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Original poster

Friends controlling relationship

25 replies

Gray21 · 11/05/2022 13:49

My friend has always been a relationship person and hasn't really been single in the years I've known her. In her previous relationship she was a little controlling but nothing over the top, just things like having to know where her partner was, who he was with etc...but we always assumed this was an insecurity thing.

My friend has been with her current partner for almost four years now, he is also a mutual friend of us all. Recently her actions are becoming really hard to watch and I know her behaviour is totally unacceptable, we (her friends) have tried to address it with her but I don't think she realises how her actions are starting to affect his mental health. Just a few examples of her behaviour

  • her partners social media is all logged in on her phone so she can read messages, she uploads all his photos for him and controls what he uploads
  • she has his location on all the time (I have this with my partner for safety reasons but hers is for controlling purposes)
  • he doesn't see any of his friends or his family unless prearranged by her and she is there
  • she keeps his wallet and gives him "pocket" money
  • she picks what he wears (again I know a lot of partners do this, but that's usually because men don't know how to dress themselves!!)
  • they share a car so he always needs her permission to go anywhere
  • if he does go out with his friends she completely gate crashes and goes along with them

It's all very intense and becoming hard to even be around them as I recognise how destructive she is being. Is there any way we can address it with her or even help him recognise this?

OP posts:
YellowHpok · 11/05/2022 13:56

Why are you friends with her? Genuine question. I'd be helping him wake up and try to leave tbh.

Have you heard of the freedom project? May be helpful for him.

purpleboy · 11/05/2022 14:44

I think she is a lost cause, but I'd be helping him recognize what she is doing, and help him take steps to address this if he wants to.
If you want to try and help her, you could talk to her about her behavior try and get her to understand she is being abusive and controlling, but I don't think she will be open to hearing it and it will probably backfire on you.

Tamzo85 · 11/05/2022 14:48

Your friend is an abuser and if you were talking about a male friend he would be called a monster and receive no sympathy at all. Sometimes people have low level controlling behaviours stemming from insecurity or unawareness which it can benifet them and others for them to be made aware of, but this won’t help your friend, frankly she’s a sack of shit and you should say something to her and if she doesn’t take it on board quick, cut her from your life.

MzHz · 11/05/2022 15:08

OMFG, I would be doing whatever it took to get that poor bastard out of there. Who the fuck does she think she is with his social media ffs!

FuckThisShit123 · 11/05/2022 15:16

This can't be real

ohCARP · 11/05/2022 15:17

She sounds dangerous and you need to find a way to help her partner see that this isn't right.

Out of interest, why do you need location on for safety reasons?

ImprobablePuffin · 11/05/2022 15:31

Well my main priority now would not be the friendship. I'd be more than willing to lose that in order to help the partner see that they're in an abusive situation and can get out if they so choose.

Cas112 · 11/05/2022 15:38

I would end the relationship as her friend and tell her exactly why, explain to her partner also he needs to leave and hope it can be the beginning of him building up the courage to do so

danny735 · 11/05/2022 21:29

Oh dear.

I'm no expert but this sounds like coercive control and it's abusive.

He needs to end this relationship. Abuse has no gender.

FridaynightCry · 11/05/2022 21:43

Jesus Christ, F her. Help him!

This is coercive abusive behaviour. Gosh just reading that gave me shivers. OP please just focus on helping this poor poor man get out of this very grave situation

Original poster
Gray21 · 11/05/2022 22:16

@YellowHpok in terms of our friendship and her friendship within the group she is a brilliant friend and doesn't display any of these traits with us personally it is just with her partner!
I have never heard of that but I have just done a little research and it is so helpful! Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Gray21 · 11/05/2022 22:18

@purpleboy I totally agree, it's sad to see for both sides, he is obviously feeling quite trapped and she clearly is unaware quite how bad the behaviour is. A friend (who is probably her best mate) tried speaking to her but exactly as you said it back fired as she didn't like what she was hearing Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Gray21 · 11/05/2022 22:21

@Tamzo85 agreed, my friend is female and if it were the other way around she was male it would be so much more amplified!

