Can't leave

[broccolicheese]

I posted on here a while ago about my husband and had my eyes opened to the fact that I was in a controlling relationship. I've spoken to a local charity that WA referred me to but it's been difficult to get hold of them, they wanted to take my husbands details which I wasn't comfortable with, and I did speak to someone who was really good but I had to cut the call off because someone came to the door and I don't know how to ring back or what I'd say because I've said it once?

I started seeing a counsellor, I clicked really well with her but even though she says I am experiencing emotional abuse, she seems to want me to stay with my husband. Everytime I bring up leaving him she says things like "do you have to leave him though". I'm starting to feel a bit stuck in the counselling because all we're doing is talking about him but I don't feel any closer to being able to make any changes. It's partly my fault because I'm very good at seeming calm and in control on the outside, even where I'm falling apart on the inside and I don't think I ever come across how desperate I am with it all.

I feel like I'm looking for permission all the time, or validation that things aren't right even though I know they aren't. I rang my doctor to see about antidepressants and he asked me if my husband was supportive and I almost broke down and said no and begged for someone to help me. But help me with what? I could leave him tomorrow if I wanted to. I just don't. No one else can do it for me. I wish I'd left him years ago when things were "worse" but now I just accept everything and live in this numb state, things aren't as volatile and emotional and it feels impossible to leave.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain by posting, just a handhold maybe or to feel less alone or to feel like there is some light at the end of this. Everything feels so hopeless at the minute, I feel so trapped.

Handhold here, we have your back and many of us can tell you there is a bright future within your grasp.

If you can't be honest with your counsellor you need a different one.

Deep in your heart do you understand what is stopping you from leaving? (you don't have to tell us if you don't want to but we'll listen if you do).

It's a common lie on this forum that there is a binary of either leaving or suffering. There is actually a third option of working on your relationship and changing things for the better.

There are many reasons why relationships fall into a rut, and rarely are people purely evil. Usually they just have specific negative characteristics, and/or don't deal with situations healthily (eg anger management problems). But most people can change for the better.

It sounds like you might need a specialised counsellor who is an expert in domestic abuse? Where did you get your current counsellor from?

@astrosurf he's definitely not pure evil. He has control issues stemming from a bad childhood himself. He’s not a bad person, but he point blank refuses to work on these issues, he’s happy with himself and doesn’t want to change, what else can I do?

@denholmelliot from the BACP website, it said they did relationship issues but I don’t know if they’re an expert, there aren’t loads in my area to be honest and they all say they do a lot of things.

@ladygardenersquestiontime I can be honest with her, I think it’s with an issue with me that I can never get across just how bad I feel. To anyone. I think I’m quite a polite and friendly and smiley person and no one ever takes me seriously. I never could bear the idea of anyone know how I was feeling on the inside so I got good at just smiling and pretending I was okay but when I hit rock bottom I was so good at pretending to smile that I can literally say the words about how depressed I am, but no one believes me.

I think what stops me from leaving is I’m so scared of the unknown. I don’t know how he will react or what he will do, if he feels like he’s losing control. But I’m not just scared of him, even if he took things okay, what if the grass isn’t greener? I’m scared of being alone for the rest of my life, of things feeling worse than they do now, of being even more lonely, of regretting it for the rest of my life.

Do you understand that the OP is in an abusive relationship?

Do you think that most abusers can change for the better?

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime Also, I wonder all the time, what if I'm wrong? What if he is a really good person and I'm the abusive one, thinking all these horrible things about him? What if I get really bad karma for the rest of my life for being so horrible to him and thinking all this stuff, and splitting up with him and making him miserable, when he is in fact the "good" one and I'm the "bad" one

Ive contact womens aid myself. This is what Im worried about, that I wont get validation. I dont want them to have their contact details either. I dont want to take any action against anyone. I just want to leave and start a new life for myself knowing that Ill be supported

@AstroSurf while I agree it's possible for anyone to change if they want to, OP has said "he point blank refuses to work on these issues, he’s happy with himself and doesn’t want to change".

@broccolicheese could you show your counsellor what you've said here on this thread? I can hear how miserable and anxious you are.

I remember your posts about your husband.

You are 100% in an abusive relationship there is no doubt at all about that. In fact your post were some of the most frightening things I’d ever heard.

I hope you’re ok OP and you’re right, you need to make that decision to leave him nobody can force you. You also need a trauma counsellor not a relationship one.

Also to add in, it sounds as if you’ve developed an element of OCD due to your trauma from him. This happened to me in an abusive relationship too. Read up on Pure-O OCD type, the what if questions and not trusting yourself is what makes me think this

What validation do you want?.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave him. You also need a domestic violence/trauma based counsellor; not a relationship one. I do not think you are wrong about your H at all; he is the abusive one here. Your fear is apparent on this thread as you've name changed within it.

