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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Preparing to leave DH

6 replies

Textbookqueen · 12/05/2022 14:35

I've had my fair share of problem with DH. But it's all coming to a head lately, where the vast differences between us are becoming more apparent and his unsociable, sometimes plain rude, ways are becoming inexcusable.

He's always disliked my mum so their relationship has been uncomfortable but ticked along okay for the occasional get togethers.

More and more lately he will avoid them altogether, and when she came over the other night he gave her one worded answers while staring at his phone , when she was only trying to find common ground conversation with him. It was rude and embarrassing.

He's not always been supportive of me working since having DCs but working was important to me so I stuck at it and it meant me have to work opposite shifts to look after the kids (as he doesn't want my mum looking after them and he's not too keen on his own mum having them).last weekend I asked him if he could take a day annual leave as I was down a shift (this was a mistake with the rota planning and was mostly my mistake) instead of being supportive in his rejection of taking a day off work "because of x y z" which I would have respected, he was downright rude about it. I offered my mum to look after then he said no.

I brought one of DC friends back with us after a play date at the park as I had planned a mini spa for my girls and the friend wanted to come too .... When we got home I asked him nicely to go and sit in our (very comfortable) kitchen so I could turn the living room into their spa ... He was horrible about it and made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.

He's generally okay with planned play dates for the DC, but maybe as this one was sprung on him blah blah blah

He hardly ever attends social events with me, I attended a wedding last year alone and likely a wedding this year I can see me attending alone.

Whenever my best friend is round it's awkward and uncomfortable, he makes no effort .

He's critical of me and micromanages me particularly about housework. The other day I was opening a can of tuna and it fell on the work surface splashing tuna water up the wall, I carried on doing what I was doing knowing I would clear it up once I had emptied the tuna into the bowl - he immediately said aren't you going to clean that up , I said yes , I cleaned it up and then a minute later I caught him inspecting my cleaning . I called him out on it and said I know what you're doing you're checking to see if I've missed a bit, he said no I'm looking at what needs to go in the dishwasher (absolute bullshit)

This is all just in the past week which has seen us now not talking to each other (but it started with the day off/work thing)

Our arguments can last weeks, it's normal now to not talk for weeks.

While we are not screaming and shouting at each other, the not talking is draining, and puts a lot of pressure on me for the DCs, as it's like he steps back when we aren't talking.

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm seriously planning leaving him in my head.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/05/2022 14:42

You are in a highly abusive relationship.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

Tell your family and friends the truth and adk for support.

Get any financial paperwork together and look at housing.

You and your children will be better off living away from this awful man.

You are ALL being abused by him.

Your poor children in that environment.

You all deserve better.

Wayfairtwo · 12/05/2022 15:18

Your relationship sounds so draining. I'm glad you're preparing to leave.
Don't procrastinate.
It won't be easy but your and your DC will be better off.

Zemw · 12/05/2022 15:25

What an awful man.

Get on with the plans and leave/get him to leave ASAP.

You are doing the right thing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2022 15:32

Continue further with your plans to leave him by seeking legal advice re separation and divorce. This is a terrible environment also for your DC to be growing up in and it will affect them markedly; they are likely to be walking on eggshells aka living in fear too.

brandnewdayreset · 12/05/2022 15:40

You can leave him, you don't need permission. How would he react if you told him you wanted a divorce?

DenholmElliot · 12/05/2022 16:20

Yes that definitely sounds like a relationship that's dead. I'm not surprised your planning to leave him. Good luck 🤞

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