Me (24M) and my fiancee (24W). I feel like I can't take a step anywhere without consulting with her.

[needadvice11112]

I had a lot of experience (red flags?), but I have never taken in seriously. Since I want your opinion on our relationship (together for about ~7 years, living together for ~5) I would to divide it into points:

1. When we got a dog last year I was giving an ultimatum that when we come back to our hometown (same hometown) the dog will every time stay with her (we both stay at our parents). I am the only one taking care of the dog at our home (she walked him like 2-3 times during the past 3 months). We don't stay together at our hometown (only when I stay at her parents) because she does not agree to divide the time equally (I suggested that if she wants we can sleep same amount of nights at her parents and mine, she was against that). She is in a good relationship with my parents, I am in good with hers. I've also offered that one weekend the dog stays with her and the other time we come back with me. She was also against that.

*I paid for the dog and I also pay for bills, gas, food, going out, travelling etc. (we live in her parents owned apartment)

1. I feel I have no more freedom left in my decisions. She was against that I invest in my brothers business which is profitable and I still did that (only my savings of course). From that it all started going downhill. She is constantly blaming me that I do not consult with her (I don't know if I'm in the wrong here also). Today we got in a fight because in a group chat of my friends (she is also in it and she knows them all) I wrote that maybe anyone want to meet on the weekend (since we were going back that weekend) and she started blaming me that I did not consult with her offering my friends to meet. Basically at this point as I understand that I have to consult my every move and if she doesn't approve it we will go into a big argument.

This leads to: I basically don't have permission to do anything without her. When we were younger (a few years back). My friend was throwing a birthday party (in hometown) and she did not want to go since her parents were sick at that time and she did not want to sleep at my parents. And I said that it's not a problem I'll go alone (it's only couples of my childhood friends, the people she knows). I got the same ultimatum that I'm not going without her and we got into a fight. She later decided she will go together.

extra: same goes for travelling, my friend group was organizing a summer trip to Greece and she doesn't like one girl in the company (which is in a relationship). I got the same ultimatum that she won't be going because of her and that I can't go alone (they're all my childhood friends like come on, a group of 14 people).
I allow her to go everywhere: company parties, out with her friends etc. I'm not controlling at all because I know trust builds the relationship.

1. I got offered to be the best man at my best friends wedding (she didn't get offered the same role because the best woman will be my friends wifes sister). I don't see any issue in that at all since they both picked a person each. But since I agreed we got into a fight again that I did not consult it with her (I felt it was my duty since I got offered such a role in my friends life). How could I said I need to think or discuss it with my partner. Well, she took it as a betrayal and she was very offended by it. I did not turn down to be the best man.
2. We want to live in different cities. She wants to live in the capital and I want to live in our hometown (since it's only 350km away and housing there is 3x cheaper). I work as a freelancer so location for me is not a problem. She only works part time in a job that with most experience you can earn /3 from my salary. But it's her dream to live in the capital and I agreed. We are both close to our families, but I would want to live more near to them so I can visit more frequently.
3. When first covid lockdown began we went back to our hometown (since we were still in university and all classes were remote). She wanted to stay there a long time but I couldn't focus on working living at parents house so I said that I'll be going back to the capital. I was struck again with the ultimatum of breakup if I go alone (even tho we were staying separately). I did not understand that but I didn't go.

Is this trust issue or what? Because I take care of her, we clean, cook together etc. I buy her nice gifts. So basically my issue is that I feel like I don't have a say in this relationship and I feel it's turning into a toxic one really fast. Should I consult taking every step and when she doesn't agree to it do it as she says?