I feel exactly like this OP. I know my partner bullies and gaslights and controls me but I feel like I need more and more validation to leave the longer it goes on. I just want someone to tell me I have to go to make my mind up for me. I keep waiting for the next 'incident ' and think ok, I'll leave after that when I have total confirmation that its him. But I always end up questioning myself and feeling guilty for leaving, feeling like people will think I'm not justified in doing so or that perhaps he is right and I'm the toxic one. Although I know anyone can leave a relationship at any time, I just feel I need permission from others, as if my own feelings and wishes aren't somehow as valid. I tell people close to me the things he does and they all say leave, then I dont, and I feel silly, as if they must think I'm exaggerating because surely if it was that bad I wouldn't stay. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this too.

You sound so anxious OP, you are allowed to make your own decisions. You need a DV Councillor not a relationship one.

"Although I know anyone can leave a relationship at any time, I just feel I need permission from others, as if my own feelings and wishes aren't somehow as valid".

When you write others, do you really mean your parents?. Are you seeking their approval even now as an adult?. I say them as other people have indeed advised leaving yet you have not (and for all sorts of reasons not least of all fear of him and fear of the unknown to name but two).

Why do you think your own feelings are not as valid?. Who installed that erroneous belief into you?. Your current H perhaps but this may go back further than him.

Who cares what other people think; they have not lived in this relationship with him like you have. Your divorce may be remarked upon but many people get divorced these days and every day and for all sorts of reasons.

Also, I wonder all the time, what if I'm wrong

Have you had a look into where this sort of feeling stems from? Were you made to doubt your decisions as a child? Were your thoughts and feelings over-ridden?

when he is in fact the "good" one and I'm the "bad" one

The whole reason people stay in unhappy relationships is self-invalidation; you know it feels horrible to stay, but what if you're wrong to feel that way, and you 'should' be happy? The fault in this thought process is that there's something/somebody external, who is responsible for telling you whether you're doing it 'right', by the 'rules'.

There are no rules, OP. You are wholly free. Nobody has any right to judge you for leaving, and anybody who judges you in a way you're not comfortable with is someone to leave behind, just like your husband judges you and your counsellor is judging you.

The only rules are your own feelings, and those, and the way that you express them, is what makes you who you are. Somewhere along the line, you have been told that your feelings are wrong, and that you need to think better of them.

Where did this come from? It might help you find a solution if you can find the root of the problem.

@Zemw I really feel it. I'm so on edge all the time, and just worrying, and tense.
I’m having nightmares and can’t focus on anything. How do you find a trauma counsellor? I looked for one in my area on BACP and my current counsellor was listed there.

I am scared. I'm scared of being like this for the rest of my life and I'm scared to leave and I end up feeling just paralysed with fear to do anything, and so just end up not leaving and still dealing with all this.

Have you said directly to the counsellor 'I want to leave him'? I wonder if she is reflecting back your indecision, rather than suggesting you stay with him? Could you start a session by saying 'I want this therapy to help me to work towards leaving my abuser, i want to focus on that from now on' so that you are crystal clear the role you want the counsellor to play? If she keeps trying to suggest you stay with him once you've declared your wishes, then yes, you need to find another counsellor. Then start your new sessions saying that you are in therapy to help you work through how to exit this abusive relationship. Then the purpose of the sessions is clear.

I'm so sorry you feel like this too. I could have wrote this as well. I keep waiting for the next incident too, or wishing he would leave me, or (and this is so awful to admit) but almost wishing one of us would die because even if it was me, at least I would still be free from him in a way? It's so awful isn't it. Have you tried any counselling at all?

Please don't let me put you off. So many people have such good experiences with them, way more than bad. I didn't have a bad experience with them myself, I just daren't ring them back.

@broccolicheese thank you. I haven't had any counselling, but I have spoken to women's aid and have an appointment coming up. I go so far towards leaving, physically and emotionally, then panic about the unknown, breaking up our family, even guilt and worry about him being lonely and sad. But he's had so many chances to make changes. I always stay with people way past their sell by date, putting up with more and more and I'm a huge sucker for sunken cost fallacy too.

@AttilaTheMeerkat nail on the head, I have a really deep seated need for approval from my mum and feel huge guilt if I go against what she would want me to do. She's spent years victim blaming me and telling me not to antagonise him, but recently she's done an about turn and is desperate for me to get away from him, but I still can't do it!

I know this thread is old but god I reasonate with so many of the posts on here. Scared of staying, scared of leaving. Worried that I'm the problem not him. Stuck in an awful cycle of wanting to leave but not being able to, feeling like friends and family judge me for staying when we all know he's abusive. Don't know why I'm posting on this thread but I literally could have wrote it myself and just feeling so stuck.