Parties

[Nobblymcbiscuit]

Just after some advice. My daughter is 13 and her friends are 13 and 14. There is a group of 6 of them. 4 of those drink alcohol, not regularly and vape. My daughter tells me as she really doesn’t want to do it. They’ve arranged a party this weekend at one of their houses and the mum is apparently ok with them bringing/having alcohol, vaping and there is talk of bringing tobacco. My daughter is resisting and not going, but is getting a hard time from her friends. I’m so angry that one of the mums is allowing this, as it makes the other girls feel that it is ok. She’s also told me her friends are laughing at her for not going and don’t want to come to her birthday party, as it won’t be fun without alcohol. I wonder if I should do anything with this information? I think alcohol at home is a grey area, but surely the mum providing it to other children is not ok. It makes me upset to see my daughter so sad, but there’s nothing I can do to make it better

13 and 14 is very young for drinking at a party! is the mum going to be there? Its such a crap age where peer pressure is high and they don't yet have the maturity to deal with some social situations. I do feel for her.
Obvioulsy in an ideal world, she would stand her ground and not drink/not go and not give in to the peer pressure or give a crap. But we don't live in an ideal world and teens just want to fit in. Life can get quite hard at school once they get singled out.

She certainly needs better friends, though. However she may not be the only one uncomfortable with it/who isn't going.

if she does decide to go, can you send her with her own drink, say in a cider bottle or similar and water it down/switch it with appletise? So she knows , but her friends won't realise, whilst she navigates extracting herself from this group without losing face.

Similarly, does she have a mobile phone? with my teens I've always used the 'x' message. So if one of them texts me a random x I will call their phone and make up some reason why I have to collect them straight away. Make up some sort of family emergency or something, so its not their fault, and they can moan to their friends that their stupid parents have to come get them now. I've always treated this as a no questions asked thing. if they need help extracting themselves from a situation that they have got themslves into or found themselves in, thats how it can work.

Its so hard when they want to fit in and we all just hope we have the ones that will stand their ground and have the confidence to stand up to peer pressure. But alot of young teens are not that confident, so sometimes need to navigate it in a different way until that kicks in.

I was around 13/14 when I started drinking with my friends. We’d either do it in parks (someone’s older sibling would buy us the booze from the corner shop) or we’d go to someone’s house and their parents would buy the booze.

(This was the early 2000’s and it definitely wasn’t uncommon).

Did I participate due to peer pressure and wanting to seem “cool”? Most likely. Were my parents ok with it? Only if they knew exactly where I was, who I was with and what time I would be home.

I’m not saying underage drinking and smoking is right or should be encouraged, but you can’t be mad at the girls mother who is allowing it at her house. It’s her house and Im sure she wouldn’t force any of her daughters friends to do anything they’re uncomfortable with. & at least they won’t be in a random dark field like I used to do.

Good on your daughter for staying true to herself and not giving in to the peer pressure. It’s really sad to read that the other girls are giving her a hard time over it. It really is shit, teenage years really are awful.

But you’re right, as upsetting as it is there’s nothing you can do to make it better. You can only be there for her and listen to her. Encourage her by saying she should never feel pressured or feel less of herself for not doing something she isn’t comfortable with.

It may be best if she tries to make friends with other girls/boys who aren’t into alcohol either. Does she attend any clubs? Or are there any clubs she’s interested in that she join? Sports, music, arts ..etc.

Hopefully the other girls start to understand and stop giving your daughter a hard time. (Maybe one of them will experience an awful hangover and won’t want to drink again). If they start to bully her then please inform the school.

Wishing you both the best. X

I think the worry about the other mum is that none of the girls are telling their parents about what’s really happening and are just saying they’re having a sleepover. The child who’s having the party’s mum knows that they’ll be drinking and is facilitating it and doing it without the agreement of the other children’s parents.

I do agree about teenage years. Teens are so cruel to each other and it’s awful
listening to how sad other children can make them. Will be pleased when high school is done!

Thanks for the advice

This is a serious safe-guarding concern, I would contact the school. Your daughter sounds lovely and if these young girls do not want to come to her party as there won’t be alcohol well I’m not sure I’d want my DC to be friends with them.

First comes alcohol, then smoking weed and this then just escalates, schools see this all the time.

I’m not saying underage drinking and smoking is right or should be encouraged, but you can’t be mad at the girls mother who is allowing it at her house. It’s her house and Im sure she wouldn’t force any of her daughters friends to do anything they’re uncomfortable with. & at least they won’t be in a random dark field like I used to.

I'm sorry but I completely disagree with the comment about the mother. She is the responsible adult here, she should not be facilitating her underage daughter and friends drinking alcohol on a ‘sleepover’. What next, inviting boys over and providing the condoms.

I'm sorry but I completely disagree with the comment about the mother. She is the responsible adult here, she should not be facilitating her underage daughter and friends drinking alcohol on a ‘sleepover’. What next, inviting boys over and providing the condoms.

It seems these girls (OP’s daughters friends) are already drinking alcohol and smoking vapes anyway. I’d much rather my kids drink alcohol in a house where an adult knows what’s going on, then them out drinking on the streets/in parks/on fields where they are more vulnerable.

I was drinking from age 13/14 at house parties. Sometimes adults were present. Sometimes they weren’t. Would also drink in parks and on fields. Some of my best memories from my teen years. Got myself into some questionable situations but I turned out absolutely fine. It’s part of growing up. All teenagers experiment with alcohol, smoking, sometimes drugs.

The kids in my year who had strict parents and weren’t allowed to attend parties ended up resented their parents. (Obviously this isn’t the case for OP. As her daughter seems incredibly mature)

Kids are more likely to be truthful about what they’re doing if their parents allow them to experiment and try alcohol if they’re in a safe and controlled environment. & Less likely to rebel. Otherwise they’re just going to go behind their parents backs and lie and say they’re going to a “sleepover” when in reality they’ve all chipped in for a cheap bottle of vodka bought by Dodgie Dave at the local Nisa which their gonna take to the local park.

A lot of teenagers also have underage sex. I’d much rather an adult provide them with a safe space and contraception than them being secretive and sneaky around their parents with no guidance.