Top tips for surviving heartbreak!

[Prepaid71]

Hi
i find myself broken hearted for the second time in my adult life!
I survived it before and I know I will again but I’m back to that awful ache in my heart and anxiety in my stomach and everything feels completely overwhelming.
What are your top tips for getting through the next few days,weeks and months?

My top tip was reassuring myself (although it was unspeakably hard) that time does make it easier - if you'd told me months ago I'd be where I am now, I'd have laughed in your face. But it does really help - acknowledging that you feel shit in this moment in time allows you to feel the emotion, but also give yourself a reminder that you won't always feel like this.

I wrote down a list of all the reasons why the relationship didn't work and what my (abusive) ex DP done to me and his children. I actually kept that list with me permanently for ages.

Self care - lots of it. Take time for yourself; see friends, see family, do things on your own and know that's absolutely OK. Get support from those who love you and discuss how you are feeling.

If the relationship was in anyway traumatic, toxic or abusive (or all three) then look at getting some counselling or talking therapy - if it was abusive, go to Woman's Aid or your local domestic abuse service for help.

Focus on the small things - make a small list of things you want to do during the day (either work or otherwise) and check them off when you've completed them, but don't make them huge. Eat and drink little and often, if you're anything like me I just end up not eating so I bought a load of "safe" snacks that I knew wouldn't make me feel worse.

Don't go dating for a while - tempting as it is to just rewrite how you are feeling with something new and exciting, dating can be brutal and just make you feel worse if it doesn't work out.

Thanks Polly
fortunately the relationship wasn’t toxic or abusive, it’s just run it’s course but after 6 years I’m sad and lonely (again)
I will miss him so much and all the good times!
great idea to actually put into writing what went wrong.
I will genuinely miss his friendship and I suppose I feel stupid it’s happening again!
I don’t want to lean on friends who were there for me before. I just think they’re going to feel they’ve heard it all before!!
atm I’m finding it hard to move beyond the physical symptoms I’m feeling. That sheer sense of loss.

Mate, if you were my friend you could have a heartbreak every six months and I'd still be there for you. It doesn't matter that this is the second time. Let your friends know so that they can support you.

My top tips for getting over heartbreak, that always work really fast:

• Go NO CONTACT. Block him everywhere, as long as there's nothing you need to sort out together still like bills or whatever. Allows you to start to get used to his presence not being there and to be able to breathe a sigh of relief knowing you can use your phone without something popping up or questioning why he hasn't messaged.
• Delete everything. Delete old pictures, texts and e-mails, so you can't go torture yourself with them when you're at a low point.
• Pack up sentimental things and put them in a box somewhere. You can keep a couple of photos or letters, but get everything associated with him out of your sight for now.
• Try something new, to meet new people. Start a social group or choir or voluntary job or book club or fitness class, anything that's new in your life that isn't related to him and that allows you to get out and remember life goes on and is full of interesting people to meet.
• Lean on your loved ones. Don't be afraid to tell people you're upset, or to arrange to see friends. If you get a lovely supportive message, screenshot it to look back at.
• Ring Samaritans for support if you just want to vent or offload, they're there for any emotional support at any time.
• Do something nice for yourself that is just for you. Fancy baths every few nights. New swanky pyjamas. Get some nice non alcoholic drinks in to have on an evening. Treat yourself to a takeaway you've not tried yet.
• Exercise. Even a walk each day is good for your mood and will make you feel better.
• Remember: the way you feel is completely normal. It's a big loss and your mind and heart and body are all adjusting. It's okay to have days where you can't get out of bed and can't imagine the pain ever stopping. It's okay to feel amazing suddenly and on top of the world and then crash. It's okay to make mistakes like messaging him, or having a fling with someone else (not that that's necessarily a mistake!). It's all normal. Give yourself grace.

It's gonna be a rocky few months but you can get through it and in time you'll feel like yourself again. Break ups are like suddenly having a painful wound on your arm. Every time you see or speak to that person, it rubs a bit more salt into it, it hurts and keeps it fresh. The longer you go without seeing or talking to them or seeing major reminders of them, the more the wound can start to heal and scab over. Try not to pick at the scab and do self destructive things. You've got this <3

I understand those feelings too well - been there twice before.

I think PPs suggestions are great ones so I really don't have any advice. I did lean on my friends the last time but that's because they weren't around for my first heartbreak. Definitely, go no contact, and stay busy. I went to the gym, went to meetup groups, gave my house a good cleaning/purged a lot of stuff. And sometimes I let myself wallow in grief and just hang out on the couch all day watching tv. Eventually the pain I felt in my stomach faded away. Hang in there and good luck!

