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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help trauma bonding with narcissist

22 replies

nonoyoyo · 13/05/2022 10:43

Please can someone help!

I've left my narcissist. Again.

He's so brutal and yet I'm drawn to him.

We've split up countless times. And we always end up back together. I get drawn back in. Think it could be different this time.

Im feeling fragile. It ended with him making me have an abortion. (Unplanned contraception fail. I have the coil) which was traumatic.

I have started seeing a therapist. For anxiety. We ended up talking about him the entire last session. About how he thinks I'm an empath. I put others feelings first. He said I need to find someone similar. Or at least someone who understands me.

I have blocked him. And deleted his number. I'm done. So why do I still feel shit? If he turned up at my door I think I'd still talk to him?!

Does anyone have any experience of breaking this trauma bond?

OP posts:
SophSoSo · 13/05/2022 10:48

The only thing that works is no contact.

I spent nearly three years with someone similar, we haven’t spoken for three weeks and although I’m angry, every day it gets easier.

You have to block him everywhere, if he turns up at your door do not answer. There’s no other way, if you break no contact he will suck you back in and you are right back at square one.

Its an awful thing to go through but you can do it x

nonoyoyo · 13/05/2022 11:05

So sorry to hear you've been through it too. It hurts.

And the worst part is I don't even think I like him any more. I can see all the shitty things he did. But I still feel so bonded.

He won't turn up. He's 'alpha male' so he says. He has too much pride. It's always me getting sucked back in. But I've completely blocked everything. Just finding it hard

(Not sure what happened to my paragraphs...!)

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 13/05/2022 11:15

Time, time and more time (away from him with no contact).

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/05/2022 11:27

Time will help, I'd also recommend the Freedom Programme which is run by Womens Aid. You can do it online.

I'm a bit Hmm that your therapist is saying you need to be in a relationship with someone similar to yourself... because after an abusive relationship, the last thing you need is another relationship, you need to be alone for a bit.

I also think women coming out of abusive relationships should NEVER get therapy with a male practitioner. You're in a very vulnerable place right now and the intensity of a therapeutic relationship can be very confusing at this time.

nonoyoyo · 13/05/2022 11:52

Thanks @EvenMoreFuriousVexation I will look into that. I've heard a lot about it.

No sorry I think he meant my ex is no good for me. Next time I need someone more empathetic. I don't think he means now!

OP posts:
Sausagelove · 13/05/2022 13:02

You might find this lady helpful.

nonoyoyo · 13/05/2022 14:59

@Sausagelove thank you so much. That really resonated with me. It really helps x

I hope everyone else who's had/having this is okay

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 13/05/2022 15:02

following as totally in the same position , a lot of violence and I’m still feeling sorry for him he’s alone. Always thought I was a strong woman … clearly not when it comes to him. I’m sorry you are going through this x

Strawberrydelight55 · 13/05/2022 17:18

Hello I'm a month single. My little bit of you tube and Internet research possibly indicates my ex has covert narcissism he could possibly have bpd or something.

Our relationship started when I was lonely. He was working for my neighbour. We got talking. In my head I'd been sent this perfect opportunity. We was meant to meet. I thought that because of the way he looked at me. He told my neighbour I was lovely and so I plucked up the courage to add him.on Facebook. It turned out he was one of life's struggles. Alcoholic in recovery..depressed. screwed up every part of his life. His marriage. His kids. His ex. He had a bad attitude. Angry. Loads of broken family connections. Yet he was wonderful and charming and alpha. He sucked me in. Then spat me out. Sucked me in then spat me out. He triangulated me with his ex within days. He knew he wasn't ready to let her go emotionally so he kept her around as a friend and watched me and her both get jealous!

Eventually we were in this relationship where we'd be great. As long as I didn't react or question anything. The minute I said anything about him, or his ex, or brought him up on his commitment to me, or told him I didn't like him suggesting I styled my hair different/ wore different things he changed. I got myself into trouble alot. Silent treatments. Anger. Shouting. Cutting me off. Blaming me for everything. He'd play mind games and change stories. He was up to stuff all the time. Nothing ever added up. Women hanging around him mainly online. One thing I noticed about him was he'd message women linked to family members he'd cut off. So he'd flirt with his brothers exes. He'd keep his ex wife sister on Facebook. He'd add his ex girlfriends no longer friend.

He was very charming. Cooked me a nice meal. Sometimes I was his world. But looking back now I was settling for crumbs!!! I wasted so much time.

Honestly I'm in therapy now too. I am still waiting for a message..he's blocked me everywhere but I have his things. One day he will need them back. If he messaged me tonight and said meet me at the park at 9pm for a chat. I'd be there. Why? Because I'm still messed up. But because I've told absolutely everybody now I'd loose everyone if I did go back. I simply can't do it. We can't be what we was before. We cant go back. We can't go back to that.