This is a sad situation but I think you already know what needs to happen.
This is not a healthy relationship. She seems very insecure and with this quite controlling. She’s emotionally manipulating you to get what she wants. She might not be doing this to be nasty but instead doing this out of fear of losing you and things changing.
Youve listed so many things that are concerning and bothering you. You need to decide what you want from this relationship. Do you still want to marry her? If so then you need to talk openly with her about how you are feeling and figure out how to move forward. You’re both so young thag this is not a healthy foundation for a marriage.
If you’re unhappy and do not feel the same anymore then you need to be honest with her and end it. It seems like you both want different things for your future. There will always need to be a balance and a compromise in a relationships but controlling behaviour and the desperate want to live in different places tend to be deal breakers

Why the fuvk do you pay for everything? So what it's her parents flat but why do you pay for everything else?
Why does she only work part time?

Honestly, she sounds like a spolit princess who has everyone else supporting her chosen lifestyle.

You are do young. Go have fun on your own.

Thank you for the honest opinion.

She works part time because she was doing extra studies (not related to her bachelor).
I'm paying for everything since I thought it's a nice gesture since I earn a lot more than her so I doesn't hurt me that much. But I guess that through the years it has just became a habit of me paying for everything. And I don't feel right about it at this moment.

Thank you for the response.

I knew a few guys in relationships like this when I was in my twenties. As a woman I couldn't understand it then and I still can't now. It's not healthy, and I honestly believe it's abusive. You are supposed to be partners in life, she isn't your owner. You need to confront her and lay your cards on the table. If she won't change you need to move on. Good luck.

Why are you going to give her 'one more chance'? What are you going to communicate to her that needs to change?

I guess we get blinded with love. I also believe it's abusive, but I won't taking the abuse anymore if any future arguments arise where I am accused of something I'm not doing wrong.

The thing is all these years I just agreed with it and had to apologize for it.

I really want this to work, but as all of you said people don't change like that. I'll talk to her tomorrow and tell all the things I'm not comfortable with and if she is willing to change her approach on my needs/choices..

I felt it's the right thing to do since we have been together for 7 years

What have I just read. Seriously get out now and tell her to F off !! 🙈 don’t give her another bloody chance

I'll try speaking about it first. Thank you for your advice.

‘Blinded by love’-nope, you’re hormone addled DickBlind. The decision making part of your brain is not fully developed at your age. Stop this nonsense.

You were only 17 when you got together, so neither of you have any experience at all of being an adult and single. I bet you don't really know who you are yet. You have grown up and grown apart.

Just because you have been together that long, it doesn't mean it has to continue.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy in relationships.

hi

a few harsh responses but I'm afraid they are all right.

in response to reasons you said 'learnt behaviour'. you need to understand that this will become your learnt behaviour if you don't get out.

I respect your desire to give it a go, lay your cards on the table, set a time limit for change, you are both young, she could change, she could gain insight into her behaviour and modify it. Only you can judge this. BUT - at the moment what you describe is not a happy life and everyone deserves better.

Good luck

She shouldn't be giving you ultimatums. This relationship isn't working on any level. The communication between you both is awful. And you both want very different things.
You shouldn't have to consult her about everything. But there is a balance where you do usually talk to a partner about plans without it needing to be constant ultimatums or asking for permission eg my DH wouldn't ask if he could be a best man but he would tell me about it and check whether it clashed with anything else we had planned. If we both travelled back to our hometown, we'd have a plan for what we were doing and who we were seeing - not that we'd be together all the time.

Why are you still with her?

This is just going to get worse. End it now if you want a happy life.

What are her good points.

Be prepared for her to make all the right noises, and be great for a few weeks, months even. But she'll slip back. At the very least I'd stop any wedding prep.

Get rid. You have both changed since meeting and she’s bordering on abusive/controlling behaviour.

You shouldn't get engaged because you've been with someone for 7 years (or whatever amount of time). You get engaged because you have met someone who makes you happy / you make happy, where there is mutual respect and support and you just make each others lives better.

She has shown you that she is controlling and thinks she owns you in some way. That is unlikely to change by you discussing it with her.

You are young with most of your life ahead of you. Please don't saddle yourself with someone who is showing you that they are going to make your life harder.