Is it me? Do I need to toughen up?

[HungryHungryHaesten]

Growing up my mum did this thing where when I would try to tell her if something had upset me, especially if it was something she’d done, she’d laugh at me. It was in a “you’re being ridiculous” kind of way. It utterly destroyed my self confidence and as an adult I struggle constantly with self esteem. I can’t usually tell people if they’ve upset me and I always tell myself my feelings don’t matter or I’m being ridiculous.

My husband knows this. He is generally a great man and father. He does more than his fair share with the kids and has supported me through a lot. But he does this too and I fucking hate it.

I’ve just tried to bring something up with him, something he said to me that really hurt my feelings and he’s just laughed. It makes me feel like that child again, trying to say how they feel and getting laughed at for it.

I’ve told him how it made me feel and asked him not to but he says it’s involuntary and he can’t help it, if I’m being ridiculous then he’s going to laugh. But I find it so hurtful and dismissive.

Do I just need to get a grip?

No, you don't need to get a grip.

You need to be direct and tell them how and why they've upset you.

If they laugh, try this trick I learned from an outstanding teacher. When her teenage students would laugh when she was trying to discipline the class, she would look the laughing student directly in the eye, go as still as a statute, and say unsmilingly, calmly (and rather menacingly with a perplexed frown !) 'why are you laughing?' and then leave the question hanging in the air whilst staring at them some more until they would look visibly uncomfortable (and stop laughing)!

Might work for you?

Thanks @thestraitofillinois I’ve tried to say “why are you laughing at me” but he usually says that he finds what I’m saying ridiculous or it’s laughable that I could feel that way or interpret his words that way etc. he just makes me feel like I’m and idiot when he does it and I hate it.

But I don’t know if the way my mum acted when I was growing up has just made me extra sensitive to it. He is a great husband in many other ways.

But if the way your Mum spoke to you has made you extra sensitive to it, does that mean that he can just disregard that sensitivity?

Another example: Lets say you're scared of spiders because you got bitten by one in Australia when you were a kid. And now you're in the uk, where there is nothing whatsoever to fear from spiders. You see a spider in the house. Would a respectful partner say 'Haha! You're being ridiculous, just deal with it, it's not even dangerous', or would a respectful partner say 'I know you don't get on with spiders, you go in the other room and I'll get rid of this one for you.'?

The point is, it doesn't matter where your sensitivities come from. They're part of who you are. And all of who you are should be respected by your husband. 'd be raising it with him from that perspective: Why am I supposed to be ok with you not respecting this part of me? Why should I be ok with you laughing at me and saying I'm being ridiculous?

As a matter of interest, do you think those things you say deserve ridicule, or are they just points where he has a different opinion?

OP,

A great husband doesn't laugh at you when you are upset and continues to do so when you ask him to stop.

A twat does though.

I wouldn't tolerate that. Its not up to him to decide what you find hurtful