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Relationships

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Original poster

New baby mostly alone, will this be ok do you think?

15 replies

TomahdSaf · 12/05/2022 12:04

DP is likely to have to work away three or four nights a week when baby is here.

ideally he would leave Monday morning, come back Tuesday night and leave Thursday morning, then come back again late Friday. But he may have to do an extra night away. In either instance as a bare minimum he is hopeful he will have a ‘flexi day’ in the week where he can be with us and take the baby largely off my hands for that night before/that following day.

I am mostly worried about his relationship with the baby, will it be impacted? Will a weekend dad and a day in the week be enough for them to know each other? I’ve had mixed responses from friends, some do say that if I’m breastfeeding and he gets home at 7 anyway then it won’t make much difference. Others have commented on how I am likely to resent him etc.

It is technically possible for us to relocate with him but in doing so I will double the distance from my family and as they are retired it’s likely I could see them one day a week if I stay where I am. I’m also in familiar surroundings which sounds silly but feels like a huge thing to me. I don’t think I would cope well being plonked in a new place while DP was at work all day. I don’t have masses of friends in my current area but I know the place very well so feel confident with silly things like which shops to go to and where to meet people.

just looking for advice from those who have kids and know what it’s like.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 12/05/2022 12:10

For the first few months the baby basically wants its mum so no, it won’t impact the baby’s relationship with the dad although the dad may not feel quite as bonded.

However I’d be more concerned about how little support you will have day to day. Some babies are easy, but even the easiest babies are quite hard work and if you have a Velcro baby who doesn’t sleep well you’ll be exhausted doing all that on your own.

Could your family help at all so you at least know when you can sleep? If your husband is working away is there anything in the budget to pay for a nanny or someone for a few hours a week / overnight to help?

Id also be setting out the division of responsibilities when he’s home, it will be very easy for you to fall to be default carer/ housekeeper even when he’s home so make sure that does not happen

Whoatealltheminieggs · 12/05/2022 12:15

My dd would not tolerate her dad only me for about the first 8 months of her life and he was around a lot! At 18 months she’s now a proper daddy’s girl and I might as well not exist sometimes. It won’t effect their relationship and you will manage

cherrymax · 12/05/2022 12:15

Neither scenario is ideal but people do manage. Personally I think I'd rather stay near my support network if they will be a support.

I'd also make lots of effort to get out and about and make some parent friends. They'll be invaluable if you find some good ones.

Is there potential to change his work situation so he's working closer to home?

Hintofreality · 12/05/2022 12:17

Many Fathers work away, and many will do in the future. Do you think they all have inadequate relationships with their children?

AskingforaBaskin · 12/05/2022 12:22

Stay near your support system.
Many an army brat have gone months without a Dad and there is still a great relationship.

But you could end up with a clingy colicky baby and that's when you'll want your family

Original poster

TomahdSaf · 12/05/2022 12:23

I would probably be able to afford childcare for half a day a week or perhaps even overnight with a nanny just once so I would have a few hours freed up.

my family would meet and I could probably rely on them coming over every two weeks for a day but they wouldn’t get involved in childcare they’re just not like that and it wouldn’t be consistent.

I think I feel guilty as I know DP would love it if I agreed to up sticks and rent somewhere with him. We could rent the current place out. The thought just makes me feel sick. I want my home as much as I want DP around and I am not sure how I would handle him working all hours while I wait for him to come home…I feel like I may as well be somewhere I know and feel at home if he’s going to be working long hours. I suppose I am hopeful he will pull his weight when he’s back. He’s a good man and I’m sure he will.

I really want him to have a good relationship with the baby and that worries me a bit.

OP posts:

Geranium1984 · 12/05/2022 12:24

Agree with the post above. The baby should be fine but you might struggle with all those full days and some nights on your own.
When my boy was little and not the best sleeper my husband used to be 'on duty' from 6-8am and take the baby when he woke so I could get more sleep and have a shower. My husband would also bring me breakfast.

Again, in the evenings he would help with bath time and get cooking dinner whilst I was feeding/settling our son so we could be in bed for 9pm.

This was all largely possible as he was working at home due to covid.

If your husband is away for the majority of the week I think you will want to arrange family or perhaps get a mother's help to come in and help you for a day or two half days. Take the baby while you nap or cook a meal/washing etc. It will all build up. It is crazy how little you get done with the baby.

Since my boy started weaning (which adds to the mental and physical load) we ended up getting a cleaner who also cooks us a bolognase or chicken pie or similar once a week which means we have a couple of nights to properly wind down and not have to think about meals and washing up.

Hintofreality · 12/05/2022 12:25

All those saying she may struggle with the baby on their own, how did you think single parents cope. They do.

AskingforaBaskin · 12/05/2022 12:36

My daughter is almost 3 and has had a brilliant loving Dad every day.
She has only just started really choosing to fully engage with him

But she did tell him not to look at her the other day.
If you become isolated your MH could really suffer

ShirleyPhallus · 12/05/2022 12:40

Hintofreality · 12/05/2022 12:25

All those saying she may struggle with the baby on their own, how did you think single parents cope. They do.

You’re saying that single parents don’t struggle with no support?

I don’t think that’s true at all. I’m sure that they cope, but I think that raising babies is really hard and doing it on your own is even harder.

GreyCarpet · 12/05/2022 13:12

Not all single parents struggle. I was a single parent at 24 with no support whatsoever and I didn't struggle. I didn't worry though about routines and just got on with it.

I laterarrid and became a single parent again with a second child. I've actually loved it amd, tbh, glad I did it alone. I'm in a elationship now children are older (23 and 16) but not all single parents struggleamd it's not something to be scared of.

Besides, she isn't a single parent, she has a husband who is working away for part of the week. Not the same thing at all!

OP, you'll be fine x

NerrSnerr · 12/05/2022 14:22

My husband has always worked away for quite long periods. My children are 7 and 4 and they have a very good relationship. He does pull his weight when he is around (and does most of the carers leave etc when he isn't away as of course it all falls to me when he's not here).

The hardest ages for me were between ages 1-3 (especially when I had a 2 year old and was pregnant). Once the youngest turned 3 it got easier and now it's not too bad. The thing I miss the most is not being able to pop out to the shop without having to drag two children with me and being able to share school runs and activities.

The working away benefits us- he gets overtime which pays for me to be part time and only work school hours so it has definite pros!

WTF475878237NC · 12/05/2022 14:28

All those saying she may struggle with the baby on their own, how did you think single parents cope. They do.

^ I'm sure they do but how many are single parents from newborn? And what's wrong with OP thinking aloud here?

I'd be less worried about the bond and more about how exhausting it can be in the fourth trimester with little support. If you're bf you basically could do with someone else feeding you, cleaning, shopping etc so all you do is cluster feed and bond.

BookFiend4Life · 13/05/2022 06:00

The baby will be fine, you're going to be tired OP, and your DP may feel distanced from the baby and like he isn't bonding the way he wants to. So build in regular video time etc where he can see her. And if you hire help/have family support you should use 100% of that time to sleep.

Zapx · 13/05/2022 06:17

I really wouldn’t worry about your baby, they’ll be fine. I would worry a bit about being alone a lot with the baby- at first it’ll prob be fine as the baby will sleep a lot, but having your family visit once every two weeks is not comparable imho to being able to hand the baby over to dad at 5/6pm so you can get a break from baby? I’d think about moving. However, if you’re going to be renting, you could always see how it goes? You might find it’s fine!

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