Was I wrong?

[Whathappened67]

Need some advice. My biological father walked out on my mum when I was around 8 (40 odd years ago). He wouldn't pay maintenance and eventually didn't bother to stay in contact. My mum then remarried and my stepfather raised us (two siblings). This broke my heart throughout childhood and over the years but mum didn't show any empathy and didn't want to discuss it. We stayed in the same village/house and didn't move.
Fast forward to 16 years ago and my mum died and he got in contact - briefly! I thought he had come back to develop a relationship but he made little effort and seemed happy with his stepchildren. Occasional cards for Xmas/my children but nothing else.

Feeling absolutely gutted again I wrote to him and asked him why he had done this to us, firstly abandoning us and then barely keeping in contact when he did have the chance 40 years later. I also told him the mental impact of what he had caused and how devastated I felt. Growing up knowing my dad didn't try. I received a letter back from his stepdaughter saying how dare I ask him this and treat an "old man" so cruelly. She stated I had the opportunity to contact my father and he never stopped thinking about us - not! Was it the job of a child? She also told me not to write to him again and go through her.
I'm still devastated that he abandoned us in the first place, never kept in contact or when he had the chance it was like seeing a stranger. Doesn't a father love his children unconditionally? I would love others thoughts - I don't think I did anything wrong. There will never be a meeting again and tbh I don't want one now but my amazing stepfather died 2 months ago and his love was unconditional but its brought back all these horrible memories.

I don't think a letter was the right way to do it. I would have suggested meeting up and go from there.

Im sorry to hear about your step father. In essence he played the role of your father. Did you have a good relationship with him?
Your father really is not worth your time and energy. He will never take responsibility for being a shit dad. It will never be the responsibility of the child (regardless of age) to maintain a relationship with the absent parent. He fucked up. In doing so he fucked you up.
Please get some counselling if you can to try and unpick your feelings.
In your shoes I wouldn't try and contact him or the letter writer again. Be kind to yourself 💐

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mum and stepfather. You’re dealing with such a lot.

I went through/am going through something very similar to you. I don’t know if this will help you but it helped me to realise that, in a way, her dad and your dad are not the same person (even though they are). Your dad wasn’t there for you, hers was. She’s never going to understand what you went through. She’s always going to have rose tinted glasses for him.

That doesn’t change the facts though. What happened, happened. It’s indisputable. You’re not wrong to feel the way that you do.

My dad left. My mother remarried and my step dad was amazing. My kids don’t have contact with their fathers. I think it’s personal choice. You don’t know what was happening in your parents relationship, perhaps your dad just wanted ready for everything wing a parent brings. I think it takes a lot of courage to walk away. My kids dads have and mine did too but I don’t see that genie actions should negatively affect the person I am or the life I made.

Does your life depend on the reason your dad left? I think you have a lot of questions that you won’t get answers too. Have you tried counselling? So you can find a way to live without these feelings you have.

Should have put that maybe your dad wasn’t ready for everything being a parent is

You weren't wrong. The vicious letter you received back was out of order.

Being an old man doesn't make him innocent, even if it turns out that he was actively discouraged from keeping in touch by your mum.

He was the parent, you the child. He owes you everything and you owe him nothing.

I'm so sorry op.

My father did the same. Left when I was 5 and disappeared. He never paid any maintenance. He reappeared when I was 17, and I went to stay overnight with him and his wife. She was awful and he treated me like a stranger, there was no attempt to connect or explain or apologise in any way.

I never saw him again.

I wish I’d been like you and written him a letter, so I could get all that heartache off my chest.

The stepdaughter is totally out of order to tell you off. This is between you and him. She presumably hasn’t had your experiences and has no right to tell you how you should behave and and what you should feel. Maybe when she’s older karma will give her a different perspective.

I hope you can put this behind you. I was lucky in that my father died when I was relatively young (31), a lot of the anger died with him.

This doesn’t excuse him. Millions of people aren’t ready and yet they step up.

You said it takes courage, I disagree completely. He could be scared and unprepared and still pay child maintenance - Where is the courage in not paying to support the child you made? When he was older and more stable he could have reached out - where is the courage in avoiding doing that?

He’s a coward who ignored his problems because they felt too difficult to deal with. If it was only him that was impacted then fine, but it impacted the life of a child too.

@PeppoPigg I tried to arrange a meet up but he made lots of different excuses. A letter was all I could do. Initially I was like an excited child again thinking that he would like to be involved in my life and my children's. He has 6 gorgeous grandchildren and 2 greatgrandchildren that he has never met or asked to meet.
I see friends whose father idealised them and never had what they did - it hurts. My stepdad was amazing and yes I suppose I am grieving his loss and its brought it to a head again.

It has left me with a terrible fear of rejection (from anyone and self-esteem that is so low its off the scale). I just don't understand it and that's the hard part. I did have counselling for a while but it opened up such a can of worms with how it affected my life that I couldn't afford to keep going.

I should also add that its playing on my mind more because I was clearing out my step-fathers belongings (more tears) and I found my mum's divorce papers stating that he would not pay maintenance and making excuses that he didn't earn enough. She also divorced him because he didn't want to spend time with us as a family and would rather go and watch football ! My mum was difficult but it didn't take courage for him to leave. He took the easy way out and never looked back. How can anyone have 3 children and not care???

