Lost male looking for advice

[Rdc349]

Hi all, very nervous post here but here goes

Myself and my fiancé broke up three weeks ago. We have a beautiful little boy who is 6 months old. Since he came along we have been really struggling and arguing quite frequently. I really do try my best with regards to my son and picking up my share of responsibilities but it feels a lot of the time like I can’t do anything right and I’m sometimes a bit worried to do things as I wonder what the response will be. I’m not the only one who thinks this, other members of the family have said the same. She is an amazing mother however and our little boy is doing really well.

Since we split up she has been in very frequent contact although that has tailed off somewhat this last few days since a conversation I had with her on Sunday. She has said she loves me, she misses me but she doesn’t know if we can be together and doesn’t know if that will change. She has also text me when she’s away with her friends telling me she’s thinking of me. She asked on Wednesday if I would like for us to do something on Father’s Day and she sends me photos of our son every day and wants the same when I have him. She also still wears her engagement ring.

I know I’ve made many mistakes, but I’ve always been faithful and I am prepared to own and work on my faults. I just am so confused and wondered from a woman’s perspective, I would be best doing

thank you

If you want her back, I think you need to give her space. It sounds to me like she's undecided as to whether she wants to be with you or not and she needs to work it through.
You absolutely need to be there to support her in caring for your child so a discussion on how that will work is needed.
In terms of responses to her social contact with you, that's entirely up to you. If you want to see and engage with her on her terms, then fine. However you might find it difficult in terms of knowing where you stand, and might prefer to establish boundaries, so that unless you're properly together you don't behave as a couple.

You’re absolutely right and I feel ashamed for not being the best I could and should have been

Thank you for your advice. Do you think the situation could be hopeless or would you think that the things she has said would indicate there is some chance for us?

Instead of asking complete strangers on here, ask her if there is a chance you could sort things out and get back together. Arrange to meet her, preferably without the baby (could a grandparent babysit for a couple of hours?) and talk about what you both want. Listen to what she says. See if you can come to an agreement on things. Good luck.

I have no idea based on a one sided account. She may well have post partum depression or anxiety but it's all pure speculation.

I have, and she just says she doesn’t know. I’ve tried to speak to her and explain how I intend on improving the situation and bettering myself so I can become a better partner for her.

One comment I would have is that not everyone has enough objective insight to understand how their partner will view 'their best' so try not to feel too comfortable in having done your best nor in what a supportive family might say if that will be a barrier in changing. Many a DP who did little but sometimes 'helped' with the housework instead of, say, doing more than half the housework so the DM has enough time to spend with the baby will believe they did 'their best'. Many supportive families will say supportive things so try to be objective. FWIW, try and keep the lines of communication open but I know of very few times a mother with a baby has chosen to end a supportive relationship, nor ending a relationship without repeatedly repeatedly trying.

Did it take the relationship ending for you to be willing to work on things and change? How many times did your DP try and communicate unsuccessfully? What did you argue about and what mistakes did you make?

Good luck.

Here's what I think: no one should split up while any of their children is under school age unless there is abuse in the relationship. She is hormonal. You are both shattered and the overwhelming responsibility of keeping a tiny child alive makes even calm and happy people feel tense and snappy.

Get her to sit down with you over a cup of coffee and say it is stupid to judge the quality of your relationship at such a turbulent time in your lives. Ask her is she knows deep down that you love her and your son, if she knows deep down that you want the best for them and if she believes deep down that your child would be better off with both parents.

Ask her to accept that you may not do things her way all the time, but as long as your child is clean, fed and cuddled, all is well. Suggest you get a sitter and then go out a few times, not drinking or for dinner as these won't help you switch off from parenthood, but doing something you both enjoy - go and see a comedian or band you both love, something you can remember happily - new shared experiences.

I do think men are clueless as to how enormous the physical toll of having a child is on a woman's body and hormones. Imagine you had just had a major operation and were still leaking blood and bodily fluids and would be for months, but minutes after the operation you started a new job, that was 24/7, no breaks ever and that someone's life depended on you doing it perfectly but there was no training and everyone you asks tells you to do it differently and everyone expects you to be delighted at the new job and all your relatives and friends drop by while you are doing the job and interrupt you and you're supposed to entertain them. That's pretty much the stress women are under when they have a child.

Your relationship has irrevocably changed. You are no longer the most important person in her life and never will be. Some men can't cope with that fall from grace. Good men can though, so be one of them.

'explain how I intend on improving the situation and bettering myself' - You might see the world in terms of you and might think you saying the right words now should lead to your DP listening and giving you another chance to better yourself but that might just sound like words to her if you had many times to deliver actions and chose not to.

Good luck.

