Unsure

[HMaPier]

Hi there,
I think I'm just really unsure about the situation I am in. I used too suffer from ill mental health, I've had years of Therapy, now work with and teach vulnerable women in this area after studying hard.
However I am in a relationship with a man and I'm finding it hard to leave because he makes it known I used to have "issues" too.
In our relationship he has cheated on me with his ex when I was severely poorly, I've had a black eye from him but he swears he never meant to do it (1.5yrs ago not physical since) he and his exes (yes both) all together would laugh at how poorly I was, he would show them messages from when he was cheating on me laughing at me. He would come to my house and scream and shout, look through my windows too see who was there. I never went out, but he did, if he thought I was, he would call me calling me a slag the rest of it.
He makes good money and would leave our child and I with nothing as long as he was OK and his other child. I left him and he swore he would change. That was 2yrs ago. In that time I've managed to turn my life around (there was no substance abuse just ill mental health) he hasn't done one thing he said, he's the same. If I don't want intercourse he calls me names and has pushed me for this, will shout and swear at me. And I honestly again feel like I'm going mad! But that's where I'm stuck. Am I looking for things to blame on him or am I scared to leave? My family and friends are amazing, but I lie to them that I even see him! It's horrible. He contributes a small amount for his child as he has another and doesnt like to help with anything out of what the state say he should pay.
He wants us too live together but I won't move yet as I know it's not right. Feel like I'm going crazy again but I know his behaviour isn't right and for our child I should keep away

He is an emotional and physical abuser. Stay away.

Thank you. Yes I did think that, just makes me feel its me and I can't go through that again.
Thank you. Making my decision easier.

Don't live with him. Don't go near him again. Good on you for getting better OP, don't let him ruin that.

Thank you. Staying well needs to be my focus for myself and my child.
I came on here just for some clarity before I "flip him the bird 🖕🏾in a nice way) so thanks again.

What you advise one of the women if they were in this situation?

try to see it from the outside.
of course you should keep away from him, for the sake of your child and also for your mental health. If you stay with him I think there’s a really strong chance you’ll become unwell again x x x x
do what you know you need to do

*what would you advise one of the women you work with

was supposed to be what that said!

Absolutely right!!! That's what I can see happening, me becoming unwell again is guaranteed because I can feel something slipping already.
I would tell the women I work with that the situation they are in is unsafe and that they need to put their own needs first, they need to be taking car eof themselves and their child. That some people are incapable of change, especially a narcissistic person that sees literally no wrong in what they do. Someone with a superiority complex.
🤦🏽‍♀️
Thanks for the support. Yes, I know what to do! Xx

Hello who have you got that you could perhaps lean on. Can you afford a therapist? Have you got a friend that you can rely on or a family member?

You sound like you need someone to massively support you through getting away. You are stuck. It was only emotional for me and we split up a month ago. When I told him I was done. I didn't really want to be done. But in that moment I was walking down the street trying to talk to him. He was still trying to put me in the dog house and he was saying he felt awkward with me. So I just turned around and said do you know what James. I'm done. It's over.

I've struggled this last month. I miss him. I'm in therapy. I have had to keep myself very busy. I am anxious. I'm high and low. But I know that in a years time I'll be so so glad I've got this part done and over with. Staying with him any longer would mean more and more rows. But also staying with him meant constantly feeling afraid he would be talking to someone else. It's no life. No way to live. When you don't TRUST them. You drive yourself mad. You've lost yourself. You've lost yourself in his selfish world where he gets to decide and you don't. You don't get to choose happiness. You don't get to be happy. You get to do as your told and if he's happy you are relieved.

You need to find the support. There's womens aid. Steps to change. Paid therpapists. There are charities for domestic abuse. You need to lean on people and get away. Tell people. I had to tell my family a few weeks back. I rang my mum and my voice went all wobbly and I said I've split up with James. He wasn't actually that nice and alot was going on. It was hard. Hard because it meant I was not only admitting he was horrible but I was also accepting and putting in place a block for never returning. Because you can't go back once everyone knows the truth.

My ex won't see it. He will blame me. It's my fault because I question everything. I kept asking him about women and he'd done nothing wrong. It was me always starting. He is unable to change and he's unable yo commit and he's unable to do a good relationship. The novelty of me soon wore off.

I hope you will find a way to get out now. Trust me people will help you x

Well done to you for getting out of it and staying strong. For knowing its not for you and you deserve better.
Yes, that's what I mean my friends and family are great and they have supported me through everything, my Mum is my rock and has paid for Therapy for many years for me. I know that feeling of once Mum knows, all bets are off!
Just as I've started speaking to him again and spending time with him, I've kept it from them as too how much and that's no way to live. When I am at work, my boss knows my situation and he is an amazing support! Cannot fault, however, I don't tell them everything as keep a line with work and home.
But absolutely thank you. I know what you're saying.
Thanks so much.
The decision is made xx

No, he has an actual really good job and works 11hrs a day for a good company.

OP you know what to do. Stay strong and stay away from him. Best wishes to you and your child. xx

Thank you so very much xx

@HMaPier
Give your head a wobble
I don't even know why you needed to ask this is mental abusive and coercive control
Get rid

A bit rude. But OK.