Sexless relationship, possibly porn use?

[Giveme2gins]

I wrote here the other day about my relationship being deficient in sex. I can count on one hand the amount of times that we tried to have sex over the past 3 years. Relationship is 5 years and about 3 and half years engaged. It feels like as soon as the ring was on my finger it all dried up. He's not able to maintain an erection for intercourse but he can masturbate.

I wonder if porn is at play with him and if it's the root of the sexlessness between us? A few things leads me to suspect maybe porn might be at play here for this deficiency.

We were at a wedding function about 3 years ago and he went to his brother in law and made a joke about bondage and chains or something on that level. At the time I thought it was completely inappropriate because we were surrounded by family and friends. That's where his mind was a family wedding - 'bondage and chains'.

Sometimes his work days can be long and intense and then sometimes he also required to help on his father's farm. I can remember a schedule he had where he was helping his dad from 6.30 am in the morning and then he went to work and got home from work at 2.30 am. The next day he was working early and when we were chatting on the phone he said that he watched TV for about half an hour. When I asked him what he watched he wasn't able to tell me and he gave me a vague answer and said whatever that was on at that time. It got me thinking if I was working a schedule like that, I would be exhausted and TV would be far from my mind. There times when I did work a heavy schedule and had 70-90 hours in a work week. I remember a week where I had to move into work and I was up anytime in the morning from 3 to 6 am and I was working any time until after midnight. I can remember a day where I was awoken from my sleep at 3.30 am to get up and work and it was 45 minutes past midnight when I was brushing my teeth to go back into bed for the night. TV was not on my mind.

I'm thinking if he's watching porn instead of TV and if it would explain the deficiency in sex between us. I value a sexual connection with my partner because it's the only thing that sets us apart from being friends but there is no sexual chemistry or connection any more between us. Here I am now in my mind thinking maybe he's watching porn and that's the reason.

Has anyone else here been in a similar position with a sexless relationship and perhaps porn use too?

You only posted about this yesterday no? You got quite a few good responses, how come you’re posting again?

Why are you still with this person?. This is a question you need to ask yourself. Is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. If so your bar here is too bloody low. This man has serious problems with intimacy because of porn addiction. What is all this too about being 3 and a half years engaged?. Its going nowhere and nowhere fast. What would you be advising your sister or a friend here in this situation?.

I had a post recently but there's an extra layer to this one.

I am coming to realise some suspicions that I have and he may be watching porn and that could be the reason we don't have a sex life any more.

Porn or no porn, why are you with this person?

Why keep posting the same question in effect. Think for yourself on the first advice!!!

You literally just posted yesterday.

So what if there's an extra layer where you suspect porn, the issue won't be fixed so why bother trying to figure it out, just end the engagement because you don't want to marry him.

I didn’t see your previous post - but why oh why would you not directly ask him?
The person you intend to marry?

Just saw your other post.
You seem disgusted by him. Are you hoping it’s porn use so that helps you leave?
Just leave.

It's coming across now like you just really need to paint him as the bad guy before you can leave...all the stuff yesterday about the sex drying up even though it was only 1-3 times a month at the start, and saying it just hit you that he must have pretended he liked sex until he got a ring on your finger, and there's something not right about that.

It's like you want to convince yourself you were conned.

You said you don't even want to have sex with him now so just end the relationship.

please do not take this in the wrong way, but.. so what if it is porn? What difference will knowing that make to your situation? You are engaged to be married, if you not able to have conversations about lack of intimacy, then what kind of marriage do you expect to have?
No one here will be able to answer your question, however I doubt that a porn addiction would cause a complete loss of libido, there could be medical factors or he may simply have no interest in sex and his bondage remarks could simply be bravado.. who knows?