I don't think its hopeless because she hasn't cut ties and still loves you. Obviously we only have your side of things, so from what you've shared, there appears no obvious reason for her not wanting to be with you.
As other people have suggested, you may have fallen short in ways only she can tell you, and improving these things may be enough to make it work. So you will need to talk at some point.
But there is also the possibility that she's confused in general. Her life has changed dramatically and she may not know what she wants.
I actually don't think you should push her for a conversation right now. I think you need to let her do what she needs to do. In your position I'd make it clear that firstly you're there for any support she needs, and secondly you want to be with her and are ready to listen when she's ready to talk. Then I'd back off (apart from your responsibility to your child) and leave her be.

I am comfortable with not being the centre of her world anymore, because frankly, she isn’t mine, our little boy is. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make her my first priority after him.

Ive tried to speak to her about it on more than one occasion but while she’s happy to tell me how she feels, she doesn’t want to have a conversation with me about the situation right now.

I’ve been totally clueless and to be honest, ignorant to what she’s been through and if I could do the time over, I would.

Going to therapy to get a handle on my OCD so it isn’t an issue that we frankly don’t need right now, being more understanding to how much her life has changed and being patient with her when she’s having an off day. Spending more quality time together so we can connect again.

Having a baby completely changes the way alot of women see their future. Its exhausting, and when theres no or very little support it can be over whelming. Add into that the influx of hormones and its very hard. There could also be an element of post natal depression, its not always obvious to pick up on and can last months, even years to a degree of some sort.
It can also be scary. Suddenly there is this little person who is 100% reliant on you. Life, for her, has changed forever.

I've seen so many times, men saying if only she'd asked me i'd of done xyz. Point is though, we are sick of asking. It should just be got on with. Washings piling up - wash it. Dinner needs sorting - sort it. Carpets need hoovering - hoover them. Don't wait to be 'asked'. Did you fall into the trap of only doing things she asked you to do? Because when women have had a baby, they need an adult as their partner, not another child who has to be told everything they need to do.

Also, how long have you been engaged? After getting engaged did you do anything about planning the wedding with her? Or just get enaged and leave it there? Again, she could be evaluating how much you really want her and want to be a family if you've done sod all about that after proposing. I don't mean to be harsh, but again, so many men do the propose part and then go silent. Almost like their job is done there.

She needs to feel special, especially after the baby her body will be changed, even if its not noticible to you, it will be to her. She needs to know that you love her even more then you did before as it is quite a shock to the system to be honest after the baby comes and things don't quite back to what shes used to being her entire life. it takes time.

Going forward, you need to listen to what shes telling you, and respect it if she says she needs some space. And actually put into action anything you say or promise. Words are easy. Its the actions you do to back them up she'll be taking note of.
Baby needs clothes? Tell her 'lets go now and get some'. She says shes tired, take baby out for a couple hours so she can have time to herself. Just try and do anything you can to lighten the load. And most of all, make sure she knows how much you love her, and that yes, she is in fact the centre of your universe (along side your new baby).

So when it comes to house work I’ve always done most things and always done them without being asked which she would be the first to admit to, when my little boy was born I kept up to the washing, the cleaning, the shopping, did his morning routines from 6 ish so she could get some sleep as well as stayed up till 1 to ensure I could do the early night feed. Her issue was that I didn’t make her some meals which I guess is fair enough.

I was working from home during this time and so was available more often than not but she didn’t like that I trained four times a week so I cut it down to 3.

we had a wedding booked which we’ve had to cancel and I actually arranged to visit the venue as a surprise to tell her once we’d got engaged, we are only a year away to the day from the date.

she wanted to move to be close to family also as we lived a bit of a distance away so the house which I owned prior to us moving in together I sold with the intention of buying in the area she wanted to be close to family. So now I’m staying with my sister.

admittedly, I should have worked on my personal issue much harder

I say available because I wasn’t jumping to help out with our little boy all the time because I didn’t want to step on her toes too frequently, I guess is the only way I can describe it. But I guess there were other ways I wasn’t available or present that relate more to our relationship and connection than housework and dad duties

Maybe you should try posting as a woman op. From what you have said you’ve done nothing wrong, and your ex is keeping you hanging on In limbo. The advice to a woman would be, tell him to fuck off and never look back, he’s a manipulative abuser. Go and live your best life

Give her the space she wants while making it clear you're available and offering active support with your son.

She doesn't have the time or energy to solve the problem of your relationship for you right now.

I’ve tried to speak to her and explain how I intend on improving the situation and bettering myself so I can become a better partner for her. This makes it sounds like she's your employer and you're asking to extend your probationary period. Having to 'manage' a partner is a burden and a drain. It's certainly not sexy.

Actions speak louder than words. Listening is more powerful than talking. Listen to what she needs. Act upon it. Stop 'telling' her stuff.

Be a decent person, be reliable and kind and see if she comes back to you.