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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to think

22 replies

Undergroundoverground3 · 12/05/2022 07:02

I’ve been seeing someone for two years. Both in our forties, both divorced with young DC. We work in the same industry but at different companies, but our companies come together on projects. We have an exclusive relationship, spend 2-3 nights a week together, know each other well, saying I love you etc.

we are in the same hotel in Africa for a project at the moment along with various other people we both work with. We have been working very hard so haven’t had much free time to be together, and many of the meal times have been provided by the two companies so we have been in big groups. He has, however, come and slept in my room every night.

Yesterday late afternoon (about 4) after quite a busy day and early start,, we came to my room and chatted, had sex and fell asleep. We had dinner plans after having a nap just the two of us. When we woke up about 6pm, he said he had decided to go back to his room and sleep alone. I asked him why. He said that he thinks he’s ill. I had noticed earlier that morning he felt very hot, and I touched him again in the bed and he was burning. I said I wanted to get him paracetamol or a drink or anything and I’ll bring it to his room. He said no need. I’m just going to go now, and got up and left.

that was at 6pm last night. I cancelled our dinner plans and sat in my room all evening watching tv. I sent him a text saying if he needed anything I am here and to call me any time. No response. He has not even been on WhatsApp since he left the room.

I’m not sure what to do. On one hand I am concerned (of course - although I’m sure he is just sleeping it off) but on the other there feels something inside me which is saying that he does not see me and our relationship in the way that I see him. My brain keeps telling me that if the relationship was as serious as I thought that he would let me know he was okay or feel intimidate enough with me to let me take care of him.

it’s now morning here and I have still heard nothing. I am just going to get on with my day but it’s a bit of a sharp contrast to the last few days.

what do you think?

OP posts:
Flowersandwine47 · 12/05/2022 07:10

Please go and check on him. You've been together a while you should be able to go and see how he is

heldinadream · 12/05/2022 07:11

Yes, don't think about this in the context of your relationship, just find out if he's ok. He could be really ill, that's the bit you need to focus on right now.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2022 07:12

You are sharing bodily fluids with the man, it’s ok to go and check on him

PurpleDaisies · 12/05/2022 07:14

It just sounds like he’s ill. Go and check on him. You are really over thinking this.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/05/2022 07:17

I think he's ill and probably asleep or feeling like shit. Go check on him.

DotBall · 12/05/2022 07:18

Gosh I’d be wondering if he was still alive, not whether the relationship was in trouble! Will he be missed at the work events, could his manager ask the hotel to check on him?

RubaDubMum89 · 12/05/2022 07:28

I'd go check on him but I wouldn't think too much deeper about it other than he is ill. I've been with DH 10 years, but still when I'm ill I go to bed and want to be left alone. It's just how some people are. I hope he gets better soon!

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/05/2022 07:33

Eh?! You have an otherwise good relationship and he is obviously ill. Some people just shut down a bit when they don't feel well, it has no reflection on your relationship!
I think tbh you should check on him and stop overthinking.

NerrSnerr · 12/05/2022 07:55

You need to check he's not seriously unwell. Once you know he's not seriously unwell let him be poorly in peace. Some people want to be left alone when unwell and that's not about you, it's about him.

KangarooKenny · 12/05/2022 08:13

You are close enough to allow him to put his penis in your vagina, and leave his bodily fluids with you. It’s ok to knock on his door to check he’s ok.

SmileyClare · 12/05/2022 08:20

I'm just going to get on with my day Confused You're taking this fair too personally, you seem almost pissed off. He has a high temperature and is not going to be his usual self. Most people retreat inwards when ill.

Check on him, or inform his manager. You're the only person who knows he has a fever, and you're in Africe so it could be a nasty bug.

PriestessofPing · 12/05/2022 08:21

I think you’re being a little silly to make this about some statement regarding your relationship when you don’t even know if he’s ok! Go and check on him first, worry about the relationship later.

EBearhug · 12/05/2022 08:21

You're in Africa. He could have picked up a tropical disease. He needs checking to be sure he's okay and doesn't need medical attention. The rest of it can wait.

simoncowellsdog · 12/05/2022 08:24

I think you need to go check he's ok 😳

Nothing you've written says anything other than the bloke is poorly and, given that you're in Africa, could have a nasty bug that needs medical attention ASAP

UnintentionallyRidiculous · 12/05/2022 08:26

Please check on him. Get the hotel to access his room to check if you can't contact him, he could be very ill.

When I'm ill I like to be left alone. It's nothing personal and doesn't mean I don't love my husband.

AntarcticTern · 12/05/2022 08:28

Did you go and check on him OP? I hope he was ok.

Original poster
Undergroundoverground3 · 12/05/2022 08:33

i just went downstairs for breakfast at the hotel and he is there eating with a group of colleagues.

I went up to him and he said he had slept 12 hours and feels much better now

i feel silly now

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 12/05/2022 08:34

This all sounds very needy and insecure. Perhaps your brain when into overdrive during the night, you're away from home etc. Hopefully you can see things more rationally this morning.

I honestly don't think this about you.

SmileyClare · 12/05/2022 08:39

Cross post sorry Op. That's good news. Perhaps explain to him that you were concerned and would have appreciated a quick text this morning letting you know he was ok.

I wouldn't tell him you had a night torturing yourself that he didn't love you or whatever! Hey ho, we all lose our heads sometimes when we care!

Try not to over think it, you've had no issues in your two years together.

Opentooffers · 12/05/2022 08:46

Time to stop thinking about your fragile ego and making it all about what he thinks of you. He could be very ill. Everyone's first thought, who cares for someone, is to check they are OK, but it looks like yours was to do a 'poor me'. You might want to work on your insecurities, they obviously exist, but don't let them override doing the decent caring thing.

Opentooffers · 12/05/2022 08:47

Sorry x post. Glad he's OK.

Watchkeys · 12/05/2022 10:25

if the relationship was as serious as I thought that he would let me know he was okay or feel intimidate enough with me to let me take care of him

But if the relationship was that close, you'd be waiting until he was better, and then talking to him about it, rather than consulting a forum, wouldn't you?

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