Lonely at 40+

[Subaru4336]

I've been married for over 20 years, and if I'm honest with myself, should never have got married, as my husband and I don't understand each other.

Pre-pandemic my life was incredibly busy, commuting and running around after my kids. I mainly socialised with work friends, as I felt guilty going out at weekends and being away from the kids even more, although I did have one local friend and her family with kids similar ages to mine.

But now, I'm mainly working from home, commute cost is a big factor so I just can't afford to go in to the office very much (once or twice a month at the most), and also my main work friends have moved away from the city, so aren't there in the office anyway. I just feel incredibly lonely. The local friend I had seems to have moved on, our kids have always had different interests, and as they've got older they've grown apart, and she doesn't seem to want to catch up any more. (I suggest things and she says she'll get back to me.)

I've tried Peanut, but the local ladies on there are at a very different lifestyle, e.g., TTC, or with very young children. I've also looked at MeetUp, but I'm in a very small town, so nothing going on locally.

I just don't know how to meet new people, I don't really have any hobbies or anything like that where I could join a club or something, so wondering if I'm destined to feel like this forever 😞

Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try @Subaru4336 ?
It is so hard making new friends without some sort of common ground.

Start a new hobby and meet people that way eg running club or walking group. Get a dog and you’ll chat to people walking plus can go on group dog walks. I’ve made friends at SlimmingWorld group (you don’t need to be overweight to go just wanting to lose a bit)

Is volunteering an option?

What about helping with Scouts or Brownies?

Op not easy. I join a walking thing but havent really gelled with them. Maybe it takes time. I have a dog he gets me out. Its just not easy though.

I’m in a similar position. Small town but not loads going on locally and it isn’t a particularly friendly place. Things with my husband are difficult as we are raising children with special needs so it’s stressful, my colleagues all work remotely and clubs on offer here are mainly fitness related.

Are there any clubs nearby you could join? I’d make a list of things you like and see where the nearest one is.

Making friends is so difficult especially when you hit a certain age it feels.

@brandnewdayreset I used to go to a gym, which I really enjoyed, but sadly with all the cost of living increases I just can't afford to go at the moment.

@Mary46 & @Dixiechickonhols I have a dog, and he's lovely and gets me out, but on my own! Rightly or wrongly, I don't subscribe to group dog walking - it sets him up for failure, as he's already too over-sociable, and therefore terribly behaved with other dogs, although maybe when he's older he'll be calmer.

@Keepitonthedownlow I had thought about volunteering, but because of my kids' sports I'm worried about the commitment and letting people down.

Probably deep down I'm just desperately missing my friends from my 'old' life.

40 is not too old to start again and go it alone, OP.

If you and DH aren't compatible and don't make each other happy, maybe it's time to rethink the situation?

I don't really have any hobbies or anything like that where I could join a club or something

Hobbies aren't something you're born with, and then you either have them or don't have the for the rest of your life. A hobby is something you start doing when you have more time on your hands than you need, and you'll be bored if you don't do something.

Time to get proactive, OP. Start training for a marathon, learn to play an instrument (Tutorful.co.uk is useful), take a course at the local college on how to speak Cantonese or how to make your own filled chocolates. Set yourself a task of visiting 10 cafes you've never been to before, and go to a gallery or museum beforehand so that when you get talking to people, you've got something to say.

There's plenty of world out there, but it won't come to you. You have to go to it.

What @Watchkeys says, and to make it easier, why not try setting yourself a non-negotiable goal for each week? Something that you must do once a week, no excuses. You could identify a potential dog-walking buddy and ask her if she would like to walk together once a week? If you go out dog-walking at the same time each day, the chances are you'll see at least one familiar face all the time?

I would approach it by being honest. Say that you love walking the dog but that he doesn't give you much conversation (!) day in day out that gets kind of lonely?

Mine is reactive with other dogs 1-1 with me but fab on group walks. We go once a month. Lots of ladies my age.
I used to walk weekly and chat with a friend I met at sw.
I volunteer too, it doesn’t have to be weekly but opens world up a bit we have meals out etc.
Dance class? we are chatty at one I do.
Anything workwise you could do eg conference, training course, women networking event.

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your responses. I like the idea of a non-negotiable goal, so will think about something I can do for that.

Op I will do one night walking as gets me out of house. Have just found past while hard get people to commit to things... Or I say yes let me know when you free. Nothing then. Gets tiring

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. The difficulty I have is that I don't have huge amounts of time, but am still lonely, as I know there's not anyone local I can just meet up with for a drink or something every now and then.

