Financially dependent on partner & living abroad now - overwhelmed with anxiety & lost confidence

[lillyblooms]

Hi all.

I'm 24, I have moved overseas with my partner for his work and I am currently unemployed as my partner is successful and basically in other words, he can support us both very easily and my work wouldn't allow me to work remote (plus contract was coming to an end). I have always wanted to move abroad so the way I am feeling is super shocking to me!

We are living in a country that doesn't speak English which is a huge cultural shock, I have also always worked since I was 16 coming from a poor background and this is my first time living with someone.

Since we have moved, I have felt INSANE anxiety. I am constantly worried about what could go wrong, what happens if we break up tomorrow, I am constantly thinking about things I could have possibly did wrong that could break us up, you name it.

I'm a major people pleaser, even for example if I put a photo on social media and a guy replies to it, I am panicking thinking I am doing something wrong and it is just plaguing my life at the minute. I have even deleted my social media accounts and made new ones to "start afresh" so I don't have anyone I knew when I was single to avoid any conflict.

This is NOTHING to do with my partner, my partner is very carefree, loves when I'm confident and couldn't care less about social media and treats me well, but for some reason this lack of control is making me absolutely bonkers as I have always been on my own and had to essentially be my own parent.

Has anyone been through similar?

Get a job
it will keep you busy with less time to over think

It's always difficult moving to a new country especially where you are unable to speak the language. Have you been able to meet any other expats or go to any expat meetings or is it not that kind of place?

@RitaFaircloughsWig It's not that kind of place to be honest - I am 24 & DP is 26. Most people who live here are around 35-50 I would say, so it's a bit of a different crowd!

Get a job and learn the language.

You’re panicking because you’ve been independent since you were 16 and now you’ve made yourself dependent.

actually, it’s not panic - it’s sensible. You are vulnerable and you need to deal with that. You’re not on holiday in some all- inclusive resort where you can speak English. You need to decide whether you’re doing this for YOU or because you’ve got some dewy-eyes idea of troo lerve.

Your subconscious is suggesting you need to get serious and grow up and take responsibility for yourself. learn the language - that will ground you. And get a job - make your own world. L

I married when i was 24 and move to england. Its very hard. 10 years later i still miss home. No where better than home. But it gets easier. Friends make it easier. Try to find new friends. If language is hard try to get course. Keep your day busy its really important or have babies!! My life change after i have my kids. It gets easier with kids around.

‘Have babies!’ with a boyfriend who she’s dependent upon, unemployed, unable to communicate with people in the country and with zero legal protections. What shite advice 😄

You are not married

Move back to your home country & get a job

If you stay together in a relationship, you can meet up in each others countries or go on holiday together

What are women's right like in this country?. Can you get a job so you are not entirely financially dependent on him?. Have you looked at evening classes to learn the language?.

Your people pleasing behaviour likely started from childhood in wanting to parent please a difficult or emotionally absent parent. Please look at getting therapy for this if you have not already because it is causing you emotional problems. People pleasers in any case often struggle with anxiety.

Learn the language, get a job even if online, speak to 1 new person a day even if just to say hi, but most importantly at your age, use triple contraception.

If you don't absolutely love the place in 6 months' time having done all of the above, then go home.

You are far far too young to be living life through a partner. You need a life of your own. Move back home

Get a job and build a life of your own. Don't have children until then!

Agree you are too young to have given up financial independence to move with no opportunity lined up. What is the work situation? Do you need a visa to do so, are there opportunities for non native language speakers? Would you be better learning the language while still working in uk then joining him? Why that particular country, does your dp have links to it or speak the language well, is he supportive of you? Reality of living abroad often does not match the fantasy and giving up your established life, friends, area takes and adjustment and effort, and even then time.

I think you are feeling anxious because you know you have put yourself in a vulnerable decision and possibly this was not a good move for you to make. Does whatever visa you are on allow you working rights? If it doesn’t, to be honest that would be the end for me, I’d go home.

When I was 38 my husband (not boyfriend) was offered an overseas job, my dream country too, but I wouldn’t have working rights so it was a non starter for me. I was too young to not be working. I think you are too. Especially as somebody from a poor background (as I am), I was working hard towards my financial security in my 20s and 30s.

I definitely will NOT be having babies.

My visa allows me to work, so that's no problem. DP doesn't speak the language, we're here purely for his work. Learning the language too and going to dedicate more time to it!

Will not be moving home either unless like @FoiledByTheInsect says - I do their suggestions and after six months, I am still not happy.

I don't agree with the suggestions to move back home - I said in my post I don't want that to happen, I think that's a bit harsh.

Hope you’ve got an emergency escape fund to get home if it all goes pear-shaped

How on earth do you make out that people telling you to move home is harsh? You are 24, unemployed, unmarried and don’t speak the language. Moving home really is and I am sure was intended by all that said it as very sound advice and harshness doesn’t come into it. You are making your self financially vulnerable, I don’t have a daughter your age, but I am old enough to and this is what I would be saying to my daughter. I find it a bit insulting to be accused of being “harsh”.

If you could build on your own career out there, then of course that is a completely different matter, but to be financially vulnerable and dependent, no.

Do whatever is best for your personal job prospects. That’s likely to be moving back. Your boyfriend is doing what’s best for him personally: behave as he does.

What @Aprilx and others have said - harsh or not, it's the truth.

You are 24 years old. The next 10 years are going to be absolutely critical for you to plan your future and build your career.

If instead you plan on following on a man's coattails and play wife (without even being married), you are likely to regret it.

By being abroad with no employment

Are you also NOT paying into your own personal or state pension ?

By not working, you are missing a lot for your personal future !

So what are your rights if you split up? Do you have the right to be in that country without him?
You need to do something for yourself so that you are not dependent on him- emotionally or practically - either get a job or get a qualification/training

You were a bit daft moving out there in the first place to be honest. Move home. You're 24. Why are you sacrificing your happiness for a bloke at 24??

Look for jobs in international companies the work language is often English. Look out for English language adverts for the country in LinkedIn. It will be easier to learn the language while you're at a workplace already (people will still speak their language for chats) combined with a language course.

Slightly different situation as wasn't always abroad, but from 20 I followed my then boyfriend around the country (and then one point abroad) for his work, the nature of his work meant he had to move a lot, earned enough to look after us both and once I finished uni for the main part I didn't work (because of the frequent moving), just odd things here and there, I never built any career.

We married when I was 25, first child at 26, second at 28, stayed at home with them, separated at 30 and subsequently divorced. I now have 2 young children and no job history, No savings, no confidence in that area. I've worked now to build my own business but it's not been easy and have done it while caring for 2 children full time with little help. Those years not working I became a mess of anxiety, no self esteem, depression from lack of self worth.

My ex husband has made constant digs of how lazy I am because I didn't work, yet we discussed those things together and he wanted me to be with him and I wanted to be with him and therefore we made the decision I'd basically be reliant on him. I'd get a job and then we'd have to move. It got to the point where for months I could barely get out of bed because of anxiety and depression.

If I could go back I wouldn't have done it, I wouldn't have followed him, I'd have stayed in the relationship but focused on myself and my future rather than doing things and going places because I wanted to be with him.

If I were you I'd get a job, and remember it'll be better to focus on building YOUR future with him in your life rather than just sitting in his future and not thinking about yours.