Can someone previously dependent on alcohol drink in moderation?

[Gammonandchips]

Ive recently split up from my partner. When we met he was a high functioning alcoholic but physically dependent on it. I didn’t realise this until I was in too deep because it didn’t really affect him in his day to day life. When I realised, I helped him and supported him to come off the drink so he was no longer drinking every day. After a few months he tried to drink socially but for the next year or so it was a tug of war, me seeing him slipping but him thinking he was managing it. I had been on the verge of leaving him many times over his drinking. I told him I had had enough of it just after Christmas just gone. Since then he has been having maybe 3 beers twice a week and has been doing well. We have since split up for different reasons, because he doesn’t want to get married again (he’s been there done that) and I have never been married and would like that with someone one day. I’m just wondering how likely is it that he can now just drink socially after being an alcoholic who drank every day. Half of me worries that without me around he will slip. The other half of me thinks after everything we have been through together I’ve left him at the time he seemed to finally be getting his act together so should I have stayed? Or if I had stayed is it likely he would have spiralled into drinking everyday again eventually?

He is not your responsibility, if he slips, he slips.
The thing is, you re going to spend your life together watching and waiting for him to fail.

@KangarooKenny I know, I did feel relief when he was doing well but then my heart would sink at times when he opened a beer early afternoon. I just feel like I’ve left him when he was doing well and it’s confusing. Alongside the fact I am worried he now has no support.

The odds are against him managing without slipping back into dependency, but it doesn't matter - he isn't your problem any more. Work on detaching from him and moving forward with your life. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

@pointythings thank you. I am trying to detach and realise I am probably saving myself a life time of pain. I was just wondering if it’s possible for someone who was previously dependent to moderate long term. I know he’s not my problem anymore but it hasn’t been long since I left so I still care about him .

if he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking at all.

Thankfully you’ve managed to get away from him but you need to continue to stay away from him. He is still drinking and alcohol is controlling him, he has no off switch. His primary relationship is still with drink and not you and it’s never actually been with you.

You in turn are codependent and have been in a codependent relationship with him. You have enabled him and you will not help yourself or him if you go back. Let him go completely now, he is not your responsibility. Contact Al-anon and get support for your own self.

"We have since split up for different reasons, because he doesn’t want to get married again (he’s been there done that) and I have never been married and would like that with someone one day."

Sorry OP but even leaving his issues with alcohol aside, you aren't on the same page.

AA will advise and support partners of alcoholics, please contact them ;-

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

@AttilaTheMeerkat I won’t go back now I’m out. But I can’t just switch off my feelings for him. I care about him and would hate for him to undo the good work he has done. If he can now go days without drink and is no longer physically dependent on it does that not mean he’s in some sort of control?

like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Did you grow up seeing alcoholism at home or amongst relatives?. What attracted you to this man?

Unless he himself wants to address the root causes of his alcoholism it will always control him. He will always be an alcoholic and he is still very much an alcoholic now. Like so many he remains in denial of his alcoholism and you played out the usual roles in such a relationship I.e codependent partner and enabler.

I had this discussion with some psychologist colleagues who work in addiction services.

the research and general consensus is no.

If he is an alcoholic he won’t be able to moderate for long and will be back at previous levels or more before long. I am in recovery and learned this the hard way. Every time I tried to moderate after several months of abstinence I ended up drinking more. The saying one is too many and twenty is never enough really is true.

Look up codependency OP. Do not look back.

It is very hard to detach from someone you have loved, especially if you have left because of an addiction problem. I completely understand your feelings; it took me a long time to get over the feelings of guilt over making my late husband leave. I didn't feel guilty over his death, but I did feel guilty over not feeling guilty over his death - a loved one's addiction really messes with your head. Stay strong, work through your feelings and if they get on top of you, perhaps get some help from a support group.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking I know, I left because we weren’t on the same page. I know he probably couldn’t offer me much in the way of a future with his own battles. I think it was a bit of a way to justify to myself leaving really. I just hope this doesn’t result in him going back to his old ways.

I am pleased to read that you won’t go back to him.

The alcohol still controls him and its a cruel mistress. He is still drinking and I would also think he is badly underestimating how much he is drinking too. it’s ok to care about someone because you are a nice person but in this case you caring for him is more about meeting your unmet needs of trying to fix, rescue and or save him. Acting as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works as you have now seen.

I also think you mixed up love or him here with codependency.

If he relapses (which he already has done)or otherwise goes back to his old ways again it’s not your doing or your responsibility. you could not have done anything either to prevent that from happening, love is really not enough.

@AttilaTheMeerkat there isn’t any alcoholism in my family and I didn’t witness any drinking issues from childhood. I just happened to meet this man, we clicked and like I say I didn’t realise his issues until I was in too deep. I know it’s not my fault if he relapses but it’s very hard to apply that logic when you love someone. @pointythings im sorry you have had experience with this too.

Yes, likely he'll drink more now that the person telling him not to drink is no longer around.

And yes, if you stayed, he'd likely spiral down because it doesn't sound like he's prepared to just stop and properly fight his addiction - there will always be an excuse to overdo it just one time, and another,...

Separation is hard. Even when you know it's the right decision. Stay strong and give it time.
You deserve good and uncomplicated, you deserve the marriage and the wedding. Hugs.

@puddingandsun thank you. Yes it is hard but I also do know it’s the right decision in all aspects. You’re right, he wants to try and drink in moderation and have a constant tug of war rather than completely stop and fight the addiction. I know I need to let go and try and concentrate on myself. Hopefully as time goes on I will be able to do that x

As a sober alcoholic (was physically dependent), I'd say no, long term it's not possible.

I'm hugely of the belief that while I might manage to moderate for even long periods, my consumption would slowly increase, the reliance return, and a slow decline would happen with old habits repeating.

I work with people, some of whom have alcohol issues. My answer is that no, they cannot moderate.

He may be doing well now, but it may not last.

What struck me about your situation is that his problem was quite serious by the time you first noticed. That's the actual reality.

Now he's just dancing with the problem. It's not fixed.

It's a real shame, when someone who could have been so good just isn't. I think you're saving yourself from a life dominated by alcohol.

I'm going through a split too, money issues. Could have been so good, but wasn't. Otherwise a lovely man. Distraction and letting the days go by is helping x

He’s constantly fighting the urge to have more and that urge gets stronger and harder to fight when he has a little bit. It’s only a matter of time.

Agree with everyone else (am a recovering alcoholic myself) but also would like to add if you've split up you have no idea how much he's actually drinking?!

My husband had no idea and we lived in a 1 bed flat at one point.

He's likely drinking waaaay more than you think.