Ex grabbed me

[RainbowsAndUnicorns40]

Ex P grabbed me tonight. We split up at the weekend and he went back to his mum's. He has been coming here to see our DC because her house isn't suitable for them to visit. He started being nasty and arguing with me as he was getting ready to leave.

He has been in a mood with me since yesterday because I wouldn't let him use my car for him to pick up drugs for his mum.

The DC were in the living room, I was in the kitchen and he came in and put his forehead to mine and said he had had enough of me and wasn't taking it anymore. I stepped back, he grabbed my face and pushed me back into the kitchen units. I have a marks on my cheeks, you can clearly see where his thumb was on one side, and his fingers on the others. He caught my lip as he done it and it was swollen. I don't think it was hard enough to bruise but the marks are still there, although they're not as bad as they were when it happened.

I took pictures after it and sent him to them. He replied denying it saying it couldn't possibly have been him because his hand was only on my face for a split second. No clenched fists or hands to do anything like that. But it was him.

This is not the first time he has done something like this and I doubt it will be the last. I don't have any proof much else he has done to me. Are the pictures and messages enough for the police to arrest him? I don't want to keep letting him away with this, especially since the DC were in the house at the time.

I would say they would be enough for them to arrest and question him yet, and his text admits he grabbed you. Women’s aid will give better advice. Goodluck and yes report him and don’t let him in your house again.

Yes, take to the police. His text incriminate him as he is admitting assault.

You need to let him know this is not acceptable on any level. He's trying to bully you, so don't let him x

Report it and don't let him in x

Well he's not terribly bright is he? He's just admitted assault in an admissible text. Straight to the police with you and do not allow him access to your home again

The DC are in bed just now so I will go to the police tomorrow. I have put up with it for as long as I have because when we are not together he lives with his mum. She is an addict and it's not an environment I want the DC in. I think he would go to court for access if I stopped him from seeing them and I don't want to risk him getting 50/50 and they then have to spend time with her.

You can ring 111 now and someone should come out to see you.

I'd ring and at least have it logged at this stage. Look after yourself, you've been through a lot.

How are you doing now, OP? I hope you are ok.

Ok if he has to come round can you have someone in the kitchen with you, a friend having a cup of tea whilst he is there? Family member? Anyone really.

I hope you have reported him to the police.

Do not allow him into your home again as a result.

Let him start court proceedings.

He has assaulted you, do not allow him cross your door again.

He is never allowed in your house again. Not one toe over the threshold.
If you have not yet changed the locks, do so, front & back, whether you think he has a key or not. The fact that his mum's house is "not suitable" is not your problem. He has to take responsibility for finding somewhere suitable to take the DC. This is no longer your problem to solve.

Well done for taking pics & texting to get the semi-admission response.
Now take it to your local cop shop, or ring 101 & ask to speak to a local domestic violence specialist. You are experiencing post-separation abuse, & you need & deserve just as much support as people who have not yet escaped.
He needs a visit from the police, to show him how badly he has fucked up & to make him think twice about repeating the performance.

He won't get 50/50 if he has no separate home to house your DC in.
If there is any threat of this - get straight on to Social Services & ask for help, advice, & intervention.
I think you should do this anyway btw - FFS he threatened you when you refused to allow him to use your car to score drugs for his mother. You need this documented, & you need to do it NOW. All of this behaviour is evidence of his unsuitability for 50/50 parenting. He is violent, he is threatening, he lives with a drug addict, & he actively supplies that drug addict. You may even be able to make a case for Supervised Contact only - am sure other PP can advise, & WA & SS will certainly give you clear direction about this.

Ring Women's Aid & get yourself an advisor who can signpost you to every scrap of advice & support available.

Finally OP - well done, & well held.
You are courageous, resourceful & smart.
Please remember - you owe this abusive prick NOTHING. Not your time, not your attention, not your car, & certainly not any access to your home.
I'd like to knock the fucker into the middle of next week for you - but that wouldn't solve anything, whereas you keeping your cool, & majoring on the moral high ground & the LAW, will. Stick to your guns. He will learn he cannot touch you again.

Don't be such a pushover. He doesn't have to come round. At all. Ever.