Op I know its hard agree. It fizzled out loads walking at start just didnt commit!! I used see school mams now kids are grown. So you dont see people as much or as you say they move away. Even a coffee everyone busy busy lol

You could try an evening class? Not one where you get a GCSE, but one where you produce something. A sewing one, a wood carving one, salsa, knitting, macrame, watercolor painting; whatever you think you could enjoy (and it might take a few attempts to find the right thing!) And I'll bet you'll meet people. Again, you might have to get through some dull 'mates dates' till you meet people you gel with, but you could find a couple of gems!

Also, you don't have stay in an unhappy marriage. I know it might seem counterintuitive to ditch the one adult you live with and have conversations with, but often, women who divorce at your age find a whole new lease of life!

I feel exactly the same. I’m single and my kids see their dad on a rotating schedule so I don’t have fixed nights child free so cannot join any clubs or courses. My kids are too young to leave at home.
I’ve given up trying to date after 3 years or trying.
I’ve moved city’s a few times before kids so don’t have any local friends. I have lots of school mum acquaintances but when I suggest meeting up without the kids it never happens.
when I am child free I go on bike rides, picnics, museums, cafes. I go on holidays and mini breaks alone and never meet anyone. I wfh now too so can go days without seeing another adult (except my lovely mum)
I have 2 good friends but they both live far away.
im so lonely. Sorry not helpful but you are not alone op x

I feel lonely and alone too. I haven't spoken to a single adult over the last couple of days and I am not likely to see anyone tomorrow either (especially now DFosterling1 has a temperature). I am late 50s with two babies which makes it hard to get out and meet new people.

I would say though that being in an unhappy marriage just makes the loneliness worse, my first marriage was unhappy and I often felt very very lonely back then.

I worked from home for a while and the novelty quickly wore off. Would a change of job role be an option? So you could work locally? Meet more people. Definitely look at new hobbies/courses. Or maybe a hobbie you can do with the kids horse riding, karate etc people often seem to do together?

It's easy to make friends at work when you're spending 35-40 hours a week there, or half that if you're working part time. What you've discovered is that now you're not making friends at work, you have to put in what feels like a huge amount of hours to make friends elsewhere.

For example:
Suppose you spend 40 hours a week at work. If you do a hobby for 4 hours a week, you'd have to attend every week for 10 weeks to gain the same amount of interaction and familiarity.

You can make friends elsewhere, but it will take what seems like a lot of effort and commitment. After all, you were getting paid for your time while you were making friends at work, and you had to go to work anyway. The friends you made at work were in some ways a bonus or free perk, because you didn't have to invest any extra time over and above working hours, but you just didn't realise it at the time.

As for Zoom, it's a poor substitute for real face to face interactions. Humans are social creatures. We're not meant to spend a lot of time on our own. We need regular face to face contact. In that respect the lockdowns and WFH new normal have done a lot of damage.

@YorkshireDude that's so true.

We want friends in our lives but it takes a lot of time to have a friend. When I was a full sahm with DS 2 days in daycare I managed to maintain 2 or 3 close friends and I had loads of time. Recently I have been working from home (different city now so no old friends) and I've given up.

@Subaru4336

i feel a bit similar in that I’m a bit lonely and 40+ I think I’m getting more and more used to my own company but it’s not always easy. I’d LOVE to have someone local to call on for walks, dinners etc . I go walking and I REALLY enjoy podcasts-so much so, I prefer walking alone. The endless chatter with someone else would Just exhaust me.

I also maximise local opportunities… I know one lady and we don’t ‘click’ but i still occasionally meet up with her to maintain social interaction

I’ve taken up a new hobby and even though the classes are online, it really helps me and it’s becoming quite exciting learning something brand new

i am separated and I’m still healing and recovering but I’m slowly swimming towards these waters as mentioned by a PP but often, women who divorce at your age find a whole new lease of life

I’m lonely too, and I think the PPs are spot on, it takes time to make friends. I’ve just come back from a disastrous group night out where i didn’t really click with anyone. It felt even more lonely being in a large group of people busily chatting and laughing. I wish I had a best friend, but maybe that’s not how things are these days.

Yes its hard. Hard when friendships formed. Its hard break into that. Even coffees yes must meet. No follow up. I couldnt be arsed now with it!!!

I wish I had a best friend, but maybe that’s not how things are these days
@DarlingCoffee I don’t think having a best friend is all it’s cracked up to be, to be honest. I had a best friend who I’m still good friends with thankfully but I had to pull way back from her. She quite literally exhausted me with daily phone calls & long emotional vents. I’m so much happier now with some good friends but without that level of commitment or intensity.