AIBU to never speak to exH again? Even if it upsets the DS and DD?

[SafeMove]

I have had a couple of things happen today that are quite upsetting and I don't know if I am over reacting but I feel like exH stole my enjoyment of my DS2 and DD's childhood from me and I never ever want to speak to the man again.

Context: We split up in 2014 because he bit me so hard he took away some flesh and told me my childhood rape was my own fault. It was the culmination of years of abuse, broken bones, coercive control. For the last 8 years I have been so disassociated and traumatised that I just got on with him to keep the peace for DS2 and DD's sake and he has never really had any come back to his behaviour apart from me leaving him, he kept the house etc. Has a lovely new partner. He has the DC 40% of the week. He has never apologised.

I had an Indian head massage this morning and it triggered a flashback to him hitting me over the head. And I have just come across some old video's of the DC from the time - DD was 3 and DS2 was 6. They are singing and playing and generally being adorable - I am sat there in silence with no reaction. I could reach into the screen and shake myself. I look dead behind the eyes. I only really recovered in 2019. From 2014-2019 I was a mess - I was binge drinking, hated myself and moved house and job loads, and my poor DC have had to live with me in that state. I did a masters, bought a house, met DP who is the kindest, gentlest man alive and generally got my shit together. I can never get that 3 year old daughter, and that 6 year old son back - DS1 (not ex H's) has fared well as he was 12 and just cut ex out of his life and we talked and talked about it. DS2 and DD don't know what happened with their Dad as I wanted to protect them. I don't know why I am posting. I want to do right by my DC and make their lives easier but the hatred I feel towards ex is very powerful right now. Anyone else felt similar?

i don't think you should engage with this man at all, but you should get therapy as soon as possible.
My first husband was the same. Its 40 years later and I still have nothing to do with him, I won't speak to him, have him in the house or have anything to do with him.
I live with DS and DiL and they occasionally see him, not often as they have sussed him out, and there is no way he is allowed to engage with me in any way, shape or form.
I wouldn't be surprised if you have PTSD as a result of his abuse.
I took the decision to expunge hostile angry people from my life years ago - ex husband and my parents.
I've also had extensive therapy and finally feel like I have a life.

Thanks for replying @Shehasadiamondinthesky How did you go about communicating (or not) about your DS though? I think I have been so reasonable and put up this facade for the past 7 years I don't know how to navigate cutting him off if I am honest? I don't want to upset DD and DS but I also can't push this aside anymore, clearly.

Hi there, its a tricky one. I had to get an injunction taken out against him because he was so horrible, shouting at me, not giving DS back and in the end a judge decided it would be best not to see his father any more. He sees him a bit now he is an adult.
He was supposed to communicate via a relative - no email in those days - but ignored all rules and kept abusing me in public.
Your ex should only be allowed to communicate via email and no communication at drop off, stay in the car. He is a danger to you. I'd get an injunction out if he threatens you at all.
You don't have to put up with this. I believe there are sites where you arrange things for the children in a safe way without direct contact, can't remember what but others on mumsnet will know.
I'd just tell him you want no further contact with him given his past abuse and you will only speak to him via such and such website which monitors all messages.

To do the best you can for your children you have to keep yourself fit and healthy. Having someone around who triggers bad memories is not good for your mental health. I don't think that keeping the truth from the DCs is the best way to prepare them for when they start dealing directly with their f. Being honest with children is important. Your DC are approaching the age when they will make their own choices as to when they want to see their f. If you are open with the DC they have more chance of being open with you if there are any problems with f in the future. Be realistic about the ex with you DC

Are the dc old enough to have phones/organise their own contact? At least the older one? If so, cut him off entirely. You should not have anything to do with him. He has taken enough of your life.

If you did it by email, could your partner essentially do it for you without even letting on it's not you? Won't be any comeback from the ex then

Thanks all. Lots to think about. I will just ask the DC to communicate with him from now on and arrange pick up. I only usually have to deal with him once a week face to face but today something snapped in me and I never want to see or talk to him again.

I sacrificed my own feelings so that it wouldn't impact on the DC, as I know parental conflict screws with children but I actually think this has caused me more damage as I am protecting him. I haven't done anything wrong, so why is he getting protection? I am so angry. In fact I feel so overwhelmed with fury it is frightening me. I couldn't mother my small children in the way I wanted because he decided to behave like a monster. I want to scream that it isn't fair. I have no idea where this anger has come from.

you are RIGHT to be angry, he did awful things to you and to your children, I'm so sorry that -as you rightly recognise- you weren't able to mother your children as you would have wished.
I'm not sure how old you DC are now? but asking them to arrange their own contact is putting a lot of responsibility on them. They may feel, for example, that they would like to see their Dad but it would be disloyal to you.
You are right that parental conflict is bad for children- but what they experienced WAS parental conflict. Caused by him.
I think asking your DP to deal with this (if he is willing) may be a good solution. And of course, keep listening to your children.