Sex life after having a baby

[newdad2]

I'm a newdad to a DS 7 months old. DW BFs at night and co sleep. Cot is in bedroom. I love being a family man - tried for 7 years before we got lucky with successful pregnancy. We have been together 13 years and got married a year and a half ago.

I gave up good job cos of stress and DW got pregnant soon after, but I feel good for doing the childcare. DW is main breadwinner. She expresses at work as well. I admire and respect her to the max for the physical, emotional and mental strength she has.

To the point:
We have made love 3 times since DS has been born. First time DS woke up staring at us - we stopped . Second and third times were basic quickies. I miss DW sooo much. We have not been out as a couple and I tried to go cinema and a meal but DW would not be persuaded. She said 'cos she works during the week she wants to spend all her time with DS - as I have him during the daytime.

We have extended family support. I have tried to talk to DW about it but there is no time during the day, weekends or at night. DS is the main focus. TBH I'm a bit afraid of broaching the subject - it seems so selfish of me to do so. I just feel that DS is getting a little older, less dependent on milk feeds and we have family support. DS can be looked after for a couple of hours while DW and I have some time to ourselves for some intimacy.

When does it get better?

Three times in 7 months?! Thats good! For a while, DS will be the main focus, I cant say when it will get better, its a personal thing for each couple. For us, it took about a year.

It does get better newdad.
As you have family support and your dw expresses then its really important to try and get some time for the 2 of you,even just out for a coffee say over the weekend during the day, if evenings are difficult
Please try and talk to your DW, she isn't a mind reader , and you must share with her how you feel and that you miss her. It isn't selfish of you to want to bring up the subject, just be very gentle in your approach.
It does get better honestly, good luck

newdad2 - bless you, you sound like an understanding bloke! I couldn't face having sex with my poor dh for the first 3 months (had a bad tear etc..) and the it really took me a good while to feel even vaguely like having a normal sex life again - i can so clearly remember feeling this odd feeling inside of struggling to get my head around having this little baby who seemed to take up all my emotional and physical energy and wondering if i would ever really feel like having sex again..
i do think its important to try and go out together alone (my dh really had to persuade me on this and i was probably a bit arsy about it ) but he was patient and persistent. Think when you become parents its important to remember that for the longterm happiness of your dc, them having parents with a happy marriage will be really important, so still investing in your marriage is vital. I guess trying to gently talk to your dw about this might be an idea?
Tbh i think my "normal" sex drive only returned after i stopped bf when i look back on it (this was at about 10 mo) - sure this isn't the case for lots of women though.
Certainly i found it a whole lot easier when ds wasn't in our room any more! felt like our space again.
All the best to you

Why don't you get to talk at night?

Can you make sure your meal is prepared during the day and then DS is tucked up at an early hour so you can some together-time?

Do you sit down to eat together with no TV on? Order in a take-away to compensate for not going out? (I do!)

Can understand DW wanting to spend time with DS - but surely not when he's in bed?

I didn't leave my PFB with a babysitter in a hurry... but didn't regret it once I'd braved it!

Have you left DS with anyone during the day - so he's used to it? Maybe that would put DW's mind at rest.

I suppose you'll have to broach it soon - happy marriage = happy children. It's not selfish of you.
HTH

I'm sure if she's working full time she IS missing your son sooooo much - that bond and pull is really something you know!!

I suggest that you take her and your son out at first. Don't try to seperate her from him like this right now, it's obviously an issue for her - maybe she feels guilty for being a working mum (I know and you know she shouldn't, but maybe she does!!). Is she feeling a bit left out, if you are with him all the time?

So why not first do things the 3 of you. Get that close famiy unit going. Reconnect with her through your child. Use your shared love for your son. Then you might find the two of you can go from there, and she'll be happier for you to leave him with a family member and go for a coffee, or have someone come to the house and take him out, while the 2 of you stay at home together. Build it up slowly.

Hi PCat:
Thanks for that I am sure that I can hold out for a year if it comes to it.

I imagine it was a gradual thing to build that intimacy back??

At the moment it just seems it isn't going to get easier. I don't want to fall into a trap of resenting DS. It's a bit of a joke in the extended family that DW and I were 'joined at the hip' before DS was born and that I would get jealous. I'm not jealous. I just miss my DW.

L'boo
Thanks for the support. I will talk to her tonite about these things. If it's not convenient I will suggest a walk in the park at w'end (weather permitting). DS usually falls asleep in his sling or pram.

You know, it's not even the lovemaking that I miss so much, it's DW and being a couple.

My DH became frustrated too, he understood why, and was supportive nd we talked, but he was stil frustrated and could not see it getting better either. But it does. We have little family support, they live in USA, and we still find time to us, but it took as I said until DD was a about a year or so, I think for us to feel confident in our parenting skills enough to become us again sometimes. We go to our own 'restuarant' when we have been working (our kitchen!!), get dressed up, eat nice food, drink nice wine, but not expect sex (well honestly, DH always expects it but doesnt always get it!). Just enjoy your time, whether it happens or not. Just when you get down to it, chances are your DS will want something anywa, be prepared to pretend you cant hear for a bit!!!