Is it me or is it wrong that my girlfriend is lacking extremely badly in the sex part of our relationship.Admitedly she has anxiety and depression but I'm understanding on that and very patient and loving but we don't have sex regularly, average every 6-9 weeks and everytime I bring up 'sexy time' she dismisses it saying " I've got a headache or bad back,sore legs,just don't feel like sexy time" I know for a fact 100% she uses one of her vibrators while I'm not around and I'm about 90% certain she WAS!!!! on a chat, flirting dating site because always on her phone,eg rushing to the toilet 3-4times in the evenings and phone would 'ping' several times too, always on her phone in bed.The phone gets more attention than I do, overall I've come to the conclusion she's either cheated or waiting for someone else to come along,I just need some advice please, one very grateful fed up,sexually frustrated boyfriend.

It's been three years.

Have you actually talked about it in that time? This should have been a conversation where you either discussed ways to improve things or he said, this is how things are now, and you made a decision about the future of your relationship based on that.

Whether or not it's porn is irrelevant - for whatever reason, it's been this way for years so he's no interest in changing it (I am assuming you've discussed it before - if you haven't then I think the relationship is doomed through lack of communication!). Your choice is to accept that or leave.

All men watch porn but not all men don't want to have sex with their partners. If I'm being brutally honest I suspect the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you is that he doesn't fancy you. If that's the case it's unlikely it's going to improve, particularly as this isn't a long marriage where people have started to let themselves go and take each other for granted which can be a turn off for men and women. He hasn't had time to be bored of a limited sexual routine either.

Why wait around for him to decide he wants to have sex with you. End the relationship, find someone you’re sexually compatible with and wants to actually have sex with you.

You're saying he doesn't fancy me.

If this is the case - why did he drag it out with me for so long? All of his messages nearly say otherwise. He was usually keen on seeing me and he's usually on time and he never once cancellation me. This just doesn't add up for me. Why would he drag a relationship with me if he didn't fancy me and yet still be keen on marrying me?

@Giveme2gins
Why did you just focus on that one point that someone made and ignore the rest?
You said yourself on your other thread the idea of sex with him now fills me with sick. It's just been so long and it will be awkward as fuck.

So what is the point in staying in this relationship?

I've a male 33 and have been addicted to pornography for approximately 20 years so i hope I can provide my experience.

There are two things to consider the physical and emotional.

On a physical level, pornography changes the brain in a similar way to drugs etc. (Research dopamine etc). It is a very powerful addiction. His not being able to maintain an erection during sex is likely something called porn induced erectile disfunction (this is something that has developed and can be reversed).

The key to resolving and overcoming this is likely going to be working with a psychotherapist to find out the reason why porn is such a prominent part of his life. For me I experienced abused at a young age and exposed to explicit material too. There may or may not be trauma involved, and there can be a lot of shame around even talking about the use of porn.

Feel free to ask me anything if it helps.

So just because you don't watch telly after work you assume he can't possibly be watching telly after work ams must really be watching porn!

Giveme2gins · 13/05/2022 16:57

"You're saying he doesn't fancy me."

Yes, unfortunately. It's most likely to be that. The other possible reasons are that he has a very low or non existent sex drive or possibly has an STI he doesn't want to give to you.

I honestly can't think of a reason why a healthy man (or woman come to that) with a reasonably active sex drive wouldn't want to have sex with their girlfriend or wife this early in the relationship. I know boredom can set in with relationships and sex can become less frequent but a total absence of sex does suggests a lack of desire.

"If this is the case - why did he drag it out with me for so long? Why would he drag a relationship with me if he didn't fancy me and yet still be keen on marrying me?"

I don't know for sure. I can think of a few reasons. One is that he does genuinely love you and think you would make a good wife and the sex part isn't that important. If you are correct about the porn use (and if he does have a sex drive he will certainly be watching and masturbating to porn) he might be content with that rather than having actual sex.

Lots of couples stay together after they have stopped fancying each other or lost interest in sex. Often one partner loses interest in sex and the other doesn't but the bonds are strong enough to keep them together in a sexless relationship.