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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he avoiding ?

18 replies

Mimi198 · 14/05/2022 00:34

Hello!
I met this guy last December. He's a coworker and I slowly realised my interest for him over the past few months. I asked him for a coffee at the end of march. He said yes and the very same day, he invited me at his home and things went à bit too fast! We had a good talk a couple of days later. He said he wanted to take his time as he was hurt in the past. I was perfectly fine with this as I am independant and I like To take my time also. So, for the next few days, I let him his space. Then, he asked me if I wanted to try indoor climbing with him. This is something very important in his life, he goes there 2-3 times a week. I tried it and really like it. For the past month, we went climbing together on a regular basis. For most of the time, it was him who was taking the initiative. Also, he let slip in front of two coworkers that we were seeing eachother outside our job. Last sunday, I went at his flat for diner and he was exausted because of work. It was the first time that we didnt laugh together. He was in the same mood at job the whole week but still the same nice guy with me. Thuesday, I announced him that I was taking a membership card for the indoor climbing. I'm really into it. He looked suprised about it. I suggested two times this week and he said no both times without offering an alternative. So tonight, I send him a message saying "it feel strange To go there alone" wich he replied "Yeah sorry but I used To go alone also". Today, he caught me talking with a new and handsome coworker and I was under the impression that he was looking at us with knives in his eyes. Maybe it's in my head. I didnt reply To his message and don't plan to. What do you think ? How can I act with him on monday ?

OP posts:

Walkingalot · 14/05/2022 01:38

I think he's a bit miffed about you joining what he thought of as 'his place'. Ok, he invited you to join him but he obviously likes it enough to do it on his own but you're now forcing his hand, expecting his company. It's probably put him off doing it and he might resent you, even though he likes you.
On Monday, act normal and don't mention climbing or co-worker. Wait for his next move, if you're still keen? However, it sounds like he could turn out to be the jealous/possessive type but only time will tell.

DatingDinosaur · 14/05/2022 09:40

I don’t see anything wrong with that message? Why haven’t you replied?

If he likes you it would be natural for him to glare daggers when you’re chatting to another male co-worker.

He probably thinks your silence + talking to another man = you’ve lost interest in him.

Original poster

Mimi198 · 14/05/2022 11:47

The 1-2 times I suggested going climbing in the past few weeks, he was busy with other stuff BUT he suggested going the next day or the day after. This week, it is a No, end of the story. Just as I am buying à membership. For his message, I was under the impression that he was saying "I used To go alone and it was fine like that". He didnt offer another date to go climbing. As for our new co-worker, we were talking about job. For the knives in his eyes, it is maybe just an impression. I know for sure that my friend as complex issues with his short size and thin hair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mimi198 · 14/05/2022 13:39

I am struggling between offering another date or staying silent until monday. He didnt contact me....

OP posts:

Confusion101 · 14/05/2022 13:49

Perhaps you shouldve talked to him about potentially getting a membership instead of springing it on him. He said he has been hurt in the past so I imagine this is him putting up a protective wall, if it doesn't work out with you will he also have to find a new hobby. Is climbing a way for him to deal with his own stresses, which is harder to do if you are there. Obviously fantastic you both have a similar interest and have something to do together but at the same time, he might not want to do it every time with you. I don't know why you wouldn't reply. Seems childish and won't achieve anything.

ToletPoster · 14/05/2022 13:57

If it's something that he does 2-3 times a week and he generally does it alone, that's by choice. You've sort of forced his hand by getting a membership.
I would let him know that you just enjoy climbing and you don't expect to do it together constantly (assuming that is the case).
I've been in a similar situation of introducing a partner to a hobby I enjoy whilst definitely not wanting to commit to turning "my time" into "couple time".
The rest of it is neither here nor there.

Original poster

Mimi198 · 14/05/2022 14:10

Okay. Thanks you all for the replies. Maybe it is because I was used to get an invitation each time he planed to go climbing. Maybe he just wants to do it alone a bit and it's me who over analyse things.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 15:19

Tbh I'd probably feel miffed if I was him as climbing was my thing and although I'd invited a new pal a few times it would be weird if they suddenly made it their thing. Especially if I was sleeping with this pal...I mean, that would make things mega awkward if you had to stop seeing eachother in that way.