Now, we dont have sex as much as we did before, most of the time, then sometimes we have a few days of sex whenever we can! DD is 18 months.

My DH became frustrated too, he understood why, and was supportive nd we talked, but he was stil frustrated and could not see it getting better either. But it does. We have little family support, they live in USA, and we still find time to us, but it took as I said until DD was a about a year or so, I think for us to feel confident in our parenting skills enough to become us again sometimes. We go to our own 'restuarant' when we have been working (our kitchen!!), get dressed up, eat nice food, drink nice wine, but not expect sex (well honestly, DH always expects it but doesnt always get it!). Just enjoy your time, whether it happens or not. Just when you get down to it, chances are your DS will want something anywa, be prepared to pretend you cant hear for a bit!!!

Now, we dont have sex as much as we did before, most of the time, then sometimes we have a few days of sex whenever we can! DD is 18 months.

Feel sorry for you newdad.I suppose i am lucky that after both of our children things have gone back to normal quickly and our sex life is same as before. Maybe DP wouldnt agree with that tho! LOL. I wouldnt be happy myself if we had only had sex 3 times in 7 mths. I know many women dont resume normal sex lives for ages for various reasons though, but i wouldnt feel happy with that personally. Sometimes i think you need to make the effort even if its the last thing you want to do cos you end up enjoying it! iTS a shame to lose the intimacy.

How often is the baby feeding at night now? Is the baby not ready to go in his own room yet, or is he feeding too often?Things will be much better when he is eventually in his own room.

Its a shame when you have got the help of family that you are still getting time together.

OMG thank you all for you advice. I'm new to this mnetting business and you have all been so helpful.
Thank you F'lights your perspective has been most enlightening. Mrs C'tape:all those practical suggestions are in place. H'cate: Yes my DW has a bond that is broken through working (like a lot of mothers). Ideally I should take up work and she be the caregiver. But I intend to change careers (starting again with a massive pay cut). We just cannot afford that scenario. DW may be resentful of that. Please keep looking out for my updates as I could really do with the support. I will talk to her at least by the weekend. This is not the kind of stuff blokes talk about so my mates would be useless at this stuff (most are single and footloose at the moment).

OMG thank you all for you advice. I'm new to this mnetting business and you have all been so helpful.
Thank you F'lights your perspective has been most enlightening. Mrs C'tape:all those practical suggestions are in place. H'cate: Yes my DW has a bond that is broken through working (like a lot of mothers). Ideally I should take up work and she be the caregiver. But I intend to change careers (starting again with a massive pay cut). We just cannot afford that scenario. DW may be resentful of that. Please keep looking out for my updates as I could really do with the support. I will talk to her at least by the weekend. This is not the kind of stuff blokes talk about so my mates would be useless at this stuff (most are single and footloose at the moment).

Oops posted twice - told you i'm new to this mnetting.
P'cat: now that you mention it, we do have 'our restaurant' - been going for years. We've been once as a family. Great time and the staff really took to DS. C'electra- (is that really you?? lol) seriously, Health visitors concerned about DS weight gain from 4th month so DW paranoid about his weight soo BFs throughout night or 3 times a night (11pm, 3am and 6-7am). We were going to have a roof/ loft conversion but with the change in our circumstances - not going to happen for a while. We will have to convert the study back into the second bedroom and give a whole of stuff to charity. DW was talking about this only last nite. He will eventually have his own room but when?? I need to add that DS is a very content child. I'm sure this is due to the co sleeping and he will 'say' (whine) when he is ready to go into his cot. B'bun:
My DW is tired, I really don't know how she does it! She has a strength that is to be admired. DW talks about 'me time' which she has sometimes in the wee early hours. I think she may be feeling the strain more now than usual. I will support her as best as I can. Going to check on DS now, back soon bye all and thanks for you help.

Yes its the real me.

Your wife must be knackered, i am and i dont get up no where near that much and im not back at work yet!

She had to go back to work after 3 months (foreign company where uk maternity rules don't apply). Actually less than that in practice cos DS was late coming by 12 days). So yes, she is knackered and still does what she does. The more I think about it the more I feel I need to take a cold shower when necessary! I spoke to her at work just now and she is up for a walk in the park at weekend. It will give us chance to have a chat (even with DS in tow). I think the idea of doing things together as a family at first will be the way forward then gently ease the idea of doing couples stuff later.

newdad, you're doing well tbh, dp and I haven't had sex since 2006, count your blessings and welcome to the world of parenting!!!

