Dh recovering and I'm not being as nice as I should be.

[Bunnyfluffles]

DH seriously ill a few yearse back. Luckily he was saved. He's now depressed and stressed always anxious and can't sleep. He finds it difficult to listen . I'm being really selfish but I don't enjoy his company any more. I'm tired of endless negativity. It wasn't until DD talked about going away with mates that I realised how much every day is a struggle for me too, and I am beginning to rely on her for companionship. Obviously I need to create a life of my own. I feel exhausted at the waves of stress off DH. Son seems to be copying DHS behaviour and is now saying no, what's the point to everything. I feel that our lives are closing down. I can't do any of the stuff I like to do - somehow it's alwaysr too difficult. We never go anywhere - it all seems too much of a struggle to persuade son and DH will make it as difficult as possible. Guess I just need a head wobble to get my mojo back feels like I've been trying for years and now am exhausted at trying.. sorry! I find myself secretly wondering if it would be better if he had died. Can't believe I've typed that out loud.
I know I need to tweak my attitude, I'm wondering if we are in an unhealthy relationship
, tips please!

It's understandable that your DH is ill, but it's not okay for this to affect others around him. What treatment is your dh having?

How old is ds? Have school flagged up any concerns?

DH has survived cancer but is also not coping 5 years later, depressed and negative. It almost feels like he has survivor syndrome. Chemo and surgery also badly affected his mobility and so he had to give up work (which hasn't helped his mood as he's not leaving the house much to interact with other people). I feel weighted down by his depression.
However I've asked GP if they can request he comes in for a MOT type checkup and will see if someone like Macmillan have any post treatment counselling service. If anyone else knows of suitable counselling orgs?

Thanks for replying! Ds was offered some sort of group for shy kids which he found patronising and confusing he is 13.
DH gets cross if I mention counseling so I've stopped. I'm concerned for the kids ( dd15) and me, actually. I've lost my mojo. The thing I enjoy doing causes to many rows, tho he was showing off about it to someone. I could do it, is a hobby that makes me feel alive it's in the house, not expensive, but he has occasionally come in yelling that I'm wasting my time and should forget about it. I'm now finding it difficult to do. Aww f.i know I'll have to Ido it anyway. It would just be nice for a positive word now and then.
Sorry. Self indulgence rant!

Thanks rice pudding. That must have been beyond awful for you both. I will ask the GP. He will put it off and say he's ok. But an MOT is a good idea, he is WFH and getting enormous, and like yours not interacting - but becoming convinced everyone is against him.

why not get divorced.
to think it would have been better if he had died, better for whom, for you presumably.
i think you need to separate.

Don't feel ashamed of the "what if..." thoughts. You can't help where your mind goes, and you're under an unreasonable amount of stress. And this is the right place to put such thoughts.

If you don't mind my saying so, he sounds like rather an arse, illness aside. Stomping around telling you your hobby is a waste of time? Shutting down suggestions of counselling? He must know that his prolonged illness has had an impact on his own mental health and the wellbeing of his entire family. I would find it difficult to respect a man who refused to consider seeking help to recover, for his own and his loved ones' benefit.

It's time for him to stop feeling sorry for himself and relearn what it is to care about the people who care about you, in a reciprocal and respectful fashion. If he can't do that, then I don't think I could stay married to him. His illness isn't the problem here, it's his response to it and his willingness to let his family bear the brunt that is killing you.

OP,

It sounds more than negativity.

It sounds like he is very controlling.

Are you working?

Can you get a job to get a break from him.

He is killing your love for him, clearly.

He should not be interfering with your hobby, that is really wrong.

I think you should contact Women's aid for a chat, because there is a bad whiff from your posts.

Your children are clearly being affected by his attitude and behaviour.

You don't have to accept this behaviour.

Thanks Greensleeves. I think I was thinking that but not knowing I was thinking that. Iat the back of my mind I'm wondering if it's unreasonable.

His ill health was not his fault. But it absolutely is his fault if he yells at you over something that isn't harming him and is giving you pleasure. He's the one that needs to give his head a wobble, not you OP! It sounds like you've been so considerate and caring of him for so long that he's started to take you for granted. I think you need to be a bit firmer about pointing out when his behaviour is not OK.

He gets cross if you mention counselling. He gets cross and shouts if you do your hobby. He makes days out impossible or miserable.

That's not depression. That's being an arsehole. Probably a controlling one.

You don't need your mojo, you need him to stop being an arsehole. Either he stops or you end the relationship. That's the choice.

Agree with those saying you need to be firm and tell him that his negativity is killing your relationship. So what if he was ill? According to Cancer Research adverts then 1 in 2 of us will get cancer, for example. Millions of people live with life limiting or chronic conditions. They mostly manage this without being an utter twat to everyone around them and making everyone else's life miserable.

