is this the rest of my life?

[Oliviapope54]

DH and I have been together 7 years, married 1.

I have an anxiety disorder so this may explain it but I’m having some trouble with one thing and need advice.

around 4-5 years ago, when DH had just moved into a flat we bought together, there was a time when I woke up one day and noticed a stain on the bed where he’d slept. It was red in colour and I immediately thought that it was from a shirt or something and the dye rubbed off. DH didn’t give it much thought, we didn’t change the sheets straight away and I didn’t think much more of it. I do remember thinking how DH didn’t have any red jumpers though and whilst he fell asleep in his clothes that night as he did most, they were of a non-red colour.

Cue 2 years ago and I saw a post on Instagram from St Tropez joking about fake tan on bed sheets. It instantly triggered the memory and made me panic. I don’t wear fake tan but I also don’t live under a rock. But it made me start wondering if he’d cheated on me in our bed. There’s a few issues here: 1) my memory is fuzzy 2) I’ve always been anxious about cheating due to my ex and my brain always goes to the worst case in any event but it didn’t back at the time and I forgot about it 3) whilst not impossible, seems unlikely he’d be able to get a girl round / if he did it’s odd I never heard (we were young 20s).

the thing is, I will never know either way. I have no concrete memories or evidence of the incident but every now and then (roughly every other month) I remember it and become extremely anxious.

Do I just need to put it behind me or is this really going to haunt me for life? My anxiety disorder means I cling onto these things. I’ve been to therapy which does help but ultimately I can’t change who I am. Is the only way to move on to split?

We have a happy relationship now. During this time 4-5 years ago though, my anxiety was awful and I was constantly seeking reassurance from him. I was pretty toxic verging on abusive at times so it’s possible he could have sought solace elsewhere but equally it could be all a side effect.

please help.

You are really never going to know, I would try to work on your relationship and work on your self esteem. If that’s the only thing in 5 years

You need to put it behind you. The chances that the only sign of cheating you would have noticed were a random reddish stain on the sheets, are vanishingly small. Other things at the time would have most likely aroused your suspicious. You don't even know it was fake tan (which is usually browny orange stains not red). It could have been something he'd brushed against, blood, anything really.

You need to put it behind you. It could have been anything. Blood, something on his skin he didn’t even realise was there - who knows? If he says he didn’t cheat on you and can’t remember what it was would that seem shifty to you? Because no way in hell would I remember what may have caused some smudge on my bed 5 years ago which I didn’t notice at the time.

He may have been bleeding rectally. He may have been eating in bed and spilled. He could have spilled something at another time. Had you had sex when you still had period blood lurking around, which transferred from his penis to the sheet?
It could literally be anything

There are loads of alternative explanations. Spot on his bum that he’d scratched, who knows. The fact that in 5 years you’ve had no other reasons to suspect anything, despite you clearly looking out for reasons to be suspicious, is enough to suggest the red stain was nothing.

The issue here is not the red stain, it’s your reaction and the fact you’re still thinking about it 5 years later. I don’t know how to help you let it go, hopefully a good therapist could help, maybe CBT? I do know you need to learn to trust your DP and not go into anxiety spirals if your relationship is going to survive.

I have a friend who’s in a relationship like this, her DP tracks her phone and does all sorts as he feels he can’t trust her and is scared she will cheat or leave. She has never cheated and never would, but the irony is she may end up leaving because of the controlling paranoid behaviour.

Well done for (mostly) recognising that this is in your own head.

Sounds more like piles that fake tan. Hake tan is usually brownish and not a big defined stain, more a sort of rubbed look - and he could have been wearing a touch of fake tan himself.

It's black clothing that gives off red. I'm sure there was another thread like this.

Fake tan stains are not red. They’re brown to bright orange in colour. I think you need to stop looking for extra reasons to be anxious here.

You need to deal in facts, not fiction. You've made up this whole story of him cheating. It's fiction. There's no evidence. The stain could have been anything.

As others have said there really isn't any evidence he has cheated. Why would you leave him if the relationship is good.

I disagree counselling can help. Its not about changing who you are but about finding ways to manage your thoughts/ anxiety or notice triggers. I think cbt would be of benefit. If you think it doesn't work then you either haven't found the right counsellor or didn't try the right type of therapy e.g. cbt.

I don't think it was fake tan OP

Oh OP you do need to move on from this. You cannot live your life this way. If he is still making you feel insecure, perhaps look into that rather than focus on what may have been in the past.

But i do want to say that my dd had new trakkie bottoms which she fell asleep in. They marked her duvet cover, probably from sweating.

Fake tan stains will be brownish / orange not red. You are torturing yourself with this. Without real evidence - pls try to let it go.

Please let it go - your partner sounds quite innocent it could of been anything even a drink stain or blood or whatever.

Stop over thinking it it will do you no good.

Fake tan doesn't leave a red stain. Please get help for your anxiety OP before you damage what sounds like a good relationship.

Fake tan doesn’t stain like that. It’s more of a dirty type of stain.

Forget CBT, you need therapy targeted towards your obsessive thinking. It’s horribly exhausting for not only you, but those around you. Those powerful feelings of anxiety you say you experience are just awful for you. You can recover from this