This is a long one. Sorry if its a bit jumbled, Im very tired 😂
Im early 20s. I had met someone special. He was my tree of protection, I felt like he stood tall over me, I felt safe, someone to lean on, someone to hug, and when I confided in him about what I was going through, he took me away from my mother who has been domestically abusing me and telling me that I deserve it. He told me that I didnt deserve it, and he stood up for me. Something that I feared to do because even the smallest thing would cause her to blow up and leave me feeling on edge. He told me what he thought of me, that I am amazing etc. No one has ever
spoken of me like that before, I felt special, and chosen. Confirmation that my feelings mattered to someone. I felt so relieved.
Despite the abuse I experienced I had quite a nice childhood, and the more he got to know about that the more got he jealous. I wasnt story telling to make him jealous, things would come up in conversation and I wouldnt realise. my mother was always at her wits end due to my special needs and her having no support and although she always had my best interests at heart she was and is truly unhinged, mentally unstable, abusive. He started blamed me for the way that my mother treated me, and then eventually it escalated to abuse. He had turned into my mother. And he is still on her side. He wanted me to be miserable, and even admitted to enjoying upsetting me because I deserved it. He is now just as bad as my mother, swearing, name calling, shouting.
I so desperately wanted to feel close to him. I tried to be intimate with him, i asked for it, i didnt force anything, but because i asked for so long with so much rejection he ended up saying that I was pressuring him, that it was abuse. i ended up leaving him. We still live together but dont really talk as much as we used to. Can go days without talking. But before it got to that point I did try to talk to him about everything. He has twisted everything I have said and done to be evil, and that Im not capable of loving, that i was only with him to be loved and not love. He tells me not to play the victim. He blames me for whats happened, that I had true love, that I left it, so I need to move on. That he wont give me anything, and that I owe him for
the love he gave to me. Ive since found out that all of this has stemmed from someone hes met online and been talking to about me. He admitted it. I dont know who this person is and its impossible for me to find out.
Ive been getting mixed signals, hes been trying to make me jealous with that other women hes been speaking to and going to meet her and talking to her in the am"s . But once every few weeks hell say something to make me hopeful that everything will go back to normal and that well get back together. and then suddenly he makes the same realisation as he always does, that I am evil and not sorry for breaking up the family - Because oh yeah, Im pregnant. and he speaks to them and tells them im sorry, but daddy has to leave, because mummy is evil, etc. I told him I want him to be involved in the babies life, he knows what my beliefs are, that a baby should have a family, but he says he doesnt trust me, that id use our baby against him in evil ways and that hed take them away from me if he could. To be honest Im about 3 months gone, that was the first and only time we had sex, we both wanted a baby. after that thats when this all kicked off. ever since hes rejected me, and ive felt ugly and unattractive. since i broke up with him, hes been making me sleep on the floor. hes been trying to punish me in other ways too, i dont even want to think about the other things he does. I know the situation im in is wrong, Ive been wanting to abort ever since all this kicked off, i feel guilty for thinking this and that Ive sinned, I always thought Id never want to abort, that its wrong. so i havent.
He provides for me well. He doesnt actually want me to leave, he says hes just punishing me and if I give an apology hell stop. ive tried apologising, it doesnt work, he says i dont mean it, so i dont know what he wants. its so frustrating. I have no family, no friends, hes all I have, and now Ive contacted womens aid to stay at a place far away. I dont know what to expect. he knows i want to leave, because I tried to say it was to get a better life in a new area, and he worked out it was to leave him. Hes ramped up the abuse now, the same as before but more extreme and more often. he also says i wont survive, that they wont look after me, that they dont care. they just want to look good. that they have agendas and dont care so long as their life isnt effected. that theres limited funding, that it wont stretch to me. that once im in a council house ill end up like that woman who froze to death whilst her daughter was at school because she her benefits werent enough to allow her to put the heating on. im scared that this will be my reality once im out of the womens shelter. im also afraid of being around women with mental health issues that could effect me, like if theyre dangerous to be around.
Is there a way to save my relationship. I dont want to leave and end up in a vulnerable, dangerous situation. i want to make sense of whats happening and how to fix it!