As others have said…
he has admitted to assault via text, you have all the proof you need, report him. This will help if he does take you to court for custody, at the moment it looks pretty unlikely he would get 50/50, he has nowhere for the kids to stay and has been abusive.

Rainbows - while I think that the least contact you can have with your ex the better & safer for you - just for today, I think you should send one more text.
Along the lines of
"following your assault on me in my home on DATE at TIME I am writing to inform you that you can no longer enter my home, & will need to collect DC for any future contact visits at a neutral location which I will specify."

You are likely to get some furious push-back, but don't let it worry you.
The text serves 2 purposes - firstly, it draws a line in the sand, which - if he chooses to flout it & insist on entering your home - you would almost certainly be able to obtain an injunction or non-mol to enforce. Secondly, any abuse he is stupid enough to give you by message is ammunition for potential legal/SS action regarding his suitability for contact, & questions about whther this needs to be Supervised.

Do NOT respond to any push-back or abuse he sends you. If he bombards you, just reply "as I have explained [repeat message verbatim] ..."
If he continues - "Your verbal, text & physical abuse is unacceptable. I am putting you on mute now. I do not wish to hear from you at all unless it directly concerns contact arrangements. If you persist in doing so, I will view it as harrassment & inform the police."

If he harrasses you on 2 further occasions after that clear message - bingo - he has committed a stalking offence, & you can again ask police to intervene/charge him with harrassment.

Thanks for all the responses, I'm doing OK.

I have reported it to the police, they came out today, I showed them everything and they have enough to arrest him and take him in for questioning. I also managed to get a recording of him admitting it. He said I'm making it out to be worse than it was he's not sorry and I deserved it.

I don't think they'll find him any time soon though, his mum has lied to the police before when they have been looking for him. She tells them he lives of the other side of the city.

I have been in contact with woman's aid, the offered for us to go into refuge but I said no.

I took his key off him on Saturday so has no way of getting into the house. I certainly won't be letting him in. He hasn't been near the house. He did ask to see DC today, I told him he could take them to the park if he wanted but he didn't reply. He knows his mum's house isn't suitable for them, he never visited her with them when we were together.

He did ask to see DC today, I told him he could take them to the park if he wanted but he didn't reply.

He didn't want to see the DC then, did he?
He wanted to use them as pawns, in order to access your house again.

Have you messaged him, laying out clearly that he is no longer allowed into your home following his assault?

You need to stop your dc being around a violent man.

Why did you tell him he could take them to the park after you’ve just called the police on him 😳

I wouldn't allow him to take the children anywhere. That's a terrible idea.

His ties with drugs make him unsuitable to be around your dc.. Imagine they found some in his car /coat pocket? Let a judge deem him suitable for unsupervised contact.

Why are you willing to let your children go anywhere with a violent man who has assaulted you in your own home?

No! Don't facilitate this, don't let him take them anywhere. He is a danger to them and to you, and he is probably trying to use them to get his foot back over the threshold. Don't try to convince yourself or anyone else that he is a super dooper Dad because he just isn't. At all.

Yes I have told him, more than once, he is not getting back into my house.

I said it knowing he wouldn't take them. He's never taken them anywhere on his own, never looked after them. If they're not in nursery/school they are with me. I don't know how courts work in regards to granting access to violent fathers, I just don't want him to be able to say I stopped him from seeing the kids and use it against me.

If that is wrong I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been through similar or who has more knowledge on the situation.

I don't know how courts work in regards to granting access to violent fathers, I just don't want him to be able to say I stopped him from seeing the kids and use it against me.

If that is wrong I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been through similar or who has more knowledge on the situation.

The court won't do anything unless he takes you to court for access. If he does that, you should be armed with every piece of documentation you can get your hands on. His assaults, threats, arrests, etc.

Do not let this man near your kids.

You've done all the right things so far Rainbow - but please - don't look for official advice on "what next" here - talk to WA, SS & the police.

We're here to support - but you need formal, specialist advice, & if you are looking to make a case for Supervised contact going forward - I URGE you to contact SS yourself. There is nothing to fear from them - they will applaud you for being pro-active, & in contacting them for guidance about how to keep protecting your children from any fallout from their father's violent nature.

How are you holding up, @RainbowsAndUnicorns40 ?

Hope you are having a peaceful & productive week.