What’s happening to us??

[inmyfeels]

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and we have two little girls together. We’ve been a solid, loving and happy family all this time but recently I feel like I resent him more and more.

I just feel like he’s become slack, lazy, selfish, and has no motivation to do anything. He hates his job but he won’t find a new one. He can’t take care of his finances (I found out he was skipping bills and had debt letters being sent in the mail). He leaves a trail of dirt and disaster around the house, and all the while I’m running around like a lunatic behind him trying to keep everything going and he doesn’t have a clue how overwhelming it is. All the while he is convinced he does more than his fair share but to me I feel like he does the bare minimum just to keep my nagging at bay. Maybe there problem is me??

Sometimes I have the awful voice in my head that would just prefer if it was just me and the kids. I feel like I’d be so much happier and less resentful picking up the slack. I’ve tried talking to him but he never sees it from my point of view and we just end up at loggerheads.

I love him so much I just want things to work again like they used to. I’m devastated that it’s got to this.

Binary choice.

1. put up. He won’t change

2. make your own life. He won’t change.

No the problem is him but you’re also part of the problem as well. What are you getting out of this?. Why are you running around after this untidy, uncommunicative and unhappy man like some unpaid housekeeper skivvy?. You are allowing yourself to be treated like this, just how low is your bar here?. He regards all the housework as your job and yours alone.

Would you want your daughters to think that yes this is how women are treated in relationships?. This is no legacy to leave them. What are they learning about relationships from you both here?. A shit ton of damaging lessons basically.

think you should also listen more to that voice in your head saying you’d be better off with just you and these children. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Suppose it depends really, is he too messy or are you overbearing? Is he still happy in the relationship? Are you still happy?

Whats changed? Is it that he no longer tidies or is it something else?

Has he always been shit at communicating or just recently?

can you both afford a cleaner?

Sounds like he might be depressed - could that be a possibility?

I’m so reluctant to just walk away. I want him to change, but I want him to want to change too. I look internally because I think just because I’m ambitious at work and organised at home and think I’ve got everything together, doesn’t mean that’s the case. From the outset it might just be “my way or the highway” and that’s not fair. Maybe I should try and not be so obsessive about the housework - he does help, but it’s not up to my standard and it winds me up. I’m not a drinker, he likes a beer. I’m not a socialiser, he likes us to always be with our friends and their kids. I see pros and cons to both sides and I’m trying to be fair. But I’m not happy. He loves the children to death and would never leave them/us. I just can’t see the wood for the trees. I want to fix it 💔

Sounds like you don’t accept your different people, like different things and have different views on what’s important and what isn’t. That’s perfectly normal in a relationship and how it should be really in my opinion, no one wants to go out with a carbon copy of themselves, that’s not very interesting.

sounds like you’ve just misplaced your respect for each other. You both have individual lives.

I want him to change, but I want him to want to change too

You want him to be somebody else, essentially. Stop running around. Stop discussing. Tell him what you need, calmly and clearly. Tell him it's not a want, it's a need. Then hive him a bit of time, and if he won't give you what you need, leave. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. It doesn't matter whose fault it is.

So sit him down and talk to him.

Explain that the missing payments on bills gas to stop and needs to be a priority for the household.

Explain how much you do and that now you have kids you need to work much more as a team.

As for having a beer and being social that is just who he is, you can not join in or not so all the socialising but these are qualities you knew before having kids you should just roll with them. Or split up you can't ask him to change who he essentially is.

But other stuff, responsibilities, workload. Just need to be a calm adult and talk to him. If he doesn't change you have your answer. Then you can decide if what you have us enough, what you want.

The thing about 'my way or the highway' is that everybody's like that. It's called compatibility. People have needs that have to be met. It's different for everybody, what they are, but everybody has them. It's also called 'having boundaries'.

You are allowed to need what you need. You are allowed to walk away if someone chooses not to give you that. But persistently wanting someone to change for you is persistently staying n a relationship that doesn't work for you, and therefore, persistently not being responsible for yourself. You need to take charge of you, not him.

He’s an adult not a child. He can make choices about his life and how he wants to live it. You are his wife not his mother. Life is very frustrating if you try to change a person who doesn’t want to change. Learn to come to terms with difference and when to decide it’s not for you.

Otherwise you will become more bitter and angry. Those aren’t good looks for anyone.

