Response to "Stately homes" type mother re parenting my little boy?

[Paddingtons]

Long story short my mum is in her 70's and is very much of the "stately homes" thread type for those who know that MN thread... as in, never hugged me, never told me I was loved, said I'd amount to nothing, critical, stiff upper lip etc etc. Very old fashioned, favours men and boys over girls, speaks highly of my husband, brothers and my little boy but basically either ignores me or criticises me and all my choices.

Over the years I've had counselling because if the impact of this on my adult relationships, and I've come to terms with my childhood and tried to be a much better mum to my boy, who is used to plenty of love and cuddles and is way more confident than I ever was.

I decided to go low contact with my mother a few years ago, and we see her a couple of times a year. These visits are largely due to obligation on my part. She has old fashioned views about family visits and it's easier for me to endure a couple of visits than cut off contact altogether, as it's just about enough to keep her off my case must of the time. I know it's a very sad situation it's come to this but I realised years ago there would be no changing her so it's just about managing things.

Anyway we are due to visit her at her home. Her mobility is ok but declining and so it's easier for her if we go there. However it's a stress as my little boy is 2 and very adventurous and my mum doesn't seem to understand the concept of a child proof home so she has glass ornaments everywhere!

I've asked that we stay mostly in the garden as it should be sunny. I explained that my son likes exploring anywhere unfamiliar and he will want to touch everything so we are trying to find a way to manage the visit as easily as possible. My mums response when I said my son likes to explore was a very sniffy "well we did things differently to you".

I know the common sense advice will be "don't go", but honestly there is so much context, history and baggage here I can't go into it all, but suffice to say, we are going! It will be for a few hours so I just need to get through it with toddler not causing too much stress and my sanity intact!

I guess I'm wondering if I just bite my lip over comments like the above or if there's a good response I can offer.

When she says "we did things differently" I can only imagine she means that her and my father shouted as us and smacked us when we were babies and we were too scared to explore anywhere.

Can anyone relate to this?

I can’t although I sympathise. I’m giving this a gentle bump in the hope someone else can offer advice.
for you.

I know you said easier to go there but is there a local (to her) restaurant you could go to instead? You get to see on on more neutral territory that way too

I would be tempted to agree with her and say something along the line of' Yes, we are doing things differently aren't we. He's such a happy, confident little boy. We are so proud of him.' Then change the subject.
Good luck!

Unpopular, but given the circumstances... Reins?

In a similar family situation, though my DS is older now. I’d suggest not taking your dc with you as it will be fraught and unpleasant all round. I visit occasionally with my grown up dd.

That's a very good response

😃 I like this!

Could you just plonk him in front of an iPad for the visit and ignore the judgment for doing so? I understand the obligation to visit and how it’s easier to comply, unlike many on MN, so maybe the seen and not heard thing might work for all?

Yes, my first thought was to say something along the lines of "well yes, smacking the shit out of one's child is frowned upon these days" but I know that would cause an issue. My relationship with my parents is similar to yours and you have my sympathy 💐
Grin and bare it & don't stay a moment too long

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I’d just say something like “yes you certainly did” and allow her to make of it what she will. No need to engage- sounds like you’ve already come to terms with what she’s like so you won’t gain anything from arguing about it.

I always plan now for difficult occasions. Can the visit be a max of 2.5 hours? That’s 5 x 30 minute slices. This is just what I’d do:
1st 30 mins. In garden, take light plastic or foam balls, skittles or empty plastic bottles as game. Play mat with cars. Alternate them for 30 mins.
2nd 30 minute slot Go for a walk, or DH and DC go for a walk, you stay and chat.
3 rd 30 mins eat.
4th. Colouring, read book, run around garden. Favourite toy.
Final slot. Drink, scribble on a card for granny that your dc has previously stuck a bit of pasta, sticky shapes or done a handprint in. Give to granny. Say profuse goodbyes and leave. If all else fails sit together and sing interminable nursery rhymes to gran until she throws you all out.

Just bite your lip and change the subject. Don't give it the energy or attention of a good response.

'Yes' is enough.

I was asked recently why I don't answer (while she was ranting at me about how unreasonable everyone else is). I just said that there wasn't anything useful I could say.

Strategy wise, you know what he likes and you know what she likes.

Try and find something that suits them both. One great granny loved feeding my little boy chocolate buttons. He didn't have chocolate anywhere else, but he stood still while she popped them in his mouth one at a time, and that was precious to her.

Take snacks for him, including cake for everyone, sit him on a blanket you bring and feed him very very slowly. That will kill a few minutes. Get him a new toy that he hasn't seen before. That will fill a few more. Let him use a tablet/phone with you or his dad. Does she like photos? You could print some off and get him to ferry them to show her one at a time. Will she go for a walk? A walk to the park always helped when visiting mine.

Whatever it takes to get by, really.