@ohCARP unfortunately we live in an area where there are often crimes against young women. My partner, closest friends and my dad all have my location on through find my iPhone incase something were to happen, it's the sad reality of where we live

Thank you for all your responses, I do feel like in this case myself and our other friends need to do what's right rather than what will "keep the peace" between our friendships. Enough is enough

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 11/05/2022 22:44

I would in all likelihood try and contact a friend or family member of the boyfriend and tell them what you know. If you try and speak to him he may well be in denial about the whole situation but it would probably help him to have someone aware of the situation. I would certainly address the situation with her and I would be pretty straight about it… I’d use the term “abuse” and “coercive control” and tell her it was an offence for which she could be arrested. I would imagine she’d cut you off to be honest but I couldn’t really continue a friendship with someone who behaved like that. You could also report to the police but the boyfriend would obviously have to be spoken to.

Catlover1970 · 11/05/2022 23:13

I might be out of line here but if the bloke wasn’t happy wouldn’t he leave her? I’m not sure why you are involving yourself?

Divebar2021 · 11/05/2022 23:16

I might be out of line here but if the bloke wasn’t happy wouldn’t he leave her? I’m not sure why you are involving yourself?

surely in 2022 we’ve moved on from “why don’t they just leave?”

SarahDippity · 11/05/2022 23:29

How does she not know that this is coercive control and completely inappropriate? Is it masked as protection for her if, as you say, it’s an area where young women might feel unsafe? But the pocket money, the photos, social media monitoring … has she a track record of co-dependency?

Prollynot · 11/05/2022 23:42

What she is doing is not just wrong, it is criminal and she can be arrested for it. Not sure she is capable of change, but counselling and a perpetrator programme. Poor man.

ladydimitrescu · 11/05/2022 23:43

She's abusing him. Please speak with him and encourage him to seek help to leave.

Pinkbonbon · 12/05/2022 03:10

Your friend is an abuser. She does not need help, or sympathy or understanding - she needs locked up.

Don't stay friends with abusers. In doing so you condone their abuse.

You say he is a friend too? The be a friend to him and tell him that you have seen her behaviour and it is not OK. Sometimes all it takes is for someone else who has witnessed it to say that to them to give them that push to free themselves.

Because otherwise...you are gaslighting him into thinking abuse is normal. 'Because if it wasn't...surely my friends would say something'.

Say something.

And tell her to fuck off out your life. And exactly why.

Invased · 12/05/2022 03:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Gray21 · 12/05/2022 05:54

@Catlover1970 I'm pretty sure opinions like yours "why don't they leave" is the reason why victims don't get the help they need

@SarahDippity I think she's aware she controls him but I don't think she realises how much she is now doing it and what started off as a little control has now become excessive over the years, it's almost like it's normal to her. She has known this person for years before they were in a relationship so she knows he's a genuinely nice person that she doesn't need to fear

Mentally she does struggle, nothing medicated or medically confirmed but she is highly strung, easily stressed and plans almost every inch of her life and has been this way since we've all known her. It's like she can't control her life anymore so she's moved on to his
I have spoken to another friend and we've agreed we will speak to her about it this weekend

OP posts:
TheLadyDIdGood · 12/05/2022 06:03

No don't speak to her, why would you give an abuser the heads up so she can modify her behaviour in public. Abusers, both men and women, become clever at hiding their behaviour. They then become more abusive, physically and emotionally, in private with their partner. I would actually report her to the police because coercive control is now a crime. What she is doing is a criminal offence and I wouldn't be complicit in helping her.

TheLadyDIdGood · 12/05/2022 06:07

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Read this and report her to the police and help your male friend get away from his female abuser. What you're doing is minimising the abuse because she's a woman. If she was the victim then your reaction may have been different, so I think you need to reflect on your internal biases.

Thefaroeislands · 12/05/2022 06:20

You could report him as a vulnerable adult either via social services or his GP

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