You miss the happy days. The better times. The first feelings. The times you were special and he was caring. Because they are sometimes. They are not always horrible.

I see it like he really did have 2 personalities. I only like one side of him. That's the side I miss. Because he showed signs of being a beautiful human being. I don't know why but it makes me sad thinking of us eating together. That gets to me so much because he did all the cooking. That was really the only time I felt he did something for me. It always felt like he Cooked for me with love.

Sending you a hug and please message me if you need a talk.

Pinkbonbon · 13/05/2022 17:35

Bewt thing you can do is learn all.tou can about narcissists.

For me now, I just see them as horrible slimey things. You couldn't pay me to stay in a room with anyone who I remotely suspected of being one. Even the ones that have immense chemistry and magnetism.

If only I'd known years back what I know now.

Once it clicks for you how truly empty...with rhe exception of some putrid evil hatred, that they all truly are, any bonds just fall away. But it takes time and repitition for that knowledge to truly sink in. So keep learning.

Strawberrydelight55 · 13/05/2022 17:49

I have noticed certain times of the day affect me. Often first thing in the morning. Or if its silent but I can hear birds outside. I don't know why it bothers me. But I guess it's loneliness. Even though they are horrible you've been so used to adrenaline, egg shells, stress and anxiety. You'll still be feeling it now but the void is there. You are grieving. I am grieving too. Someone's missing that was hanging about in your face not long ago. It's the stupid things.

When we first started dating I'd walk three miles to his house in the evenings back end of summer. It was so exciting back then. Perfume and makeup and I'd meet him half way and we'd hold hands and he'd always light candles and play music when we got to his.. Then he'd walk me home at midnight and nobody else was around. I'd give anything to go back to those days now. But within a month I was being kicked out some nights. Yelled at. His ex was coming and going. It's exhausting looking back.

Are you keeping busy? I have had to stop moping. I keep finding little things to do. Or even peaceful things. Sitting by water! Treating myself to a cheap treat. Meeting a single friend and just moaning about men and relationships. Feels good to express yourself sometimes. Watching videos on narcissists. Listening to music. Laying in bed and putting my phone away and allowing myself to drift off and think.

Sausagelove · 13/05/2022 21:14

Glad you found it useful op. She does a lot of videos that I’ve found really helpful as I have a similar problem.

I would caution against investing time into researching narcissists. Consider instead putting your focus on healing. Once you are healed you won’t be interested in people like this.

NewmummyJ · 13/05/2022 21:32

It's incredibly difficult severing a trauma bond but if you do your life will be transformed. I am at almost two years no contact. I know how difficult it is. I still think about him often, despite having a wonderful life and having had the scales drop from eyes and see that what I thought he was is just a mirage.

What helped me was Dr Ramani on youtube, watching her plethora of videos over and over so I could understand what had happened to me (and that I wasn't living some great love story) and to drill it into my brain. It was like living with two realities until I learnt to accept the man I loved was a nasty narcissist.

The other thing that helped was distraction, build a life for yourself, let all the things and people back into your life that he took away. Start doing all the things you've always wanted to do. Now is your time!

Pegsonstrings · 13/05/2022 21:53

I was you a few years back and the beautiful people of MN brought me forward with encouragement and kindness. It’s important that you start on yourself and I second that the therapist ideally should be a woman. My therapist was incredible. It took me watching videos on. Narcissistic abuse on YouTube and the read up on it. I was surprised to learn the tactics they use and I did feel rather daft but am now armoured with knowledge.

be kind to yourself and remember he will try and get back in contact with you because all you are to him is a supply. All the best on your journey

Hepherlous · 13/05/2022 22:05

Our marriage therapist was the one to point out to me (in later separate counselling with just me) that my ex-h was likely a narcissist. I'd recommend the grey rock method which massively helped me (lots of info if you google). I now also understand (through therapy) why I am attracted to them (and vice versa) which also helps. My screensaver was a picture of grey rocks just to remind me! Good luck OP

nonoyoyo · 13/05/2022 23:34

Thank you. Flowers

I've had an emotional night out with some friends. And I'm afraid to say I tried to contact him. But I'm on my way home and I checked in here and saw all your messages.

I've completely removed his number. I am done. I had a lovely night out and I'm annoyed it's been tainted by his shitness.I'm hoping it's just the alcohol.

I am so sorry other people have been through this. It really is soul destroying.

Thank you for the messages about a female counsellor. I have to say it never occurred to me. I do like my counsellor now though. It's online and I think he 'gets' me. He wasn't saying I needed another man. Just that perhaps this guy wasn't the right kind of guy for me. I need someone different. I like him because he was really clear there was nothing 'wrong' with me. Which isn't what my ex said.

