun!

I split up and divorced my dh of 17 years, about 4 years ago (my whole adult life basically). I have 3 dc and am horribly overweight, BMI about 37. On top of this I have mobility problems and defective collegen meaning my skin doesn't snap back, my skin tears easily and I scar, bruise and stretch mark like a MF. I started dating online and got a decent amount only offers, have now been in a relationship for 3 years. The only thing holding you back is you, just go for it, have fun!

It's been a problem for me (I'm morbidly obese) but I did find find someone. Unfortunately he had been on an 8 stone weight loss journey prior to us meeting, and it all went back on as soon as we started going out. He wasn't small when I met him, he was still about five stone too heavy.

It's meant we have no sex life (though something else has contributed to his lack of drive) and I'm not really sure why we are together.

There's a lot I could or should say to make things more easily understood about our relationship but I'm two days out of major surgery and typing hurts.

There's plenty of folks out there who don't care about weight or looks. For me it's a logistical thing; we cannot physically have a sexual relationship because of my disabilities affecting what positions I can do, and his weight and bulk meaning I get suffocated and nauseous! 🤦

I have seen dating ads where men specify the maximum weight for women. They think they are justified to do it as so many women set a minimum height for men, a height that is above UK average.

I'm not sure about dating apps, was thinking generally. Sounds like it hasn't held people back.
(Although the health things sound difficult@GeraltsLeftPec )
The idea of specifying a minimum height, or minimum/maximum anything is odd to me but seems its a thing for some people.

I didn't have any problems at all when I used online dating while I was overweight. I'm pretty huge now and I don't think I could put myself through it if I was single as I feel awful about myself.

My DP is about 5 stones lighter than I am and he truly doesn't seem to notice my weight. He has his own reasons for thinking no one would want to date him but his hang-ups were of no consequence to me, just as mine weren't to him.

@PissedOffNeighbour22
"his hang-ups were of no consequence to me, just as mine weren't to him." This stood out to me. We can be accepting of others imperfections but so harsh on ourselves.

I started dating at 55, three years after the end of my 30 year marriage. At the time I was 17 stone (5’8”). Seriously, I lost nearly 2 stone over the next year because of all the sex I was having! It really didn’t hold me back. And men who had a maximum weight or dress size or age in their profiles made it easy for me - I could swipe left on them, knowing their closed way of thinking made them a poor match.

My now-partner of 3 years delights in my body in a way that I never thought possible. He has a big tummy and is warm and cuddly and incredibly affectionate in a way that my slim, conventionally good-looking XH never was.

Don't let yourself hold yourself back OP. Go for it!

I'm always happy when they do this though, it quickly and easily tells me that they're not for me and I don't waste my time.
For the same reason I always post a few full-body pictures that make my size clear. People can then choose to stay away if my size is a problem.

..........................................,

I’m nearly 15 stone and dating online. I’ve had some men praise me for being ‘curvy’. On the flip side I’ve also had a few tell me I am now their type or offer me lots of unsolicited advice about weight loss. It’s really hit and miss. Depends who you talk to.. but my advice is to play it with absolute confidence, love yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel less worthy then you are.

There are many downsides to OLD but one of the good things is that you can and will find someone whatever your attributes and requirements. And it’s all blatant, some people only date a certain size, a certain race, height etc but there is certainly someone for everyone OL (not saying you will meet anyone great btw as that’s the hard bit).

Dating is difficult. I’m not overweight - quite the opposite, and have found dating utterly shit. When I’m out and about, I see so many different types of couples looking happy. It isn’t a function of weight or looks.

offer me lots of unsolicited advice about weight loss. How annoying!

@Milomonster what was awful about dating?

@Iheartcolacubes men in their 40s on OLD are, in general, pretty shit. Mostly emotionally unavailable or way too intense. I haven’t found anyone who can conduct themselves normally. There is a very interesting thread currently running on men in their 40s. It’s worth a read if this is your target demographic.

I think looks are important in terms of the amount of interest you will generate; and obviously the more interest you get, the more options you have. But i think the level of interest its far less about weight alone than about overall attractiveness. You can be overweight and very good looking or slim and very plain. But undoubtedly good looking people have more interest.

I'm doing far better with OLD at 49 than in my early 30s. I don't wear make-up or dye my hair, and I've spent much of my life being invisible. Weight seems to be less important than when I was younger, and the ones who are bothered by it can just swipe left. Middle-aged men can be more grateful they're getting sex at all, and that they don't have ED, though they all seem keen to point out they're not 18 any more...

Just be honest about your size and don’t try to hide it I think that’s where the problem lies, my sister is very slim and when she was doing OLD she said men would always tell her how refreshing it was to see a slim woman as far too many women would hide how big they are and then they would get a surprise when they met up with them to see they was very overweight.
so just be upfront and honest.

There's no hive mind. If you happen to crop up on someone who likes you the way you are, you're sorted, same as anybody else. If you're focussed enough on being overweight to post a thread about it though, it might be that your focus on being overweight could be an issue. Confidence is attractive universally.

I'm not overweight at the moment but of course being overweight is not seen as conventionally attractive unfortunately.

The less conventionally attractive a person is at any age, the less romantic interest they'll get from most people (who like what's conventionally attractive, rather than being into something a bit different.)

They are justified to do it. We can all want whatever we want to want, there's no rules. These men do potential dates a favour by ruling people out, so nobody wastes their time.

Dating is horrid. I'm 45 a size 16 and I feel like its more of an interview.
All loads of questions that could wait until a date but you get bombarded then when you exchange numbers all they want is pictures , so they can "see what your really like". It's soul destroying and after 2 years of being ghosted and used for sex I'm done and deleted them all for now. I'm a strong confident couldn't give a fuck what people think type of person. Dating has left me a shell of my former self. I'm neither over weight and am fairly attractive I think but honestly op I hope you have a thick skin for it because you will need it.

Yer I was pretty fat with crippling low self esteem when I was last on a dating app, but I got plenty of decent messages and dated a fair bit. I never replied to messages that didn't at least have a bit of effort to them. So no reply to "hello", "how are you" etc kind of messages. Anything smart or clever always got a reply even if they weren't someone I'd normally go for. It's a numbers game, don't waste your time on 95% of the really rubbish messages, the desperate feel sorry for me messages or smutty ones. Spend time on your profile, mines was funny with honest but nice photos. Change your profile slightly every couple of weeks so it gets boosted to the top of the pile. Meet sooner rather than later, don't waste time messaging for weeks on end. If it's in the slightest bit efforty, dramery- move onto the next guy. I used to swipe yes on every single profile and like to meet without reading the profile and then just read the messages in reply if we matched. Possibly not ethically the best way but as I said it was a numbers game and it definitely works. I met my OH offline but I had one relationship from OD and he was pretty great.

It feels a bit of a bind to acknowledge on one hand many men will specifically filter out by size/weight (to the extent people feel it's important to be upfront), yet.... we should be confident regardless because confidence is attractive. I don't think being self conscious of weight is an internal issue only.

But I guess either I deal with my self esteem/image or weight (or both).

Sorry@Inthesameboatatmo that you have had such a bad time dating.
Online dating sounds tough regardless of appearance.

It's a minefield op. Just be very aware and take it all with a pinch of salt. Although that is hard to do sometimes. Good luck .