'It was just sex'

[ohlookIhaveanewname]

'It was just sex' is a statement I've heard a couple of times in my life from people who have cheated on their spouse. I've heard it once from a man to me and once from a woman who'd cheated on her husband.
I fail to understand this statement when monogamous sex is kind of the only facet which sets apart a marriage from a friendship surely? Anyone shed any light on the statement?

Eh? Are you asking why people cheat? I’m not sure what you’re asking.

Most people in relationships value the bond of love they share as it takes a long time to grow and develop. Sex can be had without emotion and can just be a physical sensation with nothing more to it. Cheats use the “it was just sex” line in an attempt to minimise their cheating to nothing more than a physical act.

If I'm understanding you right, then the issue I have with 'it's just sex' is the decisions and actions that get you to the point where you're actually having sex. There will have been decision points along the way, even in the briefest of trysts.

monogamous sex is kind of the only facet which sets apart a marriage from a friendship surely

Strongly disagree with this.

Agree with your point overall though- there’s no “just sex” if you’re in a monogamous relationship as it’s a betrayal of trust.

And divorce is "just" paperwork. Goodbye!

Do you really not understand? They are saying it was ‘just sex’ as opposed to a full on affair with aspirations of turning it into a romantic relationship. Not ‘just sex’ as in it isn’t a big deal.

Pretty sure people just say that to try and soften the blow of betrayal - i.e. saying it was ‘just’ sex tries to downplay the emotional betrayal as well as the physical. Trouble is of course if it was ‘just sex’ and not that important, why risk the marriage/relationship for it?

I haven't explained myself clearly enough.

What I mean by saying 'it was just sex' is that they're effectively saying that it's 'just' the one thing which is central to a (monogamous) marriage. Monogamy is a central thing promised to and expected by their partner in line with the marriage vows, yet paradoxically they issue this statement as if they 'just' forgot to put the bins out.

I agree it's a way of minimising their betrayal, but I don't understand how they don't see the absurdity of the statement.

I understand what you’re saying and completely agree. They usually aren’t saying ‘just sex’ to explain what it was to them, the phrase is generally used to downplay what happened when there’s no ‘just’ about it.

monogamous sex is kind of the only facet which sets apart a marriage from a friendship surely

Not all marriages are monogamous. I wouldn't say people in non monogamous marriages are the same as friends.

I think people say just sex to downplay what they and for some people sex can be just a physical urge rather than am expression of any feelings.

Just sex as in no romantic feelings and no desire to change it into a relationship or an affair

It's a line that cheaters use to minimise what they have done and it's BS.

If they wanted "just sex" they'd have hired a prostitute.

Agree with PPs, it's a bullshit excuse. If they'd hit their spouse they'd be saying "It was just a slap". They broke trust, and purposfully risked hurting their spouse and destroying the marriage. Saying "it was just" anything, doesn't negate that, as much as they're hoping it does.

Because sex in marriage isn't 'just sex'. It's the emotional connection that comes from and with intimacy. The feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't that the partner sought a physical pleasure outside of the marriage. Well in part it is because of that, but it's much more because they had the intimate and emotional connection elsewhere.

A woman who cooks supper for her husband doesn't feel so/at all hurt if he buys a macdonalds. And in a sense that's what the 'it was just sex' line means. The OW was just a macdonalds.

I think wWhat they are saying is that it’s a different type of sex. In a marriage, sex with emotions and intimacy whereas with the affair, it was a purely physical itch and therefore you can’t compare them.
They are saying that because it’s not the same type of sex, it doesn’t matter (implying that you dont have ‘just sex’ as in the physical itch in a marriage).

I think it goes a long way for them to make their behaviour acceptable in their own eyes.

I like your comparaison to a McDo @SlickShady

Doesn’t it just me they didn’t have feelings for the person?

Thé issue if course is that you can have all sort of sex in a marriage, incl a quickie to just calm down a physical need.
Just like the DW might well get quite upset if he goes and buy a MacDo if she has spent an hour cooking him his preferred meal.