I think im gas lighting/narcissistic

[Grumpyhusband1]

Title says it all.
Having read several threads on here I think I do this. Im also aware my partner isnt happy with my behaviour and complains to our eldest about it. Im always grumpy, shouty and drag her down. We don't have an overly physical or intimate relationship, for the past 5 years.
We never seem to be able to discuss problems or anything. Trying to get a response from my partner feels impossible some times. If I do make a decsion and act on it, it was the wrong decsion to make and I should not of doneit.
So things dont change or don't get done. Neither of us have hobbies or interets, I did have a hobby but it caused too much friction so I stopped. I dont have any friends to talk to about my concerns.
Its just work (self employed-sole earner) or look after the kids/house. Children are 5-16.
I do find partenting hard, but after hearing the complaints about me, would they be happier if i left.

Just split up. It sounds like a bad relationship.

So what are you going to do about it ?

If you genuinely believe you do this, you need to see a psychologist and get some help to stop. It's deeply ingrained and unlikely you can change that kind of pattern on your own.

In the meantime you could try to stop yourself when you spot the pattern - instead of denying what she says, be curious. Why is she saying that? Is there an element of truth to it?

An apology also goes a very long way

This sounds difficult, and a little familiar. Your partner probably doesn’t reply because she’s worried about what response she will receive..
have you tried counselling? My husband has started this and I do notice a difference- many more civil conversations than before, but sometimes he lapses into over reacting/blaming again.
Do you want to change and try and stay in the relationship?

I think the fact that you have come on here shows that you want things to work and that you are prepared to work at your marriage. I also think it is rare for a true narcissist/ gas lighter to be aware of this or to come anywhere near admitting it. (I am not an expert). What kind of things have you said that you have reflected upon and considered to perhaps be gas lighting? Maybe you can discuss them with your partner and ask which things are not acceptable and what approach is a better alternative? Good luck with trying to sort things out and I hope that you can start to make a better life for you and your family.

It is difficult to comment really, without any specifics. Would you be able to give an example?

By the way, the grumpy and shouty behaviour definitely does need to stop.

People who really gaslight and / or are narcissists are unable to see this. They will not acknowledge it or seek to change.

However your relationship is unhappy. You should discuss the situation honestly with your partner, and consider if splitting up would be correct.

Im always grumpy, shouty and drag her down.

Do everyone a favour and leave. You are undoubtedly making them miserable.

Why are you staying in such an unfulfilling relationship ?

And if you read the rest of the post, there's behaviour from OP's partner that is also causing unhappiness.

It's not just one person here

A Narcissist is defined by an over inflated sense of self, they might recognise that they are a narcissist, but they won't recognise it as a problem as it's all about them.

You do sound to be very overwhelmed & unhappy though & you need to ask yourself why & I mean over & above parenting being tough. Where does your sadness, anger & overwhelm come from ? Is it typed to this relationship or does it go further back, or both ? Get to the bottom of that & you will find your way forward, but from what you say here, your current relationship doesn't seem to bring you any joy, & leaves you feeling guilt that you are to blame. That's pretty toxic & not good for anyone

Nothing in your post to suggest narcissism.
Or gaslighting.

Narcissists would never think about being narcissists anyway. Or if they did, they wouldn't give a shit.

Just sounds like you're in a miserable marriage tbh.

It's very hard to tell. You say

We never seem to be able to discuss problems or anything. Trying to get a response from my partner feels impossible some times.

She could be stonewalling you, and in response some people could become shouty or miserable (dragging the other person down).

So it could be mainly you, it could be mainly her, or it could be the 2 of you.

Interesting post. Not all narcissists are always convinced of their superiority. Covert/hidden/vulnerable narcissists can be well aware of feeling inferior and at times hate themselves die to overwhelming feelings of shame, usually a product of childhood invalidation. So to defend against that they defend against shame by doing their utmost to be liked by others as they cannot like themselves. This is narcissistic supply. They must have admirers to avoid feeling awful. They may lie and hurt others to gain admiration.

On some of the better clinical measures of narcissism (not the am I a narc things you see online) I score very highly for some aspects of this. Certainly I feel crushing shame at even slight criticism - not surprising as I know my mother never wanted me (affair baby) and as I wasn't a 'manly' boy my dad was ashamed of me unless I was top of the class.

In my own marriage which I tried to leave I have done things I am very ashamed of to try to feel better about myself. I did in my last marriage which ended in a affair with my current wife.I don't know if I gaslight. My wife says I have said or done things I am certain I didn't. So either I do and genuinely don't recall it, or she does or we both maybe imagine things in our lives. We have been told by one relate counsellor that we abuse each other. I agree with that, my wife doesn't. She says that things like calling me a cunt is just a row and I have done that too. I am sure I haven't but maybe I did.

Discovering these things about myself at my age (50s) has been horrible. I want to change and we are still seeing relate. I wanted to leave but as my wife wants me to stay I cannot hurt her in that way as it seems I have been hurting people all my life. At times I feel as if I don't know myself at all now and it is frightening. I no longer trust my memories or myself around others.

So OP if you read this far is any of this like you. If not I reckon you probably aren't a narcissist. Doesn't mean you aren't grumpy and unkind at times - ask yourself why you do what you do.

Are you empathic?
How are you with other people.

It's good if you have noticed and can acknowledge you have these traits. You possibly need to talk with your wife. Perhaps the relationship has gone stale due to both of you (if you felt you couldn't continue a hobby) which is bound to make you a grump. We all want abit of our own time.

Usually when we are snappy and irritable we are not happy within ourselves. I think you need to do some serious talking. Perhaps see a couples therapist? You sound like you both need yo tweak things.

It's never good to shout. It is not a healthy relationship. I've just separated from a man who had no patience. He was angry alot and its genuinely got me down. It's not a place either of you should stay. We'll done for recognising signs.

Or maybe they're making him miserable? Might even be the OP's partner gaslighting him that's causing it?

Why are you miserable and shouty?
You certainly need to be having an honest conversation with each other. Not sure just walking out leaving is a very grown up way of approaching the problem?

Just read your post again properly. I missed all the part about her criticising your decisions and you stopping your hobby.

What kind of decisions were they?
And what was the hobby and how much time was it taking up?

Start working with a psychotherapist as soon as possible. This behaviour is deeply ingrained and you will need to become super aware of the patterns to be able to tackle it. Be proud that you have become aware of it, most people will never realise they have work to do. Good luck.