But I'm feeling positive. I have a lot of things to keep me busy this weekend. I hope you're all doing well. I wish I could be of more help to anyone else going through this. You're not alone x

OP posts:
nonoyoyo · 13/05/2022 23:51

@Strawberrydelight55 I just wanted to give you a hug. I'm so sorry. I feel your pain and I totally understand you. I wish I could make it go away.

Sending you big hugs and strength. You can do this. I'm also here for you x

OP posts:
SophSoSo · 14/05/2022 07:58

Don’t be too hard on yourself for trying to contact him OP x

Im struggling today, three weeks of no contact and I’m starting to realise he won’t ever contact me again. I don’t want him to, I just want him to be hurting too. I want him to miss me.

Within a week he was back talking to other women, the whole reason we fell out was because he said he couldn’t trust ME. My crime was arranging to go out with friends.

To be discarded like I meant nothing after I gave him everything really hurts.

Strawberrydelight55 · 14/05/2022 08:34

Don't beat yourself up. About 10 days ago when my ex didn't send my money over and ignored me when I said about him fetching his things, I ended up sending a heartfelt email. Told him that I just wanted to get things sorted for good so we could both get on with our lives. It seems so strange as my ex has his important paperwork at my house which includes his birth certificate and passport. He has his jewellery here and photos of his mum who has passed away. It originally came to stay at mine when he was worried rhe bailiffs would come from the council. But mostly its not stuff they'd take. So it's remained baffling to me. He will be moving soon. He's awaiting a coucil property.

People have told me to box it up and dump in back at his. But it's 3 miles away and I don't drive and to be honest I can't even face going to his street. It would break me I think. Its been over a month now since I last saw him and the bonds broken.

He still watches my prime account. He has left me blocked everywhere though. I see the games.

What's your ex doing in terms of contact? What made you split? Can I ask what your pattern is like? My ex only fell out with Me if I questioned stuff. But he was very hot znd cold too. Its like we were together but it didn't feel like we really was. Its hard to explain.

How are you feeling today? You contacted him because you have alot of questions. I have questions too.

Did you ever love me?
Was you using me for money?
Was you never over your ex and using me to fill a void and wind her up.
Why didn't you try and sort it?

My birthday in April 2021 he had fallen out with me at that point. He was screwing someone else from tinder. I spent my whole birthday hoping he'd message. Then this year 3 days before my birthday I find out he's messaging his ex emotional stuff. On my actual birthday he messaged to moan and complain his electric had gone off and he had no fags. I was so relieved he was talking I went rushing down in a taxi and bought him everything he needed. He said to me I haven't got you a card or present sweetheart but I will! He got paid 2 days later and we had a Chinese but then 2 days after that we split as I tried to tell him I didn't feel enough since seeing him and his ex talking.

I mean can you imagine not getting the person who's financially helped you and fed you for 8 months a birthday card? If you was so skint you couldn't afford a gift. You'd still get a £1 card and write down something meaningful. But nope. I was in the dog house so he was not at all jnterested.

He owed me 100s and 100s when we split. The day we did split he gave me an envelope with his money in he'd earned that week. He said there's £360 in there take all of it as I know you will help me. We ended up rowing and I called to him I'm taking that money because I need it. I left him £90 and took the rest. He owed me alot more. I was struggling at that point. He told people I stole that money without asking.

Your mind will be going mad at the moment. I know you have a therapist already but what's helped me is mu therapist helped me do a mind map of facts and it took all emotion out. With that I learned

*he was bad with money and irresponsible.
*he was selfish and put Himself first.
*he was rude, didn't listen to others.
*he was dishonest
*he kept women in the equation.
*got others to sort his problems.

It also helps me to write emails and save them. Not to ever send. But just to journal my feelings.

Sorry this is long.

nonoyoyo · 14/05/2022 18:29

So sorry people are struggling too. 

@SophSoSo I know what you mean. I think it's the callous way narcs just drop you. Mine will be on to his next source of adoration. He treats his teenage kids like slaves it's quite depressing. I think knowing it's him helps me. He is incapable of seeing anyone else's life/feelings. He's utterly selfish.

@Strawberrydelight55 sorry it sounds like you've really been through it. Can you block him on prime? I know it's hard. I really do. But cut him off. You don't owe him anything. I know what you mean. Sometimes I write out stuff about how angry I feel just to get it out. And remind me how much I actually can't stand him.

Feeling a bit low today. But maybe a bit of the post alcohol feel. Tired so had a nap. But found more emails in my sent folder today and deleted them all so hopefully his name won't come up as a suggestion when I type something.

Going to apologise now as I don't think the paragraphs are going to work again!

OP posts:
SophSoSo · 15/05/2022 11:33

I see your paragraphs don’t worry 😊

SoulGuardian · 14/07/2022 18:57

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