It may very very very occasionally be an act of courage to walk away, but it’s usually just cowardice and they RUN away.

A good man does does not leave his wife to bring up his children alone and with no financial support. He does not let another man shoulder his responsibility. He tries to show his children, that whatever the circumstances, he loves them.

”He never stopped thinking about them” does not mean he loved his children.

Sadly, he's been a pitiful inadequate father and is very unlikely to change now. Losing a good stepfather must have been very hard, but I would hang on to your memories of him, nurture your own family and basically leave your father to it. He doesn't deserve any more of your thoughts or your hurt.

I tried to arrange a meet up but he made lots of different excuses. A letter was all I could do. I see that makes sense.

@sleepymum50 - you said it! Spot on.
@CPL593H - thank you. He was a good stepfather and I loved him dearly. He was the one who walked me down the aisle, was a grandfather and died knowing his family loved him. My biological father won't have the same privilege.

OP with love and kindness from someone been there and done that don't waste your time, effort or mental energy. A parent who wants to stay in touch will stay in touch. I'm sure there'll be a barrage of "but what about X,Y,Z..." No. there is no excuse or reason he can possibly give. Having his stepdaughter respond is just another slap in the face of not dealing with his own child and I don't care how old or infirm he is. He could have recited a letter for her to write if he can't. He could have phoned. Sent a singing telegram if he was desperate. He chose not to and you my lovely deserve better. It took me 35 years to realise my Dad was a self-centred coward incapable of taking responsibility for anything in life. It destroyed parts of my family and rendered my relationship with my siblings beyond repair. Don't give him opportunity to hurt you any more than he already has 🤗 x

You weren’t wrong.

You had every right to write that letter.

His stepdaughter was completely heartless and emotionally blind to reply as she did.

Take care of yourself ❤

I can relate. My dad left when I was a baby, got back in contact when I was early 20s. I meet him twice and haven't since both times were a disaster. His step daughter went on about how amazing he is, how he brought he lots of places, always there for everything. He sent a few cards for Christmas/ birthday after. I asked him to stop. I longed for those cards that didn't arrive as a child, it really was too late now.

I have cut all contact, I had fantastic GPs who filled his role. It sounds like you have had a great experience with your step dad. You don't need him. I haven't even told my 'dad' I am expecting my 1st child, it really is nothing what so ever to do with him and I am much better off without him.

His step daughter was completely out of line too. I am better off without him in my life as you probably would be too. He left, there is no excuse good enough.

Thank you all for your lovely comments. You have been amazing. xx

No you were not at all wrong, penning a letter and hoping to get some answers to the sense of loss you experienced throughout your life.

It's a bit, 'the least he could do'

Unfortunately step families can be horrible and I personally think this woman needs a good reprimand, are you going to listen to her, who the hell is she to forbid correspondance, I woudn't dare get involved with a father/daughter relationship no matter the estrangement.

She could be protecting her financial interests and keeping you at arms length from ever reconnecting, I've seen this happen.

I'm sorry you experienced such twattish behaviour, none of this is your fault.

Sounds like the people in his second life suited him, nasty people.

Maybe write a letter to her, and tell her your views on her and her letter writing, sitting on her high horse, she's a joke, trying to protect him. You have every right to correspond with your father, I honestly believe society needs to change it's views on protecting these men.

Accountability affects everybody in all ways in life why should feclkess dads be any different, let them know before they pass on.

Honestly, for your own mental health you need to stop obsessing about this man. Stop thinking being a biological parent comes with automatic love. Stop thinking of him as your 'father! He's never been a father to you. Your stepfather and mother were your parents, not this stranger.

It's something you need to work on, maybe with some counselling, but thinking about a stranger who had minimal input into your life as a father is not helping you.

You can't force a relationship on someone who simply doesn't care about you. Tell yourself to feel the same for the sake of your sanity. Focus your energy elsewhere.

If you had a partner who treated you badly would you shut him out of your life and move on? Most people would and it's the healthiest way to be,

Block him and his family.

@itsmeagainlol Thank you.

Op, sorry for your loss first of all.
Are you sure your biological father actually read your letter and it wasn’t his spouse/ daughter who actually opened it? Either way, I doubt you would get an answer to satisfy you. You say your mother was difficult, so try and and understand there are always two sides of a story.
you sound very much like my half sister, she was brought up by my father but her biological father was left by our mother as he was an alcoholic. My sister got in touch with her father years later behind my mother’s back and the encounter was very disappointing for her. My dad was and still is a very good father to her, and she actually feels closer to him than to our mom. My sister has her moments when she will burst out and believes is not understood by anyone and that she needs all the attention because of what she has been through.
What I am trying to say is that even if you had a conversation with your father it may not give you the answers you’re waiting for and for sure it will not fill the void in your soul, that not even the presence of your stepdad could fill. You’ll need to find another way to accept things as they are and carry on with your life without letting your past take over your present and future.
your biological father may have mentioned you a lot to his family making them feel sorry for him, hence his daughter’s reply to you. Even if he contacted you it may be because he feels guilty so he wants to deal with that, not necessarily do right by you. It’s like a tick on his bucket list. Which shows once again that you do not need to invest any more time and emotions in him.