To not want to socialise or be friends with an ex

[EL2022]

It's 15 months since the ending of my five year relationship and it's taken me a good year to see the light again. I understand everyone has the right to end a relationship but he did it in a cold and callous way, then told me I could call or text him anytime, which I haven't done as I want nothing to do with him and don't want to be his friend. We used to do an activity together with a group of friends, which he continues to do, and they've tried to get me to join them and him again in doing it, which also involves socialising etc. I've refused as I don't want him in my life at all, but am enjoying doing this activity by myself or with one or two others. Am I being pretty or is it okay to not want my ex in my life?

Completely up to you if you don't want to

It's completely up to you and definitely not unreasonable. I haven't stayed friends with any of my ex's although luckily we never had the same friend groups so I was never likely to bump in to them

It’s OK to not want him in your life. It’s absolutely OK.
Stay strong.
Your group should be more sensitive about this.
Seems like you’ve worked hard to find a way forward post relationship.
You are not being petty. Stay away from him.

You're not being petty or unreasonable at all. Some people you can remain friends with (I am friends with a few exes) and others you would rather never see again, especially if the breakup was bad.

I don't blame you at all. You seem to have worked really hard on yourself to get to the place you are at now.
Stick to the boundaries youve got in place . I've only stayed friends with one ex and that's because he wasn't an arse and it wasn't a nasty breakup.

It's absolutely fine. My ex I am still friends with, the one before that I can never look in the face again. Every circumstance is different.

It's completely reasonable. You have absolutely every right not to want to socialise with him and your friends need to respect this.

My perspective on this is that if anyone has treated me badly and not apologised or shown any remorse (and this applies to friends as well as romantic partners) I devalue them in my mind and can't ever feel close to them or trust them again. I don't have a blanket ban on being friends with exes, in fact I am friendly with some. If someone treats you with respect and consideration there will usually come a point where it no longer hurts and you can both put it behind you. But it sounds as if this guy has just been an arse and why would you want an arse in your life?

I wouldn’t stay friends with any exes as I don’t want to but this is why I never date people in the same circle

I'm not friends with any of my 3 exes, nor do i ever want to have any interaction with them again. Clean breaks ar best imo.

I really don't want him in my life in any way, no matter how much time has passed, I don't want to be his friend, but I think my friends are thinking it's 15 months now, just forgive and forget maybe.

@EL2022 your friends are wrong why should you have to forgive and forget

Exes are exes for a reason.

A agree that clean breaks are best.

Well you aren't stopping them being his friends. Its reasonable to choose who you want to socialise with for yourself

I bumped into an acquaintance from this activity at the weekend, who I haven't seen since breakup. She said I must return etc, why should I lose out. She asked for my number and said let's meet up soon with other acquaintances from this activity first, then return to doing it when he'll be present. I gave her my number but the fact is, I'm doing a lot of work on myself and have started to do this hobby with a completely new set of people and have no intention of returning to old group, and I don't even want to meet this woman. I know she'll probably text soon. Please help me to be more assertive and how to politely decline.

Please help me to be more assertive and how to politely decline.

"Good of you to think of me, but I do the hobby at XYZ now, so I'm not missing out - thanks again."

"Kind of you, but I'll stick with my new group, as I don't want to run into Ex."

If you were able to find a way to continue your hobby without having to see an ex constantly, that is ideal . Remaining friendly generally means being able to take it in stride if the groups happen to bump into one another on occasion, it doesn’t mean having out regularly. .

Best piece of advice ever: Do what you want.

Is the only reason you don’t want to meet with this person and a few others from the group because you think they’ll try and twist your arm to re-join the bigger group?

If it is, what about - “It would be lovely to meet up with you and a couple of others from the group again from time to time but I absolutely do not want to see my ex again in any way, shape or form, ever” ?

It’s lovely that they do want you to rejoin (but I do understand why you’d rather not). I’ve actually been in the same situation myself and that ^ is pretty much what I said! … BUT, I did want to keep in contact with the others from my group, just not him.

I would probably go and just pretend he didn't exist, but I can be quite rude to people who have hurt me. 😂You aren't unreasonable to not go though, just be honest and if she messages, tell her you aren't willing to forgive his behaviour and don't want to be around him at all, so you won't be joining the group again.

@DatingDinosaur Is the only reason you don’t want to meet with this person and a few others from the group because you think they’ll try and twist your arm to re-join the bigger group?

Yes, that's it. But I've made up my mind and know I don't want to return, so thanks for the good advice on how to word it. I'm trying to be more assertive overall in my life since breakup.