Well, w'end went relatively well. DW agreed to a trip to cinema for mid week . I think the deciding factor was that she is a real Jhonny Depp fan. Besides DW has Wednesday off for DS appointments. MIL agreed to babysit.
Had a walk in the park with DW and DS as usual but I was feeling a 'new intimacy'. DW and I also spent time in the evening just watching a pay per view movie (haven't done that in ages) and cuddling. However, it meant we did not get to bed until 2.30am (with all the interruptions with DS).
DS ate very well so DW less stressed. He sat up from lying flat for the first time .

Bad news: I turned my ankle badly carrying the car seat plus DS.

If the cinema is scrapped I am planning to give DW I really good massage. (I massaged DW for 6 hours straight during part of her labour. DW said it was really good and better than the tens machine - I felt quite chuffed!).

We have not had that 'talk' yet directly. But I am gauging a general feeling on DWs part that we ought to spend some time together as a couple.

It seems to me judging from everyones posts that this 'intimacy' thing is a real issue generally - I don't just mean sex. With two camps of either "this is what parenting is about - so get used to it" to spending time together is important to maintain a healthy relationship which can only have benefits for DC. I think that if the support is there then make use of it as best as possible - after all, that' what extended family is about. What do you all think???

I think at this stage DP and I went out every weekend with the baby. The intimacy was found by being jointly proud and fussy of our gorgeous baby.

Plus if you go out to the zoo/animal park/farm/beach etc the baby sleeps alot and you get time together to have a meal/picnic/converstaion/cuddle etc

Hang on in there.

newdad, I firmly believe that a bit of quality time together is vital. We use as much family support as we can (although they all live 3 hours drive away, so planning is essential!) and try and have a night away together in a hotel once every 4/6 months. In addition we do have babysitter (nursery nurses from dd nursery) to allow us to go to the pictures/dinner occasionally. That said, whilst still bf, the overnight stays are more problematic.

What time does ds go to bed in the evening? If he could go around 7 3o ish then you and dw would have 2/3 hours together before it gets late. Thats what we do; I work 4 days a week and dh is fulltime, so the 3 days a week I am with dd I am very much focussed on her but we try and plan things to be able to do as a family (swimming/zoo etc).

As others have said, your dw is knackered, but it sounds like you are doing a great job to suuport her and I am sure she really appreciates this, even if she doesn't always get the time to say it.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I really appreciate it.
Hi DDfred:
That's a really good idea - just waiting for the weather to get warmer before the day trips out. We did go with two other couples and their DC to the London Eye just before Christmas. We met them from the b'ding support group. It was bloody freezing! DS had a cold for a week and was very miserable.
Hi N'yum:
DS has his dinner for 6-.30pm (DW has a chance to feed him when she gets home from work). Then a bit of play and time with DW. We bath him for 8pm and ready for bed for 8.30-9.00pm. Lights on low and his music has to be on. DW BFs and falls asleep with him in bed. Then she gets up around 10pm and does bits and pieces or sleeps through until early hours for her 'me-time'. So, usually there isn't that much time together. Sometimes my mum is around helping out and I have to drive her back home. By the time I get back everyones in bed.

newdad....is there anyway that the bedtime routine could be made slightly shorter and he is not bf to sleep (i.e he still gets his feed, but after she has finished she kisses him good night and leaves him to settle) so dw could be freed up for a couple of hours in evening? I can only talk from personal experience, but the evenings we spend together are very important for us. I bf dd until 8 months, and returned to work at 6 months. When dd was able to settle herself and sleep through it did make life easier, although I know every baby is different!

I mentioned before the issues DW has with the need to bond with DS so much (early return to work etc, DS problem weight gain DW made to feel a bit paranoid etc). We are aware of bf-ing to sleep can cause a number of problems-bad teeth (the milk can remain in mouth for hours), settling LO, over attachment and won't leave the bed when older etc etc. I know that we should start the 'allowing them to settle themselves' thing but it is emotionally really hard for her to do. We have talked about it. Also, a friend of DW has 3 DC. The friend co slept and each DC eventually left for their own bed. It was never a real issue for her. I think DW is impressed with this scenario. Also some of my research suggests that start this when DW feels it is the right time.

Each evening is different in that sometimes (not often) DS can be left in cot after BF to sleep and he will be fine for hours. But in that time there is always something else to do.

DS was weighed today and even though his weight gain is slow - it is still a gain. Having just phoned DW she is less concerned so maybe we can have the discussion about the nightly weaning. Only problem is that she needs to keep her milk production up in order to express during the day. The nightly feeding gives DW this opportunity.

My goodness, seems I'm going off the track a bit - sorry but I'm sure these must be issues generally applicable to others.

I think when you are here you are now it seems like things will never change.
Honestly we now look at our 'baby' (she's now 2 and a half) and wonder why we stressed so much about her weight and sleep issues. Time has just sped by and we cannot think where the last two years have gone. It will be the same for you I guarantee.

Enjoy the rollercoster ride..