Have you ever had a proper chat with him about it? Not a chat when you're upset or annoyed but like a good conversation where both sides listen? You could tell him that you're unhappy and that you want to see a counsellor with him? People can change...just they sometimes need a wake up call!

There was an interesting articles a while back where a man said his wife had divorced him because he was untidy and it took that for him to realise that it all boiled down to respect (or lack of)

I agree you are enabling him - I'm guilty of that too to be honest. DH and I had a right royal row last night as he got stroppy as I asked him to do something minor and he had a face like a slapped arse but for once I didn't back down and do it myself. I decided a while back to just stop accepting his messiness and half a job attitude - I call him out on it, message him photos saying basically WTF pick your shit up etc. ask (tell?) him to do things i previously would have just got on and done myself

I don't think he'll ever change 100% but a step (however small) in the right (my?) direction is enough for me

I love him so much

Honestly, I'm struggling with the whole idea that you can feel any warmth at all, never mind love for someone who treats you so badly.

Why are you running after this monster ?

Thank you so much for your responses, i really appreciate all of your opinions (apart from the one about being a 'monster' - bit strong...) Accepting that we are different people is absolutely my problem and I will try to address this. Often we will be out with other families and i will come home early (i don't love it but that's how it is, fine). We are very different and there's nothing wrong with that. I need to accept that.

I do love him, of course I do. I'm just holding resentment and when it's there at the surface of course I feel like I just want to escape. As I said, he does 'help' but i have my ways around the house and with the kids etc, and anything less than that feels like a waste of time and quite frankly a massive inconvenience - I'm sure there are others that know what I mean! So yes maybe that is overbearing. but we live a hectic working-family life and I do these things to ultimately make life easier. He obviously doesn't see value in that which is frustrating for me.

The financial issues are hurtful. We have a mortgage to pay and can't afford to screw finances up, it's as simple as that. Basic adult responsibilities. We addressed it, i took control and spoke to his creditors but he didnt stick to payment plans and I honestly haven't got the energy to address it...again. But i will need to because he buries his head. Its back to being on me again. (You see how the resentment builds?)

He may be depressed, absolutely. However, my initial thoughts are, on top of being a mother, full time worker, managing the house, and the finances, all on my own...where do I even start with him having depression? I have to fix that too? Am i being selfish saying that?? My brain is like mashed potato.

I think we just need a good talk ultimately. I need to offload to him instead of trying to juggle all of these grenades and thinking it's just the way it's got to be.

What will be the worst outcome,if you don't fix his debt issue ?

If this is a recent change in his behaviour then I'd suspect there's something at the back of it. If he is suffering from depression then he needs professional help.

Talking to him may well be a wasted effort and something you have already tried. He will perhaps think you’re on his case yet again.

As for your paragraph that begins, “we addressed it” you addressed it, not him. He sat back and let you take the reins and be the responsible adult. Enabling as you have done here with him only gives you a false sense of control. Do you really want to carry another adult like this, no you do not.

'This monster' 😂Come on, please be serious. How is that kind of post going to help the OP

OP, it sounds like the problems are divided by severity and by what you can change:

• The financial stuff is non-negotiable - it has to be dealt with, either by you or him. You may have to take it on in exchange for him doing another household chore
• The tidying - you could try appealing to his sense of fairness? Count up the free time you both get each week (time that's not work, childcare or chores), and discuss with him what needs to be done to make it an even number. If he is numerically minded it may have to go on a spreadsheet
• His personality (socialising, liking a beer) you can't do anything about, and this will probably not be an issue any more once you fix the big things.

Good luck - hope you can fix it. You say this is a recent development - what changed? Was there a life event for you or him that has triggered a deterioration?

Also, reading between the lines he is contributing around the house but it's not to your standards. You both need to find a compromise there because if he is doing a good job in his eyes but you want it your way or no way (I'm not saying this is definitely the case), he's likely to resent you too

And indeed you’ve tried talking to him. He will never listen properly to you nor be the responsible adult you want him to be. Please don’t keep knocking yourself out waiting for him to have an epiphany here.

if you have a white knight/fixer mentality rescue your own self here rather than him. Any relationship where one person is trying to fix the other is not going to work long term.

Would marriage/ relationship counselling help? Maybe if a third person to get you to help him to see?