Advice for moving out joint mortgage

[movingout2]

I've been married to a verbally, emotionally and financially abusive man for 10 years and I can't survive this any longer. We have a child together. I would like to leave in the safest way possible, bearing in mind his abusive tendencies.

We have a joint mortgage on a house that is in both our names where the fixed interest rate is coming to an end very soon. His family helped us with the deposit and even though the house is in both our names, he believes he's entitled to all the equity in it. I am stuck and I need advice on how to leave this relationship without surrendering my stake in the house. I earn much less on him having been the main caretaker for our child for many years and need the money.

I sought legal advice and was advised not to leave the house until I have lodged a divorce application and overseen a sale or a payout otherwise I would have to wait years for any financial settlement. I can't take living with him anymore, and I am thinking of moving out and refusing to re-negotiate the mortgage but worry that it'll be a huge financial strain for me paying half a mortgage on a variable rate and rent for a place. I would be grateful for any advice from anyone who has been through a similar situation.

It’s a very hard thing to do but you need to decide what is more important to you; peace of mind, well-being, safety or finances. These all matter but sometimes to a much greater extent. If your physical safety was at risk you would get advice to leave regardless of the financial implications. I would suggest you perhaps talk this through with someone who has the qualifications and insight to help you.

With regard to the finances and specifically the house. I assume his parents gifted you the deposit. The house is jointly owned. If you weren’t married you would both own 50%, less any outstanding borrowing.

But you are married. Marriage and divorce laws exist and govern how the equity will be split. Your ex’s opinion, my opinion or MN opinion don’t matter as your entitlement from the split will be according to those laws and precedents. Don’t even bother directly debating this with him. He can find out himself on his own dime. If you are a lower earner and have primary responsibility for child care then you needs will be greater. This might result in you being entitled to a larger % of the equity being awarded to you.

The issue of staying in the house. The reason people are advised not to leave is because it often results in unaffordable expense. You need to rent and are still obliged to pay for the family home. When it comes to negotiations over splits you will be keen to settle because you want to reduce the rental costs and existing obligations. Essentially you are time pressured to get to a settlement and this means might settle for a bit less money.

The other party is generally sitting pretty in the family home. They may stall on the sale. They make the home unsaleable or unattractive to buyers. Insist on sale price that is not achievable.

Sorry to hear you're in such a crap situation.. I split with my partner of 13 years a few years ago, we weren't married but had a joint mortgage on a house which used to be my ex-partners grandads house, it was left to my partners dad which he then sold to us, like you his parents had gifted him the deposit - they ensured this was legally recorded that should we split or sell, that deposit money belonged to their son. I chose to leave the relationship and the house, he decided to stay in the house and I left with a share of the equity (it was enough to eventually put a deposit on a new house with my new partner)

Not quite the same but I feel your pain and frustration xxx

Thank you. I need the money for my child and I so can't afford to give it up. Also I can't afford to take him to court and don't qualify for legal aid so I'm stuck with whatever he agrees to hand over in a financial settlement. Ironically he wanted to divorce but when I said I would insist on a 50% split he's changed his mind. I can't stand staying any longer though.

You are not stuck with whatever he wants to offer. A judge would never sign it off.

You can represent yourself. Many people do this. Because honestly most divorces are not financially complex. If you go to court and say you need 80% of the equity to get a new home and you can justify this, what’s the worst thing that can happen. You get 50% which is better than any offer he will make.

Your housing needs would be a 2 bed property near to DC’s school. This could be either rented or purchased. Assuming you can afford a mortgage, ask for an equity share big enough for the deposit, moving costs and fees. It is c 70% you would probably get it. There’s even slight possibility for an occupation order, mesher order and spousal maintenance.

Does you both have savings and pensions? These need to be split too.

Have you tried for advice on Wikidivorce?

Thanks a lot. He's British and I am not so I have no idea of how the legal system works here with regards to divorce outside of anecdotal evidence from my circle of friends. I also have no family here, and he's getting a lot of support from family since we had that conversation around property split. I hadn't heard of wikidivorce, but had a look and it looks very helpful. Thanks again.

Look at wikidivorce and do not let the fact that you are not from the UK at all stop you from divorcing this man. Knowledge here is power and you need proper knowledge. Do not wait until your DC head off to uni, make the break far sooner because doing otherwise just gives him more years in which to further coerce you into doing what he wants i.e abuse you and in turn your DC. This individual is still very much controlling you and your DC.

You can also contact the Rights of Women organisation who can give you some basic legal advice; their link is here rightsofwomen.org.uk/. Another option would be to contact some firms of Solicitors in your locality.