Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years. He's 26 I'm 25.
Brief background... we got together in 2017. I was sexually abused as a child and for work I was dating men for money (nothing sexual, dinner dates, business events) we were talking but not together, he found out and knew that one of the guys I did end up seeing (no money involved I did just like him) anyway he found out went mad obviously and since then I've not put a foot out of line, I really love him. I do everything for him, washing, food, support, family home (we have an 11 month old)
In 2019 we broke up as I found he has never forgiven me and was speaking to his ex sexually, had naked pics of her on his phone, had a fake Instagram following loads of half naked girls etc.
He then pushed me further away, I only wanted a break and I found myself begging for him back. Anyway he slept with his ex girlfriend the one we broke up over. So I then moved on myself and slept with someone, this person is in the military and they have a highly valued job, my partner tried for years to get this job and couldn't and it was his dream. Anyway skip forward 9 months we end up getting back together. He lied about sleeping with his ex until I got the proof. I was annoyed to didn't tell him about the mad I slept with as I knew he would be mad about the guys job it would break him.
He found out eventually. My partners been horrible to me for the last year (he has a horrible temper and I live on egg shells when he's like this) so i messaged this guy, nothing sexual just wanted someone to speak to. Partner found out and went mad, hole in the door etc.
Skip forward to now, I've just found out he's been speaking to a girl every Friday and Saturday night (he's a club bouncer) she's 19. He's lied about being at work to go to a hotel to sleep with her, sent her a birthday present when I didn't get one and I had to tell him to write my first Mother's Day card. He's been speaking to her everyday for 4 months. He's saved her photos she sent him saying he's saving them because she's beautiful, sent her songs that remind him of her etc. This is exactly how he was with me at first. **
*Let me add, he's the first person I've had a connection with and despite all of our rough patches we get on like a house on fire. I truly love him. And like I said despite the bad times we are so close, like best friends. He's said he's been struggling lately and angry at me for the past, he's admitted he has a problem with holding onto anger and that he's thought for a while that he also has ADHD (we've spoke about this years ago not just recently)
*
Im obviously broken, I was so insecure about him doing that job, being around younger girls; not being attracted to me since having a baby, worrying my moods when I'm tired etc are pushing him away.
I've known for 4 days now. He's played it all down to me, I've seen all the messages and photos etc so I know what's gone on deep down he's just playing it down so he doesn't lose me. We hugged and cuddled last night and actually had sex. I felt nothing for him except sadness. I still love him but I don't even recognise him.
*I'm not sure what I'm asking but has anyone ever forgiven someone after something like this? I want too but I feel like a mug, how do I get over my insecurities? I was an insecure anyway but these insecurities are now a reality now that I'm just going to compare myself too I can't stop looking at her photos. Weird thing is she's a huge goth (no offence) nothing wrong with her style but I'm the opposite I have lots of tattoos etc but a bit of a Barbie really!
How do I forgive? How do I move forward? Hand hold? Advice :(*