mumsnet probably kept me out of jail, DH being an absolute arsehole (sob)

[briarrose]

Hi everyone, if I didn't have mumsnet I would probably be under arrest for torture and mutilation (of DP) what a complete arsehole.

I lent the car to my stepdad over a week ago because his had died and he couldn't get to work. I'm at uni (don't drive anyway) DP is unemployed so we didn't need it, plus, my step dad has helped us out so much in the past, with money when we are skint etc and I wanted to repay the favour. DP has been on my back about it all week, and it blew up in spectacular fashion today. I got called all the names under the sun, names I don't even want to type here, he followed me round the house all day shouting, swearing, name calling, even when I practically begged me to leave him alone.

I ended up having to call step dad and tell him I couldn't let him have the car any longer, leaving him in the shit and making me feel like shit.

DP has thankfully gone to get the kids, but i'm still shaking, scared of when he gets back.

DGMW he's not physically abusive, he's just got a nasty mouth on him, and he doesn't care what he says in front of the kids.

He hasn't properly worked for 10 years, even though I have worked since DD2 was 6m old, it's times like this when I really resent him for it.

I don't like arguing anyway, so I just shut off, he then follows me around shouting and winding me up, saying that i'm just trying to wind him up by ignoring him. I know he's at the school now telling all to other mums which I hate, he insists on involving others in our arguments, telling me he thinks all my friends should know what i'm "really" like.

I get so upset when he rows, he says such personal insulting stuff, stuff he knows upsets me. Is that what normal couples do? am I just being a baby? cause it's not OK in my book.

At one point today, when I was trying to iginre this tirade I logged onto mumsnet and divided my time between alternately telling him to go away/ignoring him, and answering other people's posts. It made me feel so much calmer, and at times drowned out his voice.
This meant that my planned murder fizzled out to me just throwing my filofax at him (i'm not proud)

grrrrrrrrr

I'm angry and upset, I really don't like this side of him

Hi Briarrose, I am REALLY glad to hear he apologised and perhaps more importantly said it wouldn't happen again. I hope that he really has learned from this. I do think that it is possible by learning yourself how to stop the "dance" you can have a knock-on effect on him.

I think about the car he is just acknowledging that your reasons for lending it were the right ones and that he doesn't mind lending it now that he has effectively been consulted. It was probably a pride and respect issue.

If you can persuade him, I think counselling could really help you both.

Pages I am convinced you work in psychology or something because you are spot on you know! That is what he said, that he realised why I had lent the car and felt it was right to do so after what had happened.

But more importantly I have indeed learned a lot more about myself and my role in all this. Although it does not excuse his carry on I can fully appreciate my role in the dynamic. I really do think we have come out of this better than we were before, because we have learned valuable lessons in communication.

I think I may not have realised all this was it not for feedback from yourself and others on this thread. I know in my heart that DP is not actually an abusive partner, except for these particular situations, it is reassuring to know that there is a solution, and yes, I guess it is time I stopped reenacting childhood situations.

I think it is possibly THE worst argument we have ever had in the whole of the relationship, but it has also yielded a positive result.

If Mumsnet ever realised how good these online counselling sessions are they would probably charge a fee!!

Really pleased Briarrose that there has been a positive outcome.

Have just read far too many self-help books - and been through similar myself.

It is very positive when you can use the bad experience as a tool for learning and growing together. I read somewhere once that relationships are the best mirror of ourselves and I really think that's true.