Help… can I have a sense check please?

[Daisybear23]

Hi everyone… So as the title says, I need a bit of a sense check with regards to issues with meeting a friend, my daughter is 16, and I’ve always had a very strict co-parenting schedule and luckily have avoided any non-emergency scheduling issues!

So, I have a long-time friend who currently lives on the other side of the country.
Now my friend has 1 son, who is 8. We are fairly close and speak on an (almost) daily basis.
Twice in the last year I have found myself in her city either for work or socialising. Both times I mentioned it to her either 3 or 4 months beforehand, she suggested meeting up, and we have spoken about what we’ll do in the intervening period, and both times she has let me down 1/2 weeks beforehand with some vague ‘oh I’ve got my kid that weekend/day’.

I know that she has a fairly informal custody arrangement with her ex, and from what she’s told me about other plans, she seems to have no issue moving things around any other time.

Now, I will be visiting her city again soonish, and I am in two minds about mentioning it to her! I’m just trying to figure out whether I am in fact being a bit oversensitive, or would this come across as being a bit flaky to you, if you weren’t being given much of an explanation for the cancelled plans? Harsh truths are welcome!

I had a friend who didn’t ever want to meet in person but did like to maintain the friendship. She once admitted she was embarrassed by her weight gain which was really sad.

Id probably mention I was going to be in town but wouldn’t hold your breath.

Wow @MatildaTheCat I was going to say exactly that! I've bailed on friends for this reason! I gained about 20kg in the last couple years and can't bear to see people that I may not have seen for a while.
Not sure, if this is the case, how you would know or whether you can make her feel at ease about it.

Could you make your own plans for when you are there. Then if you feel like it mention that you happen to be in town once you have already arrived. Then it’s no biggy if she can’t be free. Maybe it’s about not making her your priority and putting yourself first.

If you're going for work or to socialise with other people then maybe she doesn't actually feel like she's letting you down. She obviously still wants to be your friend otherwise you wouldn't talk most days. Could you not visit her at her home if she has childcare issues, has that been suggested?

Pretty sure if she had gained weight and speaks almost daily to OP she would have made comments about her weight gain. It would have been known as most women tend to talk about weight and food.

It sounds like she feels you aren't visiting specially for her and have your own plans and since you talk almost daily she feels there is no need or have much to say if you met in person. It's not like you are missing each other. If meeting up in her home she might be embarrassed about it and if it's out and about she may be trying to save money? Or perhaps your meetings end up taking several hours or involves alcohol and she doesn't want to drink?

3 or 4 months ahead is a long way off and anything can happen particularly when you have dependents.

I think you are being oversensitive and have plenty of contact already.

As pp said make your own plans and let her know. If she joins you, great if not then keep it as it is or do a slow fade.