I think a guy might also think that was your intention too. To monopolise his space in order to make it more off putting for him to stop dating you. He might even think you were trying to make him jealous by talking to the handsome Co worker in front of him.

I think the best thing you can do is keep things breezy moving forwards. I would also text him something like 'just thinking, I hope it wasn't wrong of me to get myself a membership to your rock climbing place. It's just really fun. I wouldn't want you to feel i was monopolising your hobby or anything xD'

Also it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship anyway. That whole 'need to take things slow' after already sleeping with you is garbage. It just means he doesn't want a relationship. My guess would be he didn't just want to pan you completely as he works with you so thought he would try turn it into a mates thing and then phase you out if need be (of I he determined the occasional leg over wouldn't be happening) but now you've sorta...dug in...by joining his gym.

Aprilx · 14/05/2022 19:15

I would actually be alarmed if a man joined my established club after we had had one or two dates, I think that was really full on and wonder if I had a stalker in the making. And not only did you do that but you then texted about him not being there, I think his response was very reasonable in the circumstances.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong and I don’t know if he is concerned about you joining his club. I’d probably just see how things go from here.

ElCoh · 14/05/2022 20:26

Aprilx · 14/05/2022 19:15

I don’t think he has done anything wrong and I don’t know if he is concerned about you joining his club. I’d probably just see how things go from here.

Right! If this was reversed it would be such a different thread.

elle1005 · 14/05/2022 22:49

I'd also say that he is probably stressed from work as well if he's been in a bad mood all week at work.

I've had this with men before where they just get overwhelmed with work stress and can't seem to function normally outside of that. Just step back a touch and I'm sure he'll be back to his old self in no time.

Dad808 · 15/05/2022 01:25

Getting a membership to his hobby is a big mistake. It sounds like things won't go anywhere.

Strawberrydelight55 · 15/05/2022 07:36

If you've been a few times and enjoyed it and said ooo I think I'm gunna join I don't see an issue. But it's very common for stuff to fizzle out.

My most recent boyfriend has extreme mood swings. He'd dip down really difficult. Really depressed. But then he'd be quite charming and lovely. We all gave our bad days or stressed days.

I would personally not play any sort of games. Pull back..leave it. Let him come to you. I know it's hard. Keep yourself busy elsewhere and if he wants you he knows where you are. But to be honest you shouldn't be feeling like this already. Signs of him being a grumpy unpredictable man!

girlmom21 · 15/05/2022 07:42

I agree that it's the membership that's an issue. It was his thing that he wanted to involve you in. You getting a membership means he can't go to work or his hobby without worrying about bumping into you if things don't work out.

You should've spoken to him first and said you'd like to get a membership but would he prefer if you found a different club.

Mrsteapot42 · 15/05/2022 07:43

Don't shag work colleagues is my advice. Because when it all goes wrong, you still need to face them on Monday.

It sounds like he just sees you as an occasional shag and doesn't want a relationship. He has taken you joining his gym as trying to be his girlfriend.

I would get used to going climbing on your own and just avoid him everywhere.

Original poster

Mimi198 · 15/05/2022 14:56

For the membership, it's because it was getting expensive to pay each time. He texted me this morning. He wanted me to wait for him to go climbing. We had a great time!

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 15/05/2022 15:05

Today, he caught me talking with a new and handsome coworker and I was under the impression that he was looking at us with knives in his eyes. Maybe it's in my head. I didnt reply To his message and don't plan to. What do you think ? How can I act with him on monday ?

Maybe if you stopped using your workplace as a dating site, or at the very least, stop shagging colleagues by accidentally "going too far" on a first date, you could avoid all this nonsense in future OP?

Although well done on the "with knives in his eyes." Nice creative touch there - a little shark-jumpy this early in, but an arresting image nonetheless.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/05/2022 15:12

I know for sure that my friend as complex issues with his short size and thin hair.
😂😂😂
Your "friend" being the colleague you've shagged, I take it?

It's a quandary, innit. Stuck with the choice between a man with knives in his eyes & a complex about his hair & height, or a handsome newcomer who has ... gasp! - been "caught talking to" you!
What's a girl to do?!

(Hint - your job. Stop treating male colleagues as sex objects.)

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