Thank you for replying.
All good useful tips!
The going nc is the hard bit. 😕
I just don’t feel ready to lose him in my life as my friend but I know it’s the healthy thing to do!
I definitely need to try some of the other tips too!
I feel I do need to allow myself sadness so good that I’m not alone in that sunny

It helped me only when it unraveled and I realised she'd been messing me about. Up to that point I didn't have anything not to like her for.

If he's a lovely guy and he's been fair and good with you it will be far harder.

My advice is to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship. It’s okay to get upset about it and to cry. Holding it in makes it worse so take some time to express your emotions. Talk to your friends and family and tell them honestly how you are feeling.
What worked for me was writing down my feelings. I started a journal then wrote a letter to him, explaining what I missed and what I felt sad and angry about. I obviously didn’t send the letter but felt good to get all those thoughts written down and out of my head.
I know it will be tough but try not to contact him for now. If at a later date you choose to be friends then great but right now it will only hurt more to see him and be around him.
Focus on you, take up a new hobby or do something you’ve always wanted to, keep yourself busy.
It will take time, don’t pressure yourself to feel happy straight away.

Something I did when I was left by my ex was write myself a list of all the positives of being single. It was quite long and I’d put big and small things on there like

• girls holidays
• exciting first dates
• casual flings with hot men
• decorating the house / bedroom exactly how I wanted
• not compromising on choice of night out / takeaway / holiday / tv show
• not having to deal with in laws, exs boring friends, inane work stories
• the freedom to do anything I wanted with no one else to consult or compromise for

it can obviously be lonely when you get out of a LTR but there’s a lot to be gained by being single for a while.

id definitely recommend writing a list of some of the things you’ll enjoy now that you’re not bound by another persons wants and needs.

I agree, writing letters and journaling all the feelings is so therapeutic.
Let it all out, good and bad.
this is something I’ve done all my life when I’ve been struggling whether relationship or self image or anything really. It definitely helps move past feelings quicker.

hidden
the letter is a great idea!
I had thought about writing him a letter about how I was feeling but in my works i sent it to him! Much better not to off course!
it does just feel there’s so much left unsaid.
I'm trying not to bottle feelings up but find I am doing so to protect myself and other people from my emotions.
maybe I need to rethink that tact!

Many, many sympathies OP. Lots of lovely ideas here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4447267-Utterly-utterly-heartbroken?page=10&reply=116823741

OP, I've been there. It really sucks. The last time was particularly hard as I really thought I'd met the person I was going to be with forever. Added to that I was living in a city far from home with few friends. One of the things I find hardest after a breakup is the emptiness. Time seems to go so painfully slowly, the evenings and weekends so long. I don't know if that's just me. I'd get home from work and it would seem like forever until bedtime and I would sit in anguish the whole time, too upset to concentrate on TV, no appetite etc etc.

So the main thing that helped me was getting things in my diary to structure my free time outside of work and things to look forward to. This included a holiday with a friend - a type of holiday that I'd always wanted to do but my ex would have hated. But I think most important for my wellbeing was joining a few local social groups on the meetup website. I booked onto a number of activities - at least one per week, often more, so that I had something to 'force' me out of the house and to mix with others. There were times I really didn't want to go but I never regretted going once I was there - I met some amazing people, and did activities I'd never done before. Importantly these new people knew nothing of my life with my ex. Seven years on, I am now very close friends with several people I met through those groups.

Another thing that helped was stopping all contact with my ex about a month after we split and writing down all the things I was angry with him for so they were out of my head. I also focused on all his bad points! (A few years on i can now remember the good times fondly and I don't regret the relationship but at the time focusing on the things that weren't perfect helped).

A wise friend who had been through similar heartbreak said to me something along the lines of 'recovery is not linear, there will be days when you feel you are climbing our out of the hole and then something will happen to knock you back in it, but as time goes on you won't fall quite so far, and you will start to climb out again quicker'. I replayed her words in my head many times. x

Sorry to hear this OP X I remember when I was properly heartbroken and I got myself an ice cream and sat down to a beautiful sunset with it and suddenly was shocked that I was having a good time on my own! So I started doing stuff, I started swimming lessons and horse riding, started reading again and listening to my old favourite music. So mine is to go enjoy yourself and hopefully he'll just drift out of your head

I am keeping myself busy at work but it’s the ‘non work ‘ times I find difficult.
I am caring for my elderly mum too so hardly any chance to join clubs have hobbies etc.
it just feels like I have thing to look forward to anymore! ☹️

Any books you like reading or tv shows you've always wanted to watch? Would you like to take up knitting or drawing or colouring ? Make something? Refurbish something? Start exercising from eg joe Wicks? Could you start learning a language, writing? Could you swim once a week or go to some form of lessons eg horse riding or a martial art or volunteer somewhere once a week? Or get a pet? (Sorry if none of these help!)