I totally relate although luckily I'm NC with mine and she's now abroad anyway. Any chance of her emigrating? 😉

Are you visiting with DS's dad/your partner or alone? If you have to go altogether then can the other adult be primed to take him out? Is there a park nearby? My bet is that she's not actually that interested in being with him, but she'd like to say hi to him (perhaps!).

And if not then is there a way to go alone? Any trips are stressful to someone like that, but there's no real need to take DS at that age when he's going to make the situation more stressful - not because there's anything wrong with his behaviour but because of her response(s) to it.

If she then complains that she's not seeing him - as a way of guilting you - then just tell her you don't want to tire her out. And don't enter into any further discussions about it.

My MIL really wants to see her GC and she always makes and made efforts to make her home as child-friendly as she could. She's the opposite of my mother. If you want something badly enough, you'll do what you can to facilitate it happening. Your DM doesn't really want DS over, or she'd make it safe for him and her belongings.

Or.. “yes you did but these days there are laws to protect children, we choose not to abuse ours”.

I’d LOVE the opportunity to say that to my (dead) wooden spoon / rolling pin / BREAD KNIFE wielding mother.

I agree with what @thinkningaboutit and @Despinetta have said, both good suggestions.

And then let your son behave normally. If one of her tat precious ornaments gets broken, that's HER fault for not putting them in a safe place or making allowances for a very young child. Not your fault and certainly not your 2yo's.

He's probably a bit too young to understand the concept of a lovely treat afterwards so there's something to look forward to and focus on during the visit - but make sure you have something like that for yourself. Nice coffee and cake or a pub meal on the way home, or something planned that will help to cheer you up. And then grey rock, grey rock, grey rock for the duration of the visit.

I hope it will be as OK as possible. Your childhood sounds much like mine. I have had to bite my tongue with my mother so much over the years that it's a wonder I've got any face left...

Best wishes to you. x

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no probably not unless your boundaries are skewed in that whole area too.

I would not go and see her given how she has and continues to treat you and besides which you are going there for the wrong reasons i.e. feeling obligated to do so (along with fear and guilt). She installed those particular buttons in you and it needs to be addressed through counselling. Have you as yet posted and or read the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages?. Its worth reading.

What does your H think of your mother's behaviours?. Can you both have a word ready so that in the event you do go there and she starts (even a look of disapproval can sting), you can use that as the way to leave?. You do not mention your dad here; is he still in your life?.

It will also do your child no favours at all to see his mum get so disrespected by his nan. Please do not keep subjecting your most precious of resource here to your mother. Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparent figures and your mother does not fit the bill.

Keep it short. Agree exit time with DH. Could you incorporate a short trip out eg let’s all walk to the park. If that’s a no go then could DH pop out with son - need to pop to shop/postbox whatever. Maybe google tips for toddlers on planes - box with wrapped small snacks and toys. Ball for in garden?

Sounds awful. Endure and go. I wouldn’t engage with sniping. Have a stock answer like poster suggested above or ignore.

I would concur that she does not want your son over because if she did, she would make more of an effort. You're merely playing into her hands further here by trying to seek her approval in a visit; approval she will anyway never give you.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with her rather than the one you actually got. If your H's parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate your efforts further on them rather than your mother.

You can't put your toddler on reins insode a house to appease an unreasonable grandmother! What sort of message does that send? I'd say make an agreement with yourself that if he starts touching things and she starts acting arsey about it, you say 'okay great seeing you mum, time for us to head home!' And leave.

I'd just nod and bite my tongue but in my head say something like "awww bless her, she really hasn't got a clue how to parent". If your inward monologue makes you feel sorry for her (and really, there's every chance she grew up like this and really doesn't have a clue) it gets easier to ignore her comments. Just keep reminding yourself she's making these comments because she's ignorant not because she's actually a superior person to you.

My other top tip I got from this site is to play bingo in your head with all the awful/annoying things she will say. It makes it much more satisfying rather than annoying when she says them then! Just don’t react. If you do take DH he can play along.

Could you stay in a nearby Travelodge and pop over on your own first for 2 hours in the morning.Then have lunch with your husband & with your boy..Then return with hubs & son for 2 hours at grans. Repeat next day

You have one life to live and every minute more you spend with her, it’s wasted. She gives you no love, no happiness, no joy - instead she makes you feel anxious and unhappy. Why put up with it a second more? You know this belief that “blood is thicker than water” is a myth. You know that just because someone is your “blood” or your “mother” doesn’t mean that you have to accept their abusive behaviour. You are not obligated to do anything. You have your own family now. Focus on that and the true happiness that can offer you.

Is there a nice National Trust property or anything you can visit with her for the day? They can provide wheelchairs or regular places to sit, gardens for your little one to yomp in etc and neutral ground. Will your DH go with you too? I understand the reasons to go and why it has to be easier for her but you can still set the tone at least a bit?