I'd be telling him that he either stops making everyone else's life as difficult as possible and bucks his ideas up or you'll be seeing a solicitor and he can wallow in self pity on his own. It's affecting the children, and frankly he's an adult who should seek professional help if he needs it. If he claims he doesn't need professional help then he needs to grow up and pull himself together.

Stop blaming yourself OP. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

I'm with @MrsTerryPratchett .

He's weaponising his health situation against you. And is a controlling ass.

His life has been shut down some, but he can still do stuff. But doesn't want to, and resents you still having the capacity to enjoy stuff. He is dragging you and your son down.
This is as clear a case of LTB as I've come across here.

Hi @Bunnyfluffles

It sounds really tough on you and the children. Sounds like you need a break and some time to yourself at the very least. Have a read through the info in the link below. It could be really useful to contact your local (see 2nd link) Citizens Advice (there might be a bit of a wait in the phone queue) and they can help you get a Carers Assessment, look for respite care for your hubby, check you are all getting the benefits you are eligible for, plus they will know what local help might be available to you.

All the best
Hugs
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/carers-help-and-support

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/search-for-your-local-citizens-advice/

What was he like before?
Illness doesn't magically make someone a good person. It can exacerbate any existing tendencies.

I am in a similar situation to you OP. I dread every day as I know it will be exactly the same as the day before. I love the fact that DH sleeps til nearly noon most days. I am made to / feel guilty if I want to do something for myself. He actually told me I had obviously given up on him when I insisted on meeting a friend for a coffee!
I have given up work to care for him, and often hope his situation becomes bad enough for him to be hospitalised.

I do love him, but the man I love seems to be absent a lot. I do resent my situation quite often.

You are not alone OP, make time for yourself, if he days your hobby is a waste of time, tell him it's lucky he doesn't have to do it.
I have become more selfish, and I think you should too

Is your DH seeking any help at all for his depression, anxiety, stress and sleep problems? Has he discussed any of it with his GP? Is he taking any medication? Is he doing any "self-help" measures such as exercise or meditation?

@Hadalifeonce
Are you and your husband claiming PIP and Carer's Allowance?
It seems risky to give up work to care for him, but if you're claiming CA you will at least get National Insurance credits towards your state pension.
You don't have to do it, though. You could go back to work.

I am lucky that I have a pension, DH is still currently being paid, but it's been 6 months soon, so I am not sure what will happen then.
To be honest, I don't care about the money, we have enough to feed ourselves, I just want my DH back

I'm being really selfish but I don't enjoy his company any more

Healthy people do things for themselves.
Selfish people do only things for themselves.

Sounds like you've done plenty for him over the years; when is it your turn to have him do stuff for you?

Hadalifeonce the only way I've kept my sanity as a 24/7 carer is to join a couple of local groups (dog walking - I borrow my neighbours dog!) and bookclub etc and take some time for myself every day for an hour. Also gives us something to talk about other than medical stuff or what's in the news! DH was not impressed at first but I ignored the eyerolling as I need it to be able to maintain my own happiness in order to support him. But after so long I'm struggling to support us both and need him to find some way to help himself. I've given him the Macmillan number so will chivvy him to follow it up!!!

You don't sound selfish at all. Your DH sounds selfish. He wants to control what you do, to stop you doing a hobby that gives you joy, to affect the whole family with his mood. The fact thatyour DS is now copying him is worrying, and I think you should seriosuly consider divorcing him, for your children's sake if not your own (but also your own!).

How much time do you think your husband spends worrying about your feelings? Whether you're happy? In fact he's actively making you unhappy. Have you told him that? Are you able to discuss with him that he is making you miserable and affecting the children too? Does he care enough to do anything about it?

Life is far too precious to waste on being with someone out of obligation or guilt. You have no reason to feel guilty and every reason to free yourself and show your children how life should be lived. It's the best gift you can give them.

Thank you all. I'm Sorry not to reply earlier, lost my phone! I'm also sorry to hear that I'm not the only one! Hadalifeonce, massive hugs, and to all going through similar. It sucks!
I wonder if he is controlling, , I thought he'd changed but I went out Saturday night. I did warn him and it was just 2 hours but Iwas surprised to get a ,' and you went out' comment. I also realized I now don't do any hobby at all, it's too much effort to argue. Or it feels like it is. Then I've got it wrong and it will be fine!
Divorce has sounded appealing over the years. I wouldn't know how- I've got hardly any pension just half the house. Cannot begin to imagine the turmoil and arguments divorce would cause! And of course, the kids would hear all that.
I need to strike out on my own, and be more selfish, you are right hadalifeonce and Billy . Certainly being the main steadying thing of the family and running the home is not doing my MH any good!
Thanks everyone it's good to not feel so alone. I hope you are all ok and have a good day.