Weird friend

[Shybutnotretiring]

So I have this 'friend'. She never waits to be invited but just announces she wants to visit (usually stays one night). I can put her off but she will go on about it so I'm forced either to say no I don't want you to visit (I've never had the guts) or just capitulate (I always do). Then the moment you've agreed a weekend she starts becoming difficult. The traffic is too bad/too hot for the dog so she wants to come midweek (I work full time and am single mother of two secondary school children, plus the house is small, only 2 bedrooms). She informs me that she will need to work during the evening when she visits (we both work from home). I have told her that I have to take my DS to his dad's on that evening which will take 2 or 3 hours, but that didn't put her off. Why is she like this? Is it (a) she is just plain weird; (b) it's a power play, 'my time is more valuable than yours' - I've noticed when she starts working if I get on with my own stuff rather than sitting there like a lemon she promptly snaps shut her laptop; (c) she's an unhappy person who feels a bit better if she's messing someone else around??

That does sound very strange. If I wanted to go and visit a friend I wouldn't want to visit at a time where they would be busy with children & I would need to be workimg that evening

Surely the whole point to spending time with a friend is to relax and enjoy time together so that would be at a time when you are both fully free

I would tell her next time that mid week isn't an option for you as its too disruptive to your routine with the children on a school night

A better question is why do you let her? Why not say NO?
CF push and push all the time until someone tells them NO.

It's a), b), and c). Just tell her "no, that doesn't work for me." Stop apologising.

You could also go with:
"I'm not allowing house guests at the moment."
"oh. Why not?"
"I'd rather not discuss it."
Then HOLD YOUR NERVE.
Once you've told someone you're not discussing something, all you have to do is hold the line. If they try something like "Well I think you're very rude!" then you reply "Okay." Then you keep your mouth shut.

With cheeky fuckers like this, anything you say can be twisted against you and weaselled into you somehow agreeing to their demands. So you shut the discussion down.

Doesn't sound like you'll miss this CF much?

It sounds like a weird kind of insecurity, testing you to see how much messing around you’ll tolerate and prove to her that you care. But of course the trouble with people like this is they end up pissing everyone off.

Do you even want to keep her as a friend? She sounds miserable to be around. You can say no, it’s your house. “No, I am not free then.” After all, you wouldn’t do this someone else, would you - you’d expect them not to like it. She’s not being reasonable.

You'll never know why unless she tells you, and even then, would you trust her?

Why are you trying to dissect the motives of someone you don't understand, who disrespects you? Just walk away.

It's time to stop doing things you dont want to do!! Find a way of getting out of it. I dont like people coming to stay. When people are cheeky and ask, I say no and why. You have put 'friend' in inverted commas, so that says a lot. You could say you're busy at work, you're tired at the weekend, you're doing work round the house, anything. Just stick up for yourself.

WiFi is down /you are decorating /you work a chat line every evening /ds has Covid /chicken pox /no space /heating is broken /aren't up to hosting /etc. Get creative.

Apart from the rest of it which is bad enough, the work thing is outrageous! She wants to do some work while at yours, but you’re not allowed to do your own work, in your own home, at the same time and have to just sit and wait? WTF? And she does an offended flounce if you try? That would tip me over the edge I think!

I do sympathise with not having the guts as I spent decades appeasing really difficult family members and feeling guilty if I stood up to them, even though they didn’t care about how I felt. But I eventually found the courage and you know what, it wasn’t, and isn’t, as scary as you think. People who manipulate and control in this way depend on people who are scared to be rude. But when you do stand up to them it feel great and you realise you are being totally reasonable and they don’t have a leg to stand on.

Practise saying “No, that’s not good for me. No, I don’t want you to visit any more because of your demanding behaviour. No, I’m not having you to stay.” honestly it will stand you in good stead. Standing up to users and disrespectful treatment does not make you mean or a bad person - just a person with boundaries and self-respect.

Op, I could give you a long list of things to say to her but you won’t. Your “friend” is a miserable bitch who likes to spread the shit in her life on to everyone surrounding her and allowing her to do so. It’s a power game stemmed from her own insecurities. Put up with he nonsense no more and block her. You’ll feel much better. And count yourself lucky you don’t live close to her.

Do you want her as a friend and do you want her to visit?
I have friends who make suggestions then change the plans, I think they know I’d turn the invitation down if they were truthful but it is harder once you’ve said yes.

This has reminded me of someone I used to know. She would also ask to meet up then always want to alter it in ways that I found attention seeking. So we would arrange 10, and then she would say, actually can we make it 9.45, would that suit you better? And it sounds small but she would do stuff like that repeatedly until it was tedious planning anything with her. I gave up in the end as I couldn't trust what she said. She had different stories that she would say to different people and I had had enough.

My DM was like this. Nothing was ever easy and she did it to everyone. It was attention seeking and exhausting.

You need to tell her that you are busy each and every time.

"Hey Sandra, last time you came you had to work in the evening and really people staying the night doesn't work for us very well. Would you like to meet up in X Town one evening, go to theatre/out for a drink?"

Thanks for the replies. You're all right, I need to seriously woman up here. I think the real trouble is that no, I don't like her any more and don't want to be friends (that sounds so childish!). But I lack the gumption to get rid of her (she is really persistent about ringing etc). It's an unusual situation for me. Usually I am the socially awkward one that people fade off. If only I had the guts to print this thread and send it to her. Also, she would act all wounded helpful person if I gave examples of why I think she is awful.

RoseLunar you have particularly hit the nail on the head with this:

It sounds like a weird kind of insecurity, testing you to see how much messing around you’ll tolerate and prove to her that you care. But of course the trouble with people like this is they end up pissing everyone off.

One great thing about lockdown was that she couldn't visit, but sadly she's back with a vengeance so I need to grasp the nettle now, in particular because the 'friendship' makes me feel like such a fraud.

You have the perfect and obvious reason not to accept her visits as you have 2 small bedrooms, and you and two secondary age children living there. Aside from the other stuff, that alone is a perfectly good reason to refuse her coming to stay over. 'We simply don't have the space and it isn't fair on the children as they're getting older'.

Any friend who tried to push after that is just being pushy and awkward, and you shouldn't feel bad about standing your ground.

If you can’t bear to talk to her (I too hate confrontation), message her back with the ‘I don’t want you to visit me anymore, it’s stressful and not convenient’. Refuse her calls.