I just don’t feel ready to lose him in my life as my friend but I know it’s the healthy thing to do

I've got an ex who's a friend. A couple of my friends have exes as friends. A couple I know were introduced to each other by one of their exes! All happy people. There's no reason you should lose him forever.

Also: You've done heartbreak before. You know that you, personally, can feel fine once you've recovered. How do you feel now when you think of the previous ex? Still ripped to shreds, or something far easier to live with?

Also: Can you remember before you met him? Before he was part of your life? Were you a seething emotional wreck, when he wasn't in your life? Or were you... ok, actually? It's perfectly possible to live without him and be fine. You've done it before.

Also: Google single celebrities. You'll feel better once you know you're in the company of Halle Berry and Charlize Theron.

Also: it just feels like I have thing to look forward to anymore Give yourself full permission to feel like this. It's fine. It's what's meant to happen. You have a swamp of emotion to wade through, and it's bloody hard work. Accept that it's hard, and treat yourself like a person you love, who's doing endless hours in a job they hate. Be lovely to yourself. Ice cream, duvet days, binge watching box sets. It's fine. You're allowed to feel like crap, and there's no pressure to feel good or 'get a life'. You're great in your slippers and pjs.

Also: Wait. Quietly wait in the pond of tears you're in, and one day, not too far away, the season will change, and the pond will dry up and there'll be blossom. But for now, you're in the pits of winter, snowed in, and it's impossible to imagine summer BBQs in sleeveless tops. It'll come. You only have to quietly wait.

staysthomer and watchkeys what lovely advice. I know you’re right! You’re all right but I feel so desperate tonight. I want to ring him. I’ve had a rubbish day and he was always my go to, to talk things through. I’m trying to resist but I feel so lonely right now!

@Watchkeys thats one of the best posts I’ve read on MN.

I am struggling with a break up too, my ex was abusive and after an argument a month ago blocked me everywhere and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve taken a screenshot of your post to read when I’m feeling low

Soph sorry you’re going through this too.
it’s so hard sometimes isn’t it?
I just can’t make my mind up if going nc is better or worse than never speaking to him ever again!

I felt the same as you about going no contact. He still wanted to stay in contact and of course I did too. However I realized it was so so painful to see him moving on and enjoying life while I was grieving and holding on to hope that he might come back to me. Every time we had contact it would set me back, it was like an old wound being scratched open. Because he would talk to me like a friend who was enjoying life while I was happy to talk to him but the loneliness and the pain would rush back after we were done talking. So finally after a month or two I told him I had to go non contact as keeping contact was too painful for me. He understood and we went no contact for about five or six months. By then my heart had healed and talking to him didn’t hurt - we could truly be friends.

so all of that to say you should go no contact with him and let him know why. If he really cares he will understand. And if he doesn’t understand then to me he’s not that nice of a person in the first place. And if he’s a true friend he will be still willing to talk once you are healed.

When I was heartbroken in my 20s I applied for a job in another city. I really needed to shake up my life. I moved to anew city and started a new life. If you've ever thought about wanting to do something like travel, move house or anything but was held back by relationship then start making plans.
Also, during my heartbreak I went to a party with no intention of staying, I had been in bed all day crying and it was at that party that I met my now DH- just keep remembering that you never know what's around the corner. Life is full of opportunity! Oh and stay away from booze. Heartbreak hangovers are the worst

sunny I fear you might be right about going nc for a while I’m just not there yet!
it feels like there’s still so much more to sort out.
Not least the finances and the fact he’s still not sorted where he’s going to permanently move to. (He’s not here, just living in hotels etc)
so much of his stuff is still here.
I am going to spend today boxing up what’s left so I’m not looking at it.
mum hoping that will somehow be healing.

I know it’s really difficult just now, it’s easy to say it will take time to heal. You’re doing the right things but try not to bottle up your emotions. Open up and tell your friends and family how you feel, it’s good to show them your emotions and get some support!

overthewine
it’s an interesting idea to take paracetamol for heart ache as it really does feel
like a physical pain. I can’t say it’s something I’d considered but I will try it I think as the